(We open with Micky and Lauren going offstage. Mike, Peter, and the Martians crowd around the wings. Mike lets Lauren pass and go over to the carriage, but the guys block Micky.)

Mike: Ok, Mick, out with it. What was that all about?

Micky: What? *tries to get around them, but can't* Come on, guys.

John: Where's the girls?

Micky: They're fine!

*Micky tries to get around, but still can't.*

Danny: They're fine...but where are THEY?

Micky: Well, they're... *holds up the ball; sighs* in here.

John: You really did it?

Mike: Micky, I know you wanted everything to be realistic, but this is taking it too far!

Danny: Oh man, Kim, are you in there?

Kimberly: Yeah, we're in here.

Maxine: But it's kind of squashed!

Jenny: Someone's elbow is in my gut.

Mike: (As three of the Martians lift their weapons) Um, Mick, I think you can let them go now. They can stay backstage until it's time for them to be "released."

Micky: *cringes at the weapons lifted in front of him* Okay, okay... *Holds out the ball and concentrates. The Abbies appear as normal again.*

Maxine: Guys! Oh, thank goodness! (Grins at the other two) No offense, ladies, but that's a little closer than I ever wanted to get to you.

Jenny: None taken.

Mike: Um, Mick, we understand that you want to make this look good, but please just try to take other people into consideration when you go for realism, ok?

Peter: Yeah. I think Valerie's actually muddled. (Rubs his head) I feel light-headed, and she's giggly.

Micky: I didn't mean to really muddle Valerie. I was really trying to be careful! *rubs the back of his neck and sighs* I just went over the top and screwed up again.

Mike: Look, we've got to get on stage. Just remember Mick (grins) it's only a play. You don't have really lock up fair maidens and hex people.

Maxine: Yeah, especially in close quarters.

Mike: (Looks out; the guards are gathering around the carriage) Hey, we'd better get on stage. Micky, we'll meet you back in the dressin' rooms to talk about this a little more.

Micky: Alright.

(Cut to back on the stage and in the carriage. Lauren sits on the right with the bound Valerie, who is still groggy. Several guards are on the other side and behind them with a load of gold and silver.)

Valerie: Wh...where are we?

Lauren: We're in the carriage.

Valerie: Where...carriage... (She moans)

Lauren: Oh, we're just out for a ride.

Valerie: I feel so strange... (Her head falls against Lauren's shoulder, and she giggles)

Lauren: Just rest, my Queen.

Valerie: Rest...I'll rest...

(Suddenly, there's a thump on the top of the carriage. The driver leans in the window.)

Driver: Oh, blast! We're stuck in a ditch!

Lauren: *groans* Well, get us OUT!

Driver: (Nods) Right away, Your Ladyship. (He jumps down. We hear the sounds of swishing weapons and an "Arrgh! Who are you?" before all is silent.)

Valerie: (Giggles) Where's the driver?

Lauren: Trying to get us unstuck.

Valerie: Oh. (Leans back) That's nice.

Guard #1: He shouldn't be taking nearly this long! Want us to go see what the hold-up is, ma'am?

Lauren: Yes, please.

Guard #2: Right away, ma'am. (They jump out. There's more "oofs" and the swishing of weapons...then nothing again. Two heads pop in. It looks like John and Danny back in their plain woodsmen attire.)

John: Hi there, ma'am! Looks like you're mighty stuck.

Lauren: *eyes widen* Guards!

John: Naw, we're not guards! (Looks at Danny) Are we guards?

Danny: We could be if the price was right.

John: We could be anything if the price was right.

Lauren: I want MY guards!

Mike: (He and Davy pop their heads in. They wear the Guards' uniforms and mustaches) Hi there, your Ladyship!

Lauren: *glares* You're not my guards.

Mike: Sure we are! (Looks at Davy) Are we her guards?

(Marcus and Chris sneak around the other side and grab the remaining guards.)

Davy: Of course, we're your guards! Don't you recognize us?

Lauren: You seem familiar, but NOT as my guards!

Mike: Well, we've done other stuff around the castle. Maybe you saw us choppin' wood for Their Majesties.

John: We play a little, too.

Mike: We can fix your carriage for you!

Danny: Yeah! We'll help!

Lauren: You know what I want?

Davy: What's that?

Mike: Someone to get your carriage out of the mud! (He leans down and bustles around the side of the carriage. John joins him as they try to figure out how to get the carriage out of the ditch...that they dug in the first place.)

Lauren: This is too strange.

Danny: So, what is it that you want, ma'am? (He bows) We're all ears.

*Lauren quickly reveals some powder in her palm that she blows out at Danny and Davy, making both start coughing.* >:)

(Mike and John are busy trying to get the carriage out ditch, while Marcus and Chris hide the bags of gold and silver in the woods. Neither see the dust.)

Danny: What in the... (he puts his hand on his head) I feel so odd...

Davy: *nods* Me too...

Danny: (As his eyes cloud over) I...I'm not a guard. I am a woodsman...and a thief.

Davy: *his eyes cloud over as well* I'm not a guard, eithah. I...I am...

Lauren: *leans out, beckoning Davy to finish his truth* Spill it, short stuff!

Mike: (Pushes between Davy and Danny) You got a crowbar, your Ladyship?

Lauren: No...and you're interrupting!

Mike: Interruptin' what?

Lauren: Like I'm going to tell you.

Mike: Oh, well, I just came over to tell you that we've almost got the carriage out. It'll take a few more seconds.

Lauren: Good.

Mike: (Loud whisper to Davy) Kid, what are you doin'? Get the queen outta there!

Davy: Powder...makes me tell truth...

