Clive: So, Ryan is... er... what's he... he's drinking to forget something. So, what is he?
Audience~ (among others) Tony Slattery!
Clive~ He's drinking to forget Tony Slattery... an unlikely proposition!
Girl sitting behind Clive~ His wardrobe.
::Ryan goes to walk off::
Clive~ Oh, that's really cruel! Cruel, but accurate, I feel. Drinking to forget his wardrobe.
::Ryan looks annoyed with him::
Clive~ Er, so... It wasn't me, it wasn't me, it was the beautiful girl behind me! So, away you go, drinking to forget your wardrobe.
Mike~ Don't mess with the neon love chicken!
Greg~ ::in the background:: Who ordered pumpkin?
Ryan~ ::pretends to throw a fit:: Shut up! Everybody shut up!
Clive~ It's the Stiles tartan!
::no reaction:: {huh?}
Clive~ I wish I hadn't said that!
Mike~ What's got you down in the mouth, huh?
Ryan~ People say things to me, that really make me hurt. Sometimes they complain and joke about my shirt. I'm not sure if it's some other joke that I've missed. People make fun of me just because I wear fashions from Sunkist.
Mike~ I know you've got problems, I could say. It's a bright shirt, but, what the hey. You're looking healthy, believe you me. With a shirt like that you must be getting your Vitamin C. I tell you baby, keep it alive-er. Just dip your shirt in this vodka, and have a screwdriver.

Drew~ Let's start out with uh... hmm... ::puts paper back and takes out new paper:: bad choices for pets.
Brad~ Here velociraptor... here... ::Colin comes over & bites his neck, doing his dinosaur impression:: Ahh!
Ryan~ ::whistles:: Where's my little tapeworm?
Drew~ Okay, strange things to find in your bed.
Wayne~ Colin? Ahh!
Colin~ Teach me how to sing like you! ::Wayne leaves; Colin turns to find Ryan::
Ryan~ What's his problem?
Colin~ I don't know.
Drew~ Oh, Okay. Uh, dangerous things to do while you are naked.
Brad~ Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbecue.
Colin~ ::starts up chainsaws, then juggles them::
Ryan~ Five minutes, Mr. President.
Drew~ Okay, uh, baby names that will one day get your child's @$$ kicked.
Ryan~ Oh, is Kick My @$$ hungry?
Colin~ ::with a pathetic look on his face:: Come here, Colin. ::Wayne and Brad come over & start beating on him::
Drew~ Okay... uh... ::doesn't want to read the suggestion::
Wayne~ Read it!
Drew~ Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey.
Ryan~ ::BUZZ!::
Brad~ ::BUZZ!::
Drew~ No, go ahead, go ahead. I'm sorry.
Ryan~ What kind of a middle name is Allison?
Drew~ Things you wish you hadn't said to the president.
Colin~ Sure, I'll be your intern.
Brad~ Cigarette, cigar?
Ryan~ I do.

Drew~ The scene is, Zorro, played by Ryan, catches up with the leader of the Mexican guard, played by Colin. Go ahead.
Ryan~ ::makes horse galloping sounds::
Colin~ ::bad Mexican accent:: What you doing on my exercise machine?
Ryan~ ::worse Mexican accent:: You thought you could run away from me? You can't run away from me. ::pulls out tiny sword:: I won't need a big sword for you. ::pokes Colin with it::
Colin~ ::takes sword, breaks it:: You'll never take me alive, Zorro. I bet you're wondering what part of Mexico I'm from. I was educated in Oxford.
Ryan~ You must come back with me. You have committed many crimes. ::realizes his accent is worse:: Apparently, I'm from the same neighborhood.
Colin~ Yes. You will never take me, Zorro.
Ryan~ I made a promise to the people of the village. They said, "Bring him back, Zorro, bring him back," and I looked them all in the eyes and said, "Heeeeere's Johnny!" I wanted to change my name from Zorro to Johnny, but the J is so hard to carve in a wall. It takes two motions rather than just the Z.
Colin~ I'm sorry, I was amused by your accent. You will never take me. I will say as my fathers and forefathers said before me when anyone tried to capture them, "My poodle's stuck in a heater vent." And once my poodle is free, he will chew your ankles down to the bone.
Ryan~ You would hide behind a dog! Like the dog you are.
Colin~ Hey! Hey!
Ryan~ I shall take you back, and as you hang from that rope, I will look up to you and say, "Let me be your love monkey." Perhaps I have said too much.
Colin~ I'm getting mixed signals here.
Ryan~ I will take you back, but not for the villagers. I want you to come live with me.
Colin: Okay.
Ryan~ Just that easy?
Colin~ Well, if it is between hanging from the highest yardiron or living with a man with a nice hat and a mask...
Ryan~ You will come back? Tell me the words I want to hear.
Colin~ Are you sure?
Ryan~ Yes. No, look in my eyes and tell me.
Colin~ I will. Here are the words I tried to say to you ever since you first followed me on horseback. "Seeing you naked changed my life."
::BUZZ!::
Drew~ Certainly, certainly changed my life. I don't know why it wouldn't change your life, too. A thousand points to those of us who have seen Ryan naked. That's like everybody in America. A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey Show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
Ryan~ Of course, some of us needed a wide-angle lens.
Drew~ And some of us needed a zoom.
{::raises eyebrow::}

