Ok, everyone ready for a nice Christmas dinner with the family?

Mike: You sure this is safe?

Peter: We're going to have a wonderful time!

Micky: Ready!

Davy: This could be dangerous...

(We open with a long shot of a tall building in downtown LA. The camera then cuts to the top floor of the building. It focuses on a lobby done in tones of soft mauve and gold, with trees decorated with white and gold balls and ornaments and ribbons. A young woman sits behind a desk in a fancy suit. Behind her, we see a dark wood bar and a bartender giving fancy cocktails to two people.)

Mike: (As the elevator opens) Em, do we really want to do this?

Emma: (As she steps off; they're both dressed in good clothes, him in a suit, her in a brown jumper and white blouse) Mike, it would probably be a lot cheaper - and easier on our sanity - to have someone else feed all of us and clean up the mess afterwards. Besides, the kids never get to go out to a nice restaurant.

Mike: Yeah, well, there's a reason for that.

Robbie: (He wears a nice little brown suit not unlike a miniature version of his father's...only he has a little red bow tie) Wow. Lookit this! :O

Katie: (She wears a green ruffled dress with shiny black Mary-Janes, white tights, and green ribbons in her curly black pigtails) This is the fanciest place I ever saw! Look at that window! (She pulls Robbie over to a wide window that wraps around the top floor) You can see all of Malibu Beach from here!

Robbie: Wow!

Mike: (Turns to Micky, as he and his family steps off the elevator next) You sure this is a good idea, takin' the kids to such a fancy place?

Micky: *Waves it off* It's fine! :)

*All three kids join Katie and Robbie at the window. The girls oooh and ahhh over the magnificent sights.*

Little Mick: Nice view!

Katie: Isn't it pretty? It'll look nice while we eat dinner!

Mike: And how did your Uncle and Aunt invite themselves along?

Micky: Ever try to turn down a couple where one can't hear and the other doesn't care?

(The elevator opens again as we see Lauren help Aunt Mae - who wears a plaid dress with a clashing floral coat and a huge flowered hat - out of the elevator, followed by Uncle Eugene in a bright blue leisure suit. They're followed by Peter with Jordan, both in good slacks and shirts, and Valerie in a dark green velvet dress. Chrissy, wearing a flowing red skirt and a green ruffled blouse, carries little Austin in a red and green romper.)

Chrissy: Hey, this place looks really nice! I haven't been to the Marquis De Lafayette in years!

Mike: Where's Davy and his girls?

Micky: They're on their way.

Chrissy: They were haggling with valet parking.

Aunt Mae: Micky, is this the hotel? Are we staying here?

Micky: *Sighs* No, you're not staying here. We're just eating here.

Uncle Eugene: No, we're stayin' with Micky! We're eating here!

Aunt Mae: We're eating hares? They serve rabbit here?

Chrissy: (Whispers to Micky) Is she for real? She's worse than my grandmother!

Micky: You don't know the half of it, Chris.

Valerie: (She goes up to the blond woman at the desk; she has high, delicate cheekbones and a large smile) Hi, Vicki. Reservation for ten adults and seven children?

Vicki: (Laughs) Hi, Val. You starting a family or an army?

Valerie: (Grins) A little of both, you might say.

*The elevator opens. Davy, Daphne, and Lizzie come off it.*

Katie: Lizzie! (She runs over to the little girl in the huge blue and white ruffled dress) Look at the windows! You can see everything in Malibu Beach from here!

Valerie: And here's the rest of our party.

Mike: What took you guys so long?

Davy: Just something with the valet not worth getting into. We're here now.

Vicki: Ok, everyone. We have tables set up for you right next to the windows.

Katie: (Turns to the other kids) Did you hear that? We get to eat next to the windows!

Jordan: Maybe I'll see my house!

Katie: Or mine!

(She leads them to a long series of tables set up next to the windows that wrap around the mauve-and-white room. The occasional plant can be found amid the waitresses in black and white formal tuxedo outfits. Martin and Elaine, Micky's neighbors, are seated next to the group. They're also dressed up and obviously very focused on each other, since they don't even notice the group's arrival.)

