Gah, what a day it'd been... and I'm still awake even though it's technically tomorrow. I just couldn't sleep, so I decided to take Mike's advice and occupy myself with bad horror flicks. In fact they're so bad, after 5 minutes I popped the thing out of the VCR and started looking for anything on TV. In all truthfulness, I should've booted up the computer and surfed the 'net.
I sighed. Maybe I will go get on the 'net, it might just help me fall asleep...
"Still up?"
I turned and found Raph coming towards the couch. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep," I paused, noting that he looked about twice as bad as I felt... atleast. "You?"
"No rest for the weary," he commented, then sat heavily next to me on the couch. He ran a hand over his face. "Why the hell'd you guys leave me out there?"
"Well, I could tell by the way you were just standing there that you weren't exactly about to start talking, especially with us there. I just remembered about what happend between you and Sensei and... I just thought you'd want some time alone," I said.
"So, it was your idea? Geez, I thought Leo did it to get back at me for something I did like 13 years ago," Raph said, then gave me a half grin that quickly fell. "It actually felt kinda good, being out there." He paused a beat. "I apologized to him, Donnie. I didn't know what else to say."
"Truthfully, Raph, I really don't think you had to say anything. He knew we loved him... that you loved him. You didn't mean what you said that night..." I said.
"I know that, I just can't figure out why I said those things, drunk or not. I'd come in on previous nights, before he got sick, just as drunk or moreso and I never said anything like that to him." He sighed. "After that, I was so afraid he was mad at me I avoided him." He dropped his head, sniffed, and raised a hand to his face. "Why can't I get a hold of myself?" He sat back looking defeated.
For all that I knew and could say, for my want to give him an answer, I couldn't. I'd thought about saying he'd kept his feelings inside for too long, but that wouldn't help anything. I did realize that I was currently finding out why he'd been sitting on the porch for atleast two hours earlier in the night. I did the one thing I could do for him and rested a hand on his shoulder.
Raph turned his head to look at me. He didn't say anything. Basically, this was all still new to him.
I took the opportunity and watched his eyes, more specifically, the one I helped fix. If I hadn't known better, I'd swear nothing had happened to it, but I did know better and seeing the emotion in it tore me apart.
He sniffed again. I noticed his eyes go unfocused; he was looking at me any longer. "Why'd you an' Mike hafta do this? I coulda found Addy without Leo. Why'd Shadow hafta find me?" He paused, his voice beginning to crack. His gaze shifted to the floor. "Why'd she hafta drag me here? Why'd I let her..." He let out a choked sob.
He wasn't questioning me. I could tell from the way he wouldn't look at me again. And he wasn't looking for answers. He was just rambling, letting his emotions finally get the best of him. He was tired, phsyically and emotionally. He was looking for any amount of comfort and I was it. I'm always so good with words, but right then, I couldn't think of anything. So I just sat, my hand still on his shoulder, and kept him company. I was glad I couldn't sleep.
After a few minutes, he had quieted down and I saw he'd fallen asleep sitting up. A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. raph could probably sleep standing up and I was pretty sure he'd prove me right some day.
I sat back, just out of arms reach and leaned my head against the back of the couch. This way, I felt like I was looking after him. I think that was what he was looking for, whether he'd ever admit that or not. I closed my eyes. He had pretty much spilled his guts to me and there was no way I was going to leave him here. Within minutes, I fell asleep, too.