Drew~ What we need from the audience, we need the name of an unlikely sitcom based on two unlikely roommates.
::audience yells suggestions::
Drew~ Schoolgirl and Satan, okay, great.
Ryan~ What was the other Satan one? There was - just waiting for schoolgirl.
Drew~ Can I have your phone number when the show's over? Satan and the Schoolgirl. Yeah, honey, I'd love to play that game with you. So, Wayne and Chip, let's hear the title song to the hit ABC sitcom, Satan & The Schoolgirl.
Wayne~ Coming this fall, Satan And The Schoolgirl!
Chip~ Well, little Kelly was brushing her hair, had a dress right down to her knees...
::Ryan combs his hair & puts on makeup; shows where *his* skirt is::
Chip~ When who should walk in her front door was Mephistopheles
::Colin walks in with devil horns, stabs Ryan with his tail::
Wayne~ Oh, she was Catholic, so they began to fight and grapple...
::Ryan hits Colin with wimpy little slaps::
Wayne~ But the feud it ended the minute Satan gave her his apple...
::Colin gives Ryan an apple; Ryan eats it & Colin puts his devil horns on him::
Wayne~ It's Satan and the schoolgirl
Chip~ Satan and the schoolgirl
Wayne~ Satan and the schoolgirl
Chip & Wayne~ It's Satan and the schoolgirl
::Ryan hikes up *his* skirt::
Chip~ Well, then what happened, who can tell? The schoolgirl might, might go to hell
Wayne~ You better believe this. She's possessed, call the exorcist.
::Ryan gives Colin the thumbs-up::
Wayne & Chip~ It's Satan and the schoolgirl
::BUZZ!::
Drew~ I smell a spinoff!

Drew: Colin, your co-anchor is Chip. Uh, Chip, you're in the middle of a Broadway musical. Sports is Wayne, it says here you're Drew's #1 teenage fan. He's been waiting a long time to do this, let me tell you. And doing the weather is Ryan. Ryan is desperate to quell rumors that he's gay.
Ryan: But what do you want me to do in the scene?
Drew: Oh, yeah. I want you to pretend you're desperate to quell rumors that you're gay, OK.
Ryan: ::in deep voice:: I'll see what I can do, Drew.
Drew: Yeah, well, good luck. So, uh, whenever you're ready, Colin, whenever you hear the music, take it away.
Colin: Welcome to the 4:15 news. I'm your anchor, Orlan Curtainback. Today's top story: 9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of 10 people, 1 American will always disagree with the other 9. And now over to my new anchor, Steve Incredible.
Chip: ::sung:: Welcome back from the break. It didn't take too long. We've got lots of news for you. I'm gonna sing a little song, wop a doo bop, ta lang-a-lang-a-lang. (strokes Colin's face, bows, cries)
Colin: Well, he's no Michael Crawford. And now, let's go over to sports with our sports guy, Flappy.
Wayne: Hi everyone. Today in sports, um, I'm very happy to say that all the teams are winning ::grins at Drew:: and um, and um, oh my God! ::runs over to Drew:: Oh my God! I'm so sorry Drew Carey! Look, I'm sorry, no, look, see, see, no look, no look, no, no no no no, no no no no, no no no no. Wait, n-n-n-no, w-w-wait. Seriously, look, look, look ::takes Drew's glasses and puts them on:: I'm Drew Carey. Ahhh! Oh my God! Ahhh! I got his glasses! ::runs over to a girl in audience, they jump around together:: I got his glasses! ::rubs the glasses on himself and puts them on:: Oh my God. ::stumbles over to Drew and gives him his glasses back:: Oh my God, oh my God. ::Drew gets a piece of paper for an autograph:: Please. Please. To-to-to-to-to me. From you. Always. P.S. Love you, more. Oh! Go ahead, go ahead. ::Sticks the paper in his pants:: Woo!
Colin: This just in. Sucking up still gets you ahead in the business.
Chip: Wow. You're something else. ::claps his hands::
Wayne: Oh my God! Oh my God! ::grabs on to Chip's leg::
Colin: Well, why don't we head over to see what weather's going to be like this weekend with our crazy weatherman, Sunny Skies.
Ryan: Well, thank you very much. Well, let's just look at the weather, I'll just grab my pointer. Not that I need something in my hand, because I don't. We're going to have sunny skies over the Rockies, the Rockies which resemble women's breasts which I love, by the way. ::waves his arm around:: Nothing more attractive than women's breasts and it should be sunny and clear for the entire weekend. ::to Chip:: By the way, nobody finds your dancing exciting.
Chip: ::gets up and dances against Ryan::
Colin: Well, that's all the news that's fit to be shown ::Chip does a leap:: Join us again tomorrow for the 4:35 news. Goodnight.
Drew: That Wayne, man. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me. 1000 points to everybody and nice try to Ryan.
Ryan: ::deep voice:: Thanks, Drew.
Drew: ::deep voice:: No kidding, Ryan, that was great.
Ryan: ::deep voice:: Thank you!