Aunt Mae: Oh, this is so nice! Who gets to sit next to me?

Uncle Eugene: Why, your loving husband, of course! (He plops down next to Mae) Micky can sit on my other side. He likes me.

Mike: (He sits on the other side between Emma and Katie, next to the window) I'm sure he's thrilled, Uncle Eugene.

*Micky gives Mike a dull glare.*

Uncle Eugene: (Puts an arm around Micky) So what you been doin' with yourself, boy? Anything useful?

Micky: Oh, the usual some of everything.

Uncle Eugene: Still workin' for that radio station? Mae an' I used to listen to you guys. (Elbows Micky) We got a real kick out of it, if you know what I mean.

Aunt Mae: Who is kicking who?

Valerie: No one is kicking anyone.

Micky: *Mutters* Not yet...

Jordan: (Bends around his father and turns to Little Mick) Is your uncle always this loud?

Little Mick: *Nods* Yeah, he is.

Mike: So, Uncle Eugene, what do you do?

Uncle Eugene: I'm a retired prop man from Paramount. Yeah, I follow the old family tradition. (Nudges Micky again) Right, Circus Boy?

Micky: *Groans* Uncle Eugene...

Jordan: Are you in the circus, Uncle Micky?

Mike: Sometimes, the way he acts.

Micky: Can we talk about something else?

Aunt Mae: I didn't know you joined the circus, Micky! Did Lauren join, too?

Robbie: Circus?

(Micky is spared having to answer Aunt Mae by the arrival of the waitress to take drink orders.)

Chrissy: (After the waitress leaves) I'm so glad I was able to join you guys for dinner! I haven't done anything with you in ages, even babysit the kids.

Valerie: We'll have to get you to do that more often.

Chrissy: I could use the money. I only have so much allowance per week, and I want to save up for a new record player instead of begging Daddy for it, one of those real top-of-the-line models. Maybe I'll even get one of those groovy stereos with the cassette recorders.

Mike: You're a smart girl, Chris.

Valerie: You always were. I'm so proud of you. You're doing so well in school.

Chrissy: (Blushes) Aww, Val...

Uncle Eugene: She your kid?

Valerie: My sister. Our mother died when we were young, so I sort of helped raise her.

Uncle Eugene: Someone did a good job. You're both gorgeous.

Chrissy: (Blushes harder) Wow...

Valerie: Thank you, sir.

*Micky puts his head in his hands.*

Peter: Davy and Micky, are you two going to tour again in the spring?

Uncle Eugene: You went on a tour and you didn't invite us?

Micky: We were performing, Uncle Eugene.

Uncle Eugene: You had to be in this area at least once.

Aunt Mae: You went out the back door?

Micky: Yes...no...

(Katie and Little Mick start kicking each other under the table. Jordan knocks his glass over and ducks down to retrieve it.)

(The waitress arrives with the menus. Mike raises his eyebrows at some of the choices.)

*Micky buries himself in the menu.*

Mike: (Leans over Micky) Don't buy everything. We'd have to sell our houses and possibly a few limbs for them.

Micky: Don't even, Mike.

Katie: Can I have ice cream? It has candy canes in it!

Mike: After dinner, cowgirl.

Emma: I must have the Vietnamese spring rolls. I once had them in a Vietnamese restaurant downtown. They are so good, so much more delicate and tender than regular egg rolls.

Mike: That filet mignon sure looks good.

Micky: The Pork Milanese is good.

Uncle Eugene: I just want my Christmas Turkey with Whole Berry Sauce. Ain't Christmas without the right stuff.

Aunt Mae: You been hittin' the sauce again, Eugene?

Uncle Eugene: I want cranberry sauce, Mae! Sheesh.

(Martin and Elaine glare as the waitress takes orders. They're being SO loud and vulgar!)

Peter: I'm just glad we're all here. I'm going to have the Bean Terrine and Fire-Roasted Vegetable Medley

Uncle Eugene: What's with all that foofy stuff? No steak? No turkey?

