Everyone ready to save the Princess?

Mike: Let's get that jerk! X(

Peter: Poor girls, and Emma too! :(

Micky: Ready!

Davy: I'm ready, too!

*Back in the prop room...*

Davy: Wait a second, mate. Isn't this getting a little complicated for a kids' story?

Katie: Huh?

Peter: I'm just trying to tell a good story. Right, kids?

Katie: Yeah! Um...

(Jordan looks perplexed.)

Davy: *shakes his head* Petah, no offense, but let me take ovah for now, okay?

Peter: Well, ok. Just don't scare the kids!

Mike: And watch the kissy stuff.

Katie: Kissy! :p

(Jordan shrugs. He doesn't mind kissy stuff, mostly because he doesn't get it.)

Davy: I won't, don't worry. I ain't Mick, aftah all.

Micky: Hey! :P

(Peter chuckles. Mike laughs.)

Davy: So, anyway...

(We fade out on the group in the prop room and fade in on Davy in the hallway, peering into doorways. He finds one that won't open.)

Mike: (Muffled; through the door) Oh, man...hello? Anyone there?

Davy: *tries the door again* 'Ello?

Peter: Davy, it's us! You've got to get us out of here! We have to save the Princess!

Mike: Alexander is here, the prick, and he stole our stuff and went after Princess Daphne and her chicks!

Davy: Don't worry, mates, I'll get you out! *to himself* I 'ope...

Davy: Alright, mates, if you're neah the door, stand back! *waits a few moments then swings the sword at the door*

*We switch to a shot from inside the room. We see the door fall in, landing with a thud on the floor. Davy grins, still gripping the sword.*

Mike: Thanks.

Peter: Whoa!

Micky: Nice move, man! :D

Mike: (He still wears his pants, but Peter and Micky are in their boxers - Peter has enough sense to wear plain ones) We've got to get outta here. Alexander and the Jerk Club of Hades stole our stuff. I don't know why, but I do know he's after Her Royal Highness. We can't let them get her!

Davy: Then we've got to stop 'im! 'Ow do we do that, though?

Mike: (He's already heading for Daphne's room) We go check on Her Highness, for one thing.

Micky: And we need to find some pants!

(As they head for the room, they encounter a troop of cops who frankly look like they came in from another story, as they're wearing Victorian bobby uniforms. They stop the boys as they enter the door; a few titter or gawk at their semi-nude state.)

Police Captain: (Cockney accent) 'Allo, gentlemen. Which one of you are the Musketeers?

Mike: (Raises his eyebrows at Davy, then turns to the Captain) I'm the head of the Musketeers, and these two (indicates Peter and Micky) are my lieutenants. The young man is an apprentice.

Police Captain: (Looks over the boys' lack of outfits) Is this a nudist convention?

Mike: (Sarcastic) No. We just do this for fun.

Police Captain: I'm afraid, boys, the three of you who are Musketeers are under arrest for the kidnapping of Princess Daphne, Lady Kimberlina, Lady Jennifer, and Lady Maxina.

Mike: What?

Peter: But we wouldn't hurt the Princess! Our job is to protect her!

Police Captain: We found shreds of your uniforms, your hats, and your wallets on the tables in the Princess' room. There's a sword on the table near the window with blood on it.

Mike: Obviously, we ain't done nuthin' to the girl. Sir Alexander of Hades and his men stole our uniforms and locked us in the study!

Peter: Please, we didn’t do it!

Mike: Davy can vouch for us. (Nods at Davy) Right, kid?

Davy: That's right! They've been locked in a room while all of this 'as gone on!

Mike: Take us to the queen! She'll believe us! (Looks at his bare chest; maids scurrying upstairs to clean the rooms are staring) But first, could we get some clothes?

Police Captain: Very well. The Queen is in her quarters. We've already informed her about her daughter's disappearance. Her aide Lady Barbara is there with her now.

Peter: They’ll listen. They know we do our duty. We'd never hurt the royal family!

Police Captain: Very well. Come with me.

(Cut to the Queen's room. "Lady Barbara" is Mrs. Marion, the neighbor who first appeared in "The Witch Down the Street." She sits at a desk while Millie paces angrily. Both women wear fairly simple but elegant gowns.)

