Drew~ What we need from the audience is an unlikely place for a film noir scene.
::audience shouts ideas::
Drew~ Burger joint! Okay, fast food place, we'll do that. We'll do fast food, burger place. And whenever you're ready, go ahead.
Colin~ ::narrating:: I'd been searching for the Maltese Burger for three years. All clues finally led to this place in the middle of nowhere. It was time for me to get it. ::normal:: Hi, I'll have some fries.
Ryan~ ::says something unintelligible:: ::pushes window open:: Sorry, the speaker's broken. You wanted fries?
Colin~ Yeah.
Ryan~ You want fries with that?
Colin~ ::narrating:: While I was working on the fries, I had this incredible plan that would get from him the location of the Maltese Burger.
Ryan~ Here you go. ::hands fries to him::
Colin~ Thanks. Where's the Maltese Burger?
Ryan~ ::narrating:: I didn't know whether I should tell him or not. I didn't know whether it was some elaborate plan or just a simple question. ::normal:: Pardon?
Colin~ ::narrating:: He was playing me like he'd play a fish. ::makes an 'I don't know what that means' face:: I can't make it much clearer than that. It was then I noticed the sesame seeds on his shirt. ::normal:: Say, you've got some seeds there. ::reaches over & "pulls" something from Ryan's shirt:: Ah ha! The Maltese Burger!
Ryan~ ::normal:: I guess you got me. ::narrating:: Oh, I knew who he was. A disgruntled employee who had worked here five years ago. I couldn't forget that face, he used to bob for fries. ::normal:: I guess it's all over. You got me.
Colin~ It all seemed too easy. Way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kinda funny, it still was really weird.
::Ryan kisses him...on the lips::
Drew~ Stop.
Ryan~ I think that was the first time I ever kissed you.
Colin~ Yes. It was very nice, thank you.
Drew~ Wow.
Ryan~ Breath mint?
Drew~ I am really gonna have some nightmares, what am I telling you? Five thousand points a piece and, hey, kids, if you're at home watching this with your parents, just pretend you didn't understand that last one.

Drew~ What's Colin's Superhero name...?
Audience~ Captain Hair!
Drew~ Captain Hair! What kind of crisis is he facing?
Audience~ No more Rogaine!

Drew~ Captain Hair... that's Colin's new nickname... he loves it.
::Colin gives pained expression::