Peter: I don't eat meat.

Mike: (As the waitress leaves) So, how was everyone's Christmas day?

Katie: Uncle Micky, I got my new football! The twins and Jordan and I can start our own team now! We'll be better than the Raiders!

Micky: That's great, Katie!

Katie: Yeah! I love throwing a football around!

Robbie: Gots cars! They go vrroom!

Jordan: I got a new guitar, an' my brother gots a lotta clothes n' rattles n' stuff.

Chrissy: I got so many new records and piano sheet music, and my grandparents gave me money, so I can start saving for that stereo!

Uncle Eugene: Hey Mick, what did your tribe get?

Micky: A new yard, a fortress to play on, and way too many toys.

Mike: You finally finished the new playground for the kids?

Micky: Yes.

Peter: No wonder you've been scarce for the past few days.

Uncle Eugene: Was that all the cursin' I heard in the background on the phone when I called your woman, Mick?

Micky: *Drums his fingers on the table* Yes, well, that was part of it.

Mike: Did you drop the hammer on your foot, Mick?

Micky: No, I did not drop the hammer on my foot.

Emma: (Looks at Lauren) Come to think of it, you've been pretty scarce these past few days, too. I've had your kids a lot.

Lauren: I've had a lot to do, and not much oomph to do it with. I'm actually glad the holiday's over so I can REST now.

Uncle Eugene: How's the bun in the oven coming?

Lauren: Just fine. I can still see my feet. I'm just tired.

Uncle Eugene: I'll bet Mick keeps you busy. ;)

Lauren: He tries to.

(The waitress arrives with the appetizers. Katie, Jordan, and Little Mick immediately use their mozzarella sticks as weapons.)

Peter: Davy, how was Lizzie's Christmas? Did she get lots of horses?

Davy: In nearly every form imaginable.

Uncle Eugene: Kid likes horses, huh? Gonna be the Lone Ranger someday?

Davy: Something like that.

Uncle Eugene: (He stuffs a mushroom in his mouth) Damn, this is good. (Grabs two more)

Aunt Mae: Horses? In here?

Uncle Eugene: No, some kid got horses for Christmas!

Aunt Mae: She got hoses for Christmas?

Uncle Eugene: (Throws his hands in the air; to Micky) See what I deal with, kid?

*Micky just puts his hands to his face again, slowly shaking his head.*

Mike: Need any help with the rest of your yard, Mick?

Micky: No, it's all set now.

Katie: (As the waitresses take their plates) Can we play in the twins' yard tomorrow? I wanna see their new playground!

Robbie: Me too!

Mike: I think you can all do it...if Aunt Lauren says it's ok.

Valerie: Austin could use the nap time.

Chrissy: Hey, can I come, too? Sarah's with her grandparents for the Christmas holidays, and it beats homework.

Lauren: That would be great, Chrissy. I don't have the oomph to chase a bunch of kids anywhere.

Micky: And I'm already doing all I can to help her out.

Peter: We'll have a day together, then.

Uncle Eugene: Sorry we can't join ya, but we promised we'd go up n' see your mother tomorrow. She's supposed to be makin' some big Italian thing.

Micky: *Mumbles* Thank God...

Aunt Mae: What's that? I'm not muttering!

Uncle Eugene: We're going to see Micky's mother tomorrow! Jannelle!

Aunt Mae: Oh, Janet's living in Florida with her son and his family now.

Mike: (Whispers to Micky) Mick, whose side of the family are these two from, and is there any way you can disown that side?

*Micky just gives Mike a "help me" look.*

Valerie: Oh, everyone, I called the travel agency that does booking for my father's grocery conventions. I may be able to book all eight of us for Coconut Island in February. We'll stay at the resort hotel there.

Micky: *Perks up slightly* Really?

Lauren: *Smiles* Oh, that sounds wonderful!

Katie: Are we going, too?

Valerie: Sorry, sweetie, but this is for grown-ups only. You'll probably stay with Micky's mother or my father.

Katie: Awww!

Uncle Eugene: And we'll be in Florida then.

Emma: I can't wait! I know we'll have a great time.