Barbara: Mil, as one of your oldest friends, let me give you some good advice: sit down. You're not going to find your daughter by wearing a hole in the floor.

Millie: Barb, I can't help it. Things are just going so crazy! First this invasion business, then we can't leave the castle, then my daughter disappears, could be dead...

Barbara: (Shakes her head) There was something funny about that blood. I had it sent to our chemist to be analyzed. The results should be back soon.

(The four Monkees enter, Mike, Peter, and Micky back in their uniforms. Davy and the bobbies are with them.)

Police Captain: 'Ere you go, Your Majesty!

Lieutenant 1: We delivered the blightahs to you like you wanted, all neat and propah.

Queen: Thank you, gentlemen. Please stay, all of you. What I have to say concerns everyone here.

Barbara: (Looks at the boys as they gather around the desk) How much do you know about rescues?

Mike: Only what I've seen in the serials and "Batman.

Barbara: We're working on getting some evidence that should clear all of you, and it should be here any...

(There's a massive explosion behind them, complete with smoke and a very British "Cor...")

Barbara: ....minute now.

Micky: That didn't sound too good.

Mike: What the... (looks around; starts at seeing Micky) Oh, there you are. I thought you made that explosion for a second.

Micky: I wish!

(A young man with thick, straight black hair to his shoulders and wild brown eyes pops his head in. His face and hands are smudged and dirty, as is his formerly white lab coat, but he's beaming ear to ear.)

Chemist: I got it! I found out what I already knew!

Mike: I coulda guessed that.

Chemist: This ain't blood! (Plops a slightly smoke-darkened beaker on the table) It's not 'uman. Ain't even real. It's a mixture of several different kinds of gels, paints, and perfumes that sorta smell like blood. Basically (grins cheekily), it's stage blood. Looks real, but ain't.

Peter: (Stares into the remains of the beaker) Wow...

Barbara: Um, thank you, Keith. That'll be all.

Keith: You're welcome, luv! Thanks for the cameo! I'm always willin' to blow somethin' up for a good cause! (Elbows Micky) Party at my place tonight, ok? I get to weah the dress this time! (He walks out, cackling over his beaker)

Mike: (Raises his eyebrows) What was that?

Micky: I don't know, but I think I'm scared!

Barbara: Our chemist. Interesting fellow. A bit overeager, but good at his job.

Millie: Well, that somewhat puts you off the hook. (Looks at the four surrounding her desk) Fellas, I'm gonna give you a proposition. I want you and our remaining men to go to Hades and find my daughter.

Mike: If we don't find her?

Millie: I'm gonna have to put you in jail and take away your jobs. (Shakes her head) I don't want to do that. You've been good to me and my family.

Davy: We'll find 'er!

Mike: If we get your daughter back and help you fight off the invadin' hordes, not only do we want to be pardoned, but we want our apprentice David Jones to become a full fledged Musketeer (looks at Micky) and for you to reconsider your stance on allowing women to join.

*Micky nods, grinning.*

Millie: It's a deal, Captain Nesmith. (She and Mike shake hands)

Mike: (Turns to the others) Ok, guys, let's go round up the boys, and...

Barbara: (Goes to Mike, frowning) Um, I'm afraid you'll have to make do with the locals. (Sheepish) Most of the Musketeers went with Larry to defend the garrison. :">

Peter: The...locals?

Millie: Oh, take the cops! They're competent enough.

Police Captain: US? Your Majesty, we're officers of the law, not defenders of the crown!

Millie: Officers of the law, defenders of the crown, what's the difference? You all catch bad guys, right? (Waves her hand) Now, shoo! Go and find my daughter, before Sheila does who-knows-what to her!

Barbara: (Joins the boys and the cops as they leave the office) I wish I could come with you. I have to stay with Millie. I can offer you this, though. (Hands Micky a rolled-up piece of paper) It's a map of Hades Castle, Sheila's stronghold. It'll help you find the Queen's daughter. It lists every secret passageway in the place!

Micky: *grins* Thanks!