Ryan~ Got a tape in the mail.
Colin~ ::sighs:: I thought we were out of the spy business.
Ryan~ We're never out of the spy business, Colin. Not as long as tapes keep coming to the door. ::plays tape::
Greg~ How would you like to make money in real estate?... ::stops tape; flips it over:: Good morning, gentlemen.
Ryan & Colin~ Good morning.
Greg~ How are you today?
Colin~ Fine.
Ryan~ ::same time:: Ehh, ya know, my back...
Greg~ How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan~ It's alright. It's cleared up a bit.
Colin~ Like, what am I, nothing?
Greg~ I'd love to chat but I'm busy being-- ::Ryan fast forwards the tape:: Gentlemen, today's mission is of the gravest importance. The Imir of Groovefunkistan, a small middle eastern country, is coming to visit the president in Washington, DC. However, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, the George C. Clark hotel - you don't know him, nevermind - and clean a burnoose for the Imir of Groovefunkistan. This tape will self-destruct as soon as you throw it out the w- ::Ryan takes the tape player and throws it out the window:: *Boom.*
Ryan~ Thank God we picked window.
Colin~ Yeah. Well, we got a mission. Let's get to it. ::Mission: Impossible music begins::
Ryan~ I can't remember where the hotel is, you got your Thomas Guide?
Colin~ Yes. ::takes the map out of his stomach::
Ryan~ E-5. It's gonna be tough. ::they walk out:: Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin~ Well, luckily they've marked every street in town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan~ Wait a minute, we're at E-4 already!
Colin~ But... ::points:: E-5!
Ryan~ We're here! I didn't realize we lived so close to the hotel!
Colin~ Well, no kidding! We never looked out the window except to throw burning tapes!
Ryan~ We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.
Colin~ Yes, we better climb up through that window up there that seems impossibly high.
Ryan~ We got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope. 
Colin~ Wait, your hair!
Ryan~ What?
Colin~ You know it's one long strand!
Ryan~ You said you'd never mention that again. ::pulls strand of hair and throws it to the window::
Colin~ Reel us up. ::holds on to Ryan, turns crank next to his ear::
Ryan~ By the way, I love you.
Colin~ Stop it!
Ryan~ Alright, we're up. The patio door's locked. There's people inside. We'll have to make a diversion so that they come out and we can go in and get the... garment.
Colin~ ::slides open patio door:: Fire!!!
Ryan~ That was easy. ::they go in:: Now what was it?
Colin~ Burnoose.
Ryan~ Any idea what it looks like?
Colin~ It looks like... a burnoose. There it is!
Ryan~ Here's one! ::holds it up:: We gotta wash it somehow. We can't go downstairs. The bathtub! ::walks over:: We'll fill up the tub with some water.
Colin~ ::stops Ryan:: Wait! The faucet's rigged!
Ryan~ ::starts laughing noticeably:: What?!
Colin~ The faucet's rigged!
Ryan~ ::still laughing...:: ...In what way!?
Colin~ With an explosive!
Ryan~ Oh!
Colin~ How long have you been a spy!?
Ryan~ I can see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in this room!
Colin~ Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it?
Ryan: ::still laughing...:: How's that gonna work? ::flushes the faucet:: *Whoosh!* Oh! Stand back! It's filled up the tub!
Colin~ Perfect!
Ryan~ We're gonna need some sort of... detergent!
Colin~ Detergent? Detergent?... ::points:: The cat!!! No, that's no good! ::pauses::
Ryan~ Bars of soap! There's nothing but bars of soap! But we hafta agitate it someway.
Colin~ ...Gimme the beans. ::chugs the beans; squats over the tub::
Ryan~ It's working! ::takes the burnoose out:: It's clean! ::they start blowing on it to dry it::
Colin~ It's taking too long! The Neckefark of Emar will be here! 
Ryan~ We gotta dry it or... ::starts to laugh hysterically::
Colin~ The cat!!! ::starts drying it with the cat::
Ryan~ ::now laughing uncontrollably:: The cat! Stop it with the cat!
Colin~ It's clean, but it needs some fabric softener.
Ryan~ ::through laughter:: Fabric softener!?
Colin~ Well, you can't have static cling, the burnoose will stick to his... thing! ::pauses:: The cat!!! ::Ryan turns away to look out the door & to hide his laughing:: Anyone coming?!
Ryan~ ::through hysterics:: No...
Colin~ It's perfect! It's perfect!
Ryan~ ::turns back:: Good.
Colin~ You better model it. ::Ryan puts it on; struts over to the tub; drops it in::
Ryan~ Oh! It fell in the water again! Wait a minute! The cat!!!
Colin~ The cat's wet now! Wait... gimme a match!
::strikes it:: Oh...! ::burnoose turns to ashes::
Ryan~ Uh...
Colin~ It's okay. I have an extra burnoose!
*{how Colin was able to keep from laughing is beyond me!}*

Greg Proops: Improv's Answer To Buddy Holly :-)

Ryan~ He doesn't think I noticed the big hatchet sticking in the top of his head. I'd thrown it while he wasn't looking, not ten minutes ago. If it didn't bother him, it didn't bother me.
Colin~ Actually, it did bother me. I mean, I have a hatchet in my head. That's gotta hurt, right. Well, doesn't it?
Ryan~ I suddenly realized he could hear everything...

Ryan~ ::during the news report about Noah's Ark:: Forty days of rain, rain, rain... In fact, it should be falling over my ex-wife's house, so the b*tch should be getting pretty wet this weekend!

Ryan~ ::in metalsmith's hat:: You're a piece of metal. I'm a piece of metal. When things get hot, we kinda fuse together. Our legs... ::gets buzzed out::
Ryan~ ::comes back a second time:: Alright, maybe you didn't understand me last time. You're a piece of metal. I'm a piece of... ::gets buzzed out again::
Ryan~ ::comes back a 3rd time:: This is the last time I'm going to explain this... ::gets buzzed out yet again::
{you'd think he'd've gotten the idea by now...}

Ryan~ ::as weatherman, a barfly being repeatedly kicked out:: Thank you, Greg. Well, let's have a look at the weather in the week. It's gonna be awful, it's gonna be raining, but I can make it sunny for one more drink. I'm just asking for one more drink that's all I'm asking for. We got clouds rollin' in on Sunday. Oh, I can't smoke in here, is that what you're sayin'? I can't, I hope I have the right suggestion, I've totally forgotten. Hey, let go of me! Hey, what are you doing? Hey! ::hits his head against a board:: ::KINGK!:: There's a board there! ::KINGK!:: Hey, what the...?! ::KINGK!:: Hey I can't ::KINGK!:: Hey, why don't ya...! ::KINGK!:: Oh, I'm gonna faint now. ::faints:: I can't remember my suggestion. ::Drew goes over and shows Ryan his suggestion; Ryan gets up:: Oh, you're kickin' me out are ya?! Oh, you're kickin' me out are ya?! Why, you...! Oh, you're kickin' me out are ya? Oh, I'm not leaving that easy. Oh, I'm not goin' that - ::gets picked up:: Oh, okay! Hey, are you repeatedly kicking me outta here? Oh, I'll be back, oh yeah.