Mike: Oh no. (Looks at Lauren) Um, I'm just gonna have to get the kid goin'. He ain't feelin' well. He's gonna ride back to the castle. Why don't you let us help the Queen while the other men finish with the carriage...

Valerie: Huh? (Dazed; looks around) What's going on? (Squints at Mike) Don't I know you?

Mike: Sorta. We're gonna help you, Your Majesty.

Valerie: (Half-smile) Oh, good.

Mike: Well, the kid's gonna go help that nice woodsman with the carriage... (But Lauren takes Davy's arm)

Lauren: Not so fast, there.

Mike: Hey! Come on! The kid's got a job to do!

Lauren: But he has more lovely truths to tell me!

Mike: Here's a truth for ya! (Mike lets loose with a whistle. Marcus and Chris jump into the carriage from the back; John pokes his head in) You're outnumbered, honey.

*Lauren snaps her fingers. The rest of the guards appear.*

Mike: Oh no. (He pulls out his sword) Marc, get David and Danny outta here! Chris, you get the queen! Johnny, you help me with these baboons!

John: Right, Your L...uh, Fearless Leader.

(Mike glares at John for the slip as "Calico Girlfriend" begins. John just shrugs and goes after three guards at once with his staff.)

*Lauren and Marcus have a tug of war over Davy.*

(The largest guard jumps in front of Mike. Mike confronts him, sword a blur, as they fight.)

(Marcus points into the trees. "Look, there's a flying saucer!" When Lauren looks, he takes off with the dazed Davy.)

*Lauren growls, having fallen for such a simple trick.*

(Chris gently unties the dazed Queen Valerie, who continues to giggle.)

(Mike finally slashes through the large Guard's armor, cutting all of it off and revealing his boxers and undershirt! He blushes, covers himself, and tip-toes off-stage.)

(Mike turns to another guard who has pinned John to a tree. There's a white light, and he uses the sword to "lift" the guard and dump him in the ditch!)

(Danny now sits on the ground, spouting every truth he's ever known.)

(Chris is still trying to untie the Queen when he sees the shadow of a familiar woman...)

*Lauren blows powder in Chris's face, giving him a taste of the truth powder as well.*

(Chris takes one look at Lauren and gets familiar stars in his eyes. He grabs a bunch of fake flowers by a tree and hands them to her. There's only one truth about Chris - he falls for every girl he sees.)

*Lauren hits him over the head with the fake flowers.*

(Chris takes her hand and kisses it, hearts in his eyes. Marcus groans. Davy's bad enough! He grabs him and tries to get him to go get the Queen!)

*A soft growl is heard from off stage.*

(Marcus wiggles his fingers at Lauren. Sorry. He overdoes things. He knows you're taken. They go back in the carriage to get the Queen as Mike makes his way over to the other side.)

(Marcus and John gently help the Queen out of the carriage as Mike confronts Lauren and the music ends.)

Mike: What are you doin' with our Queen, Lady Lauren?

(Mike blocks her from following the others into the woods. John and Marcus peer out from behind a tree.)

Lauren: Just taking her on a scenic ride.

Mike: To where, hell?

Lauren: *scowls* No.

Mike: You can forget goin' after her or the others. You ain't hearin' any more from them.

Lauren: Oh no? *Whips out another powder and throws it in Mike's face.*

Mike: (Coughs) I...I...darn this stuff... (Sneezes)

*Lauren touches Mike's forehead, rubbing in small circles.*

Mike: What in the... (His eyes close) I...I'm...so...

(Mike wobbles to and fro, finally dropping his sword and closing his eyes.) Lady Lauren, I...I'm not what I appear.

Lauren: What ARE you?

Mike: I...can't tell you. (He's sweating) The lives of my ward...my men...my people...

(Mike tries to pull back, but Lauren waves her hands. Red light seems to wrap around him and drag him closer to her. His eyes are open slightly, but they look dazed.)

Lauren: Talk.

Mike: I'm...Lord Michael Del Naysmythe of Lone Star Manor.

(Lauren and Mike don't notice Marcus and John scurry into the "trees," holding several items...)

(Mike gulps as Lauren's fingers draw to his face and down his neck.)

Mike: We're...thieves.

Lauren: Interesting...

Mike: Please, let me go. I must rescue our Queen. (Gasps as Lauren rubs his head more) I...we...we're going to give the money to the people of Lone Star Manor to pay for your taxes in my absence.

Lauren: *smirks* So THAT'S what you're up to.

Mike: Yes. I only wish to help my people.

(Mike squirms as Lauren strokes his head. His eyes are clouding over.)

Mike: David and I want to find a way to clear our names. We know we're innocent. (Frowns) And so do you.

Lauren: *smirks* Perhaps, but that's beside the point.

Mike: There's something else. I...I have...

(But before Mike can go any further, a handful of nuts pelt Lauren on the head!)

Lauren: *covers her head* Hey? Ow!

John: (From the trees, as he throws more nuts) Run for it, Mike! The other guys are already taking the Queen back to the castle!

Mike: I...oh! Oh man! (He reaches for his sword, avoiding the nuts, fruits, and other small, non-harmful backstage items that rain down on Lauren. The tall Texan takes off dazedly into the woods before Lauren can get him, leaving Lauren fuming. One of the guards, now wearing boxers, socks, and underwear, stumbles up to her.)

Guard #1: Your Ladyship, the Queen is gone, and so's our gold. I'm going to send my men on an extensive search as soon as we find them some clothes. It's cold out here!

Lauren: You do that!

Guard #1: Uh, yeah. (He takes off as we cut off, leaving Lauren fuming)