Barbara: (Grins herself) You're welcome, Lieutenant Dolenz. Now, you boys go out there and kick the living heck out of that nasty witch's rear end for Millie and me!

Mike: I think we can do that, Your ladyship.

Barbara: Go get'em!

(They salute and leave her waving with a grin on her face.)

(Cut to the Inn. There's a lot of people hanging around, including Lauren, Tilly, Mr. Babbitt, and Nyles, still eating and still not in costume.)

Mike: (Looks at the others) I don't like this.

Peter: Michael, I'm sure we could get some help rescuing the Princess here!

Mike: This crowd? I'd rather bring the cops.

Micky: Oh, come on, Mike. At least we know them!

Peter: She's our princess! Why wouldn't they want to help one of our rulers?

Mike: I trust Lauren. The rest of them are not exactly fighters.

Micky: Then we'll bring Lauren with us.

Peter: Maybe Tilly, too. She looks like she could at least raise a sword!

Mike: Fine. (Gets on the bar)

Babbitt: Nesmith, get offa there! I just cleaned the top!

Mike: (Ignores Babbitt) Attention, everybody! Your princess is in danger. Sir Alexander, Queen Sheila's right-hand jerk, has kidnapped her and her buxom, comely, gorgeous attendants. Anyone who wants to help rescue her please line up in as orderly a fashion as you know how to your left.

(There's a line, headed by Tilly and Lauren, but it's not exactly long.)

Mike: Hoo boy.

(Nyles shakes his head and leaves, licking frosting off his fingers.)

Mike: Chicken!

Micky: Mike, you know he only came for the food.

Peter: (Sighs) Well...I guess they'll do.

Tilly: Do what? I just want to see if the rumors are true and there's aliens in Hades!

Lauren: *groans* Tilly...

Peter: There are?

Mike: (To Peter) No, Peter: (to the line) Fine. (Nods at Micky and Davy) You guys distribute swords to everyone who don't have 'em, and we'll get moving.

Peter: As of this second, you are all officially Musketeers!

(Those who aren't too drunk, cheer. Those who are drunk, burp and look sort of happy.)

Lauren: It's about time!

(Mike hands out blue and white uniforms. Some people need more help putting on uniforms than others.)

Babbitt: Nesmith, what are you doing with my customers?

Mike: Putting them to good use.

Peter: Don't worry, we'll bring them back unharmed by tomorrow!

Mike: Or in something like the same state they were the night before. (Turns to the crowd) Ok, troops, let's rescue the Princess Daphne and her fair maidens!

(The troops, except for Lauren who has enough sense to move, all run into each other and topple onto the floor like dominoes.)

Lauren: Oh come on.

Peter: Oh dear. :p

(Mike sighs as Micky and Davy help everyone to their feet who can't make it on their own. Babbitt shrugs and returns to cleaning his bar-top as we fade out on the Inn. We get a short montage of the group in a familiar bright red carriage riding across Belgravia's lush green countryside. Suddenly, the countryside becomes darker and gloomier, and thunder is heard overhead. Mike stops the carriage to read the sign by the roadside.)

Mike: (Reads) "Welcome to Hades, Population 1,000 Grinning Ghouls and a Few Good Spirits. Please proceed with caution, and don't let the boatman hand you the oar."

Peter: (He pales) Oh man...

Micky: That's peachy.

Mike: Sounds like a real swell place to live.

(Mike flicks the reins, and we continue on to what looks like the stock dark and stormy castle footage from the original Monkees episodes "Monkee See, Monkee Die," "I Was a Teenage Monster," and "Monstrous Monkee Mash." Mike stops by a familiar castle front set that would also appear to be the exterior castle front set from "Monstrous Monkee Mash.")

Mike: What a regular love nest.

Peter: I wouldn't want a bird to nest there, much less a human!

(Valerie rides up alongside them on a white horse, also in a Musketeer uniform.)

Peter: Val, what are you doing here?

Valerie: Barbara told me what happened, so I thought I'd lead the charge. (Juts a finger at the cops marching behind her) I found them wandering around near the Inn looking lost, so I brought them along.

Mike: Um, thanks Val, I think.

Valerie: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's save that Princess!