Clive~ Any time I say 'jelly', that means 'jello' in America.
Greg~ And every time I say 'naff git' that means Clive.

Greg~ Good Evening, I'm Great Afterdark. This is the action news, and these are the headlines. Mississippi changes it's official state motto to 'Hey, we're all named Bubba'... And President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps. Colin?
Colin~ Thou does not fool me, Beelzebub! Aye! I did see thee unbuckle the buckle on my hat, one of the many pranks this heathen, devil hath done and now he must go to Heck. The very Heck from which he was spawned! Oh! Thou didst make me say spawned! And to think of spawning! Oh, thou truly art the devil! Excuse my spit
Greg~ Thank you Colin, that was incisive.

Drew~ Boy, do we love being here at this studio. Things you never get to do anywhere else. Like during the break, we went and we all took a leak in Dawson's Creek.

Drew~ The points here are kind of like Canada. ::Colin looks shocked:: Colin, I'm kidding around, buddy, I'm just joking around, Colin, it was a joke. I'm very sorry. I love Canada, it's the greatest place in the whole wide world. Uh, if you've never seen the show before, and you'll probably never see it again in Canada, these four talented people, including the one extra-talented one from Canada...

Brad~ Now, pretend I'm a complete idiot, which isn't very hard. If you were going to call that by its official name, its technical name, what would you call that?
Colin~ Well, of course the only technical name I know is the Latin one, which is pookalakis malakis.
Brad~ Looks like more fun than a barrel, hey, Col?
Colin~ It's amazing, and you know what? They also do a show every Thursday night. It's amazing to watch and the drinks are free.
Ryan~ Is that the... I understand Michael Nesmith's making an appearance in that show.
Colin~ That's right, and the rest of the Monkees will be right behind.
{tee hee!}

Colin~ ::bangs gavel on Steve's hand:: Sorry. Order in the court, order in the court.
Steve~ Objection. That bleedin' hurt.
Colin~ Overruled. Call your first witness please.
Steve~ Certainly your Honor. I'm about to tie up the loose ends of this ridiculous chicken stealing case.
Tony~ ::enters wearing a furry hat that's covering his eyes::
Steve~ Will you please raise your right hand. ::Tony raises his hand:: Put it down, that stinks. ::Tony lowers his hand:: Now, give me your name please.
Tony~ I am the dowager Duchess of Verona.
Steve~ Ha HA!... Where were you on the 29th of the 5th of the 7th of the 4th of the... I can't remember the date, but it all ends in 72.
Tony~ I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing.
Colin~ I'm sorry, this witness is immaterial. Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
Ryan~ ::enters wearing an army officer's cap::
Steve~ Now, your full name and rank please Lieutenant. Whoops, gave it away. Never mind.
Ryan~ Lieutenant Jack, the frozen chicken king. I raise chickens, I kill 'em, I freeze 'em, and eat 'em.
Steve~ So, this man would have every motivation to steal the chicken!
Ryan~ Not really. I own the farm.
Steve~ No further questions your Honor. I made a complete prat of myself with that one.
Colin~ You better come up with something more sustaining... I'm tired, go ahead.
Steve~ Will you please state your full name.
Tony~ ::enters wearing a brown hat:: 'arry the 'at, 'arry the 'at, end of the pier comedian, joke for every occasion. 'Ere we go, why did the chicken die? Who knows?
Steve~ That is what we are here to find out.
Tony~ Look over there! ::kicks Steve after he looks away::
Steve~ Molesting the prosecutor your Honor.
Colin~ Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie! ::bangs gavel:: I ::bang:: want ::bang:: my ::bang:: next ::bang:: wit-::bang::ness!!! ::the gavel breaks & the end flies off behind him::
Steve~ I'm sorry your Honor... Where's the end of your gavel?
Colin~ It's immaterial.

More Quotes... & Other Ramblings