Ryan: Hi. We'll return you to your movie presentation of The Man Who Would Be Don King in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you.
Colin: As long as people have been cracking each other's backs, it set off music to make the heart sing. And we've come up with a collection of over 8,053 songs, all about the chiropractor and the job they do.
Ryan: That's correct, Colin. And not just songs from here in America, but songs all from all over the world. Almost missed a word there!
Colin: That's because you're drunk!
Ryan: Shh.
Colin: Don't touch me.
Ryan: Including that number one hit tango song, Crackety-Crack, Don't Talk Back.
Wayne: Oh my back
Josie: Oh...
Wayne: It hurts so far, so crickety-crack, why don't you crack my lower lumbar
Josie: Do it to be good, oh that feels so fine! Ah! Why don't you just manipulate my spine
Wayne: Sh. So crickety-crack
Josie: Crack-crickety-crack, crack my back.
Wayne & Josie: Crackity crack, my lower back...
Colin: Songs of the chiropa-practer are something you can - I knew I shouldn't have taken a nip.
Ryan: I'm sorry...go, go, go, go, go!
Colin: Oh, yeah.
Ryan: Songs of the chiropracter go back many a many years.
Colin: Do they?
Ryan: Yes, they were, and I know as a young black child growing up in the Bronx, none was more popular to me thatn that boogie-woogie hit, Is That A Bulging Disc Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Wayne: Oh tell me, what I do
Josie: Do, do, do
Wayne: There's something wrong with your L2. Oh tell me, tell me, tell me, you're part of the risk. Is that bulge, bulge, bulge, bulging disk? Oh don't you see, are you happy to see me? Buh-shoodely doo doo oh, my back!
Josie: Are you taking a funny line? Is there something wrong with your spine?
Wayne: (plays trumpet)
Josie: Don't worry about your back. All you need is a little crack. Shoulders they will all feel fine. C'mon come and sing this spine song.
Ryan: Hey Colin.
Colin: Yes, Ryan?
Ryan: How many songs are on this twodee CD set? Twodee CD, twodee set.
Colin: I mentioned it earlier. If you weren't listening, tough. ::looks at Ryan:: Oh, have a coffee. Y'know, we have songs from almost every era and one of my favorites is this great Gilbert and Sullivan song, Readjusting-justing While The Wind Is Gusting Gusting.
Wayne: I'm a general, you know. Oh alas and alack and alack and crick and crack all the way to my back and no I do not cause my back it's a bust, who help me adjust-just-just-just
Josie: I will help you just-just-just. I'll crack and crack your back. I will crack your back when you have a rheumatoid attack.
Wayne and Josie: A crack and a crack...

"I'm going to resist Bill Gates and his coven for as long as I possibly can. A pencil and paper are the only tools I need." ~Ryan Stiles, his feelings on computers {get a webtv, Ryan!!!}