Mike: Yeah. Havin' a beer at the bar...

Emma: Reading a book on the beach...

Valerie: Lounging by the pool....

Peter: Exploring the wildlife...

Lauren: Lounging while being waited on hand and foot... *sighs*

Micky: *Grins* NOT being the one doing the waiting on.

Davy: Swimming in the ocean...

Daphne: Para-sailing!

Uncle Eugene: (Grins at Daphne) Wow, you're a brave dame, for a little thing.

Daphne: *Grins* Don't let the size fool you.

Peter: (Nods with a slight grin) These ladies are far stronger than they appear.

Aunt Mae: Oh, they look strong enough to me. Very healthy. They've certainly all borne fine children.

Uncle Eugene: (Sees the twins arm-wrestling and Katie and Jordan trying to balance straws on their noses) No kiddin'.

Mike: (As the waitress arrives with their meals) Finally.

Uncle Eugene: Took you ladies long enough.

Katie: Ooh, my steak looks good!

Emma: (Sighs; mutters) Carnivore, just like her father.

Robbie: Fish cake!

Jordan: I have a burger!

Little Mick: Love spaghetti!

Shelly: I like my fish.

Leah: Mac an’ cheese is yummy!

Lizzie: Veggie pasta, yum!

Chrissy: Wow, what a lobster!

Micky: Check out that pork...

Mike: That's some white meat there, Mick.

Peter: (Sees Little Mick playing with his spaghetti) Careful there. You don't want to make too much of a mess there.

Little Mick: *Slurps up a strand* I'm careful!

Katie: (Moves away) You're making a mess! :

Jordan: (Watches him slurp) You're so good at that.

Uncle Eugene: (He's eating pasta, too; also slurps) Damn there, kid. You're good. (Burps very, very loudly)

Aunt Mae: (She stands, her eyes wide) Clear out! There's an air raid!

Uncle Eugene: (Pulls his wife back down) Sit down, Mae. That was me.

(Martin and Elaine glare at them. Other people turn and stare, too.)

Valerie: Where's the excuse me?

Uncle Eugene: Excuse what? That was one of my better ones!

*Micky just lowers his head and eats, ignoring the goings-on near him.*

Uncle Eugene: Aw come on, Mick! I've heard you do better n' that!

Mike: This is true.

Katie: I wanna hear Uncle Micky.

Emma: (Mutters) I don't.

Micky: Can we just... *sighs* I don't know...eat, maybe?

*Lauren nods, clapping Micky's shoulder.*

Mike: (Waves his slice of steak) What does this look like?

Katie: (Ducks Micky's spaghetti again) Little Mick, be careful!

Little Mick: Whaaaa-aaat?

Jordan: Mick, you're getting sphagetti sauce on us!

Emma: Little Mick, please be more careful with your dinner.

Little Mick: I am! *He slurps again, but he pulls too hard. The remaining pasta and sauce goes sailing over to the next table.* Uh oh...

(The camera follows the sauce as it lands right in the center of Elaine and Martin's table, splashing red goo everywhere. They both jump up at once as the waitresses come over to attend to them.)

Mike: Oh man....

Uncle Eugene: Nice hang time, kid.

Little Mick: *Sputters* But, I didn't...oh no...

Katie: You're in BIIIGGG trouble now, Mick!

Chrissy: Oh geez...

Little Mick: I didn't do it on purpose!

Mike: We told you to be careful, kid.

Uncle Eugene: Well...they sure got one heck of a Christmas present!

Aunt Mae: What was that about a kiss?

Uncle Eugene: (At the top of his lungs) CHRISTMAS PRESENT, MAE!

(This time, everyone really does stare.)

Mike: (He and Emma exchange looks...and duck down in their seats) Damn....

Peter: (He and Valerie do the same) Oh man...

*Davy and Daphne follow suit.*

*Lauren goes on eating. Micky props his chin in one hand and drums the fingers of his other hand.*

Uncle Eugene: (Shrugs) What?

(We fade out on the embarrassed group with everyone in the dining area staring at them.)