Ok, are you ready to torture the guys?

Mike: Maaaaannn, guys...

Micky: Oh, great.

(Peter bursts into tears.)

Davy: I don't like this at all, mates.

*We open back in Alex's computer room. He sits at the desk, clacking away on the keyboard. He grins evilly as an image appears on the screen. The camera zooms in until the computer screen is all we see. There's a darkened room, with shades of green, fading across numerous sets of stairs, all set up, aimed in different directions. Some are right-side up, some upside down, some sideways. All lead to a door at the end.*

(Peter enters through one of the doors, his face streaked with tears. He rubs his elbow.)

Peter: (Sobs) Where am I? Mike? Micky? Davy? (Makes a face) I wish I hadn't landed so hard! I'll have a nasty bruise there.

*There's a black haze, and an illusion of Alex appears, leaning in the doorway, arms folded.* >:)

Peter: Alex! (Wails) Where am I? Where are the other guys? What's going on?

Alex: *pushes out of the doorway, walks up to Peter, and slings an arm around him* Welcome to your funhouse, Bard. >:)

Peter: (Gulps and pulls away) Alex, what do you mean?

Alex: *grins* I want you to find your way out of here. It's actually very simple to do, or it would be if I could remember which set of stairs leads to the exit.

Peter: Where's Michael? Is he safe? :o

Alex: Oh, he's just fine. He's around here somewhere. Matter of fact, I'll be going to see him when I'm done with you.

Peter: Don't hurt him!

Alex: Believe it or not, I have no intentions of hurting him. I'm just going to have a little fun with him.

Peter: Promise?

Alex: *nods* Promise.

Peter: A...all right. As long as you don't hurt him or try anything on him...or anything else.

Alex: Am I doing anything harmful to you? I will not do more to him than I'm doing to you.

Peter: What about the others, Micky and Davy and the girls and...

Alex: The other two Guardians are also here. As for the girls, I haven't done anything...yet. >:) ;)

Peter: Don't hurt them! Especially Val!

Alex: Now now, Bard, calm yourself.

Peter: (Gulps) I've got to get out of here. I have to help them!

Alex: *claps Peter on the shoulder* Have fun, Bard. I'll see you at the exit.

Peter: But... (The illusion vanishes in the black haze before he can reach it) Darn. Alex! (Calls out) Michael! Micky! Davy! Val! (Wails) I WANNA GO HOME!

(He cries for a few minutes before finally getting a hold of himself, wiping his eyes with his tight sleeve.)

Peter: I won't see them again if I don't find that exit! (Frowns) But how? (Sighs) I guess I'll have to start up those steps. (Walks to the first set of steps; stops) Boy, is it dark up there. (Peter gulps, throws back his chin, and finally heads upstairs. The camera moves to a side shot of Peter walking up what looks like stairs from a very early Atari game and stays at the side shot)

*There's a rumbling sound. A couple of bowling ball-like objects come out the door and roll down the stairs.*

Peter: (Eyes widen) Yikes! (He jumps over the balls as high and fast as he can. He's panting when he's done, but at the top of the stairs) Whew! Where did they come from? There isn't a bowling alley around here for miles!

(Peter heads down a path, looking for the next staircase. When he finds it, we switch back to the side view as he goes up the stairs. We get a shot of what looks like the live-action Peter walking around on a very early video game screen on a regular TV set.)

Peter: Wow, this is weird. Alex said this is a funhouse. I wonder if that means I'm at a carnival? (He sniffs) I don't smell peanuts or popcorn or hear people barking for rides or anything.

*Vines suddenly appear from the "ceiling." Creatures with lots of big teeth crawl done the vines.*

Peter: Whoa! (Looks beyond the vines; it's just dark) I guess I have to climb the vines, but how am I going to get past those monsters? (He watches the creatures go up and down. As one starts, another starts, and then another. They don't all go up at the same time. Peter grins) Oh! I know how I'll do it! I just hope (he gulps) I CAN do it, because it'll require a lot of swinging. (Grins) Well, I guess it's time to find out what kind of a swinger I am! (Laughs at his own joke as he starts up the first vine and "Tear the Top Right Off Your Head" begins. Peter moves from vine to vine, avoiding the monsters.)

*Yellow objects fly past Peter. He catches one. It's a banana!*

(Peter grins and eats a banana as he ducks the onslaught of fruit.)

(He sees a baby gorilla wearing a jumper with a banana on it trying to climb the vines to reach a larger gorilla in a cage. He throws a banana at the monster chasing the baby on the vine. The monster falls off, and the baby grins at Peter. Peter gives it a banana. He eats it...and can suddenly go up the vine super-fast! :D)

(Peter makes a Tarzan yell as he pelts another monster with a banana and swings to the next vine. :D)

*Peter suddenly hears odd sounds below. He looks down and finds a small pond with an alligator in it, then he notices some logs rolling by.*

(Peter drops off the last vine and onto the ground next to the logs. He hops from log to log, finally feeding the alligator a banana.)

(He stops by a ladder. He starts to climb it...but we switch back to the front TV shot as he goes quickly in the opposite direction! The camera shows us why - he's being chased by crudely animated and VERY angry hot dogs and eggs with legs! Peter turns in the OTHER direction when he sees angry flying pickles coming his way! He starts crying, not realizing he's running over what looks like the top half of a hamburger bun. He runs up a ladder and looks down to see if the incensed edibles are still coming after him. Cut to the front TV shot again to show the moving food falling down on the bun, which "bumps" a huge lettuce leaf on the next level, then a red "beef patty" on the next level, then the bottom half of the "bun." It lands in a curved line on the bottom...effectively eliminating the food.)

(Peter runs down the hall again. He hears something rolling and looks over his shoulder. He sees barrels coming after him this time! He grabs a hammer that suddenly appears on the wall behind him and, in another front TV shot, goes right at the barrels and smashes them!)

Peter: (Makes his way up yet another staircase, this one on the other side of the screen, on a TV shot as the music ends) If this is a fun house, I'm not having much fun. (Stops; he hears a roar at the top of the stairs) Huh? What's that? Micky, is that you? Are you hungry?

(Peter jumps aside just in time, as a flame bursts past him, nearly charring him!)

Peter: Oh, my god! A dragon! (Turns and runs) MIIIIIIIIIICCCCCHHHHEEEAAAALLLLLL!!!!! :o

(A purple tentacle reaches out and grabs him as he turns to run. It's a crudely animated cross between a squid, a purple blob, a snake, and the alligator Peter saw earlier. It opens it's mouth to reveal huge teeth. Peter pulls his hands out, gasping.)

Peter: Wow, and the guys say I give hard hugs! (Makes a face as the monster growls at him) Boy, do you have bad breath! Did you eat one of Micky's garlic, liver, and fried onion sandwiches this afternoon? :p

*A green blob starts slithering towards Peter. A pair of white eyes are seen in its slimy body.*

Peter: Yuck! (The monster drops him right next to the blob; Peter's covered with purple goo) This is never going to wash out.

(Peter pulls back, trying to figure out how he's going to defeat both of the monsters.)

Peter: I wish Michael were here...or I had that hammer again. (He frowns, trying to think) There has to be a way around or over these guys, like there were with the little monsters on the vines.

*The blob flings green slime balls at Peter.*

Peter: (Ducks) Hey! I just want to get through! (He thinks) How am I going to get past these guys? (Suddenly looks up, grinning) Hey, that's it! I wonder if they're just hungry, like the gorilla and the alligator? I'll bet Alex doesn't feed these guys! (He takes a banana from some magical place in his uniform) Hey, Mr. Scary Monster, would you like a banana? :)

*The blob and the monster look at him, and a smile suddenly appears.* :D

Peter: Here you go, guys! (Throws both the blob and the tentacled creature bananas) Enjoy!

*The blob slurps up his bananas, grins, and slithers away.*

(The big monster pats the little monster on his side, then hands Peter a big golden key that looks like it's a key from a very early Atari game.)

Peter: Thanks! (He turns to the door the monsters were guarding.)

(The "door" is just a brown rectangular shape with a very big keyhole the exact size of Peter's key, which has a small rectangular piece on the end. He pushes it in, turns it, and grins when he hears a click.)

Peter: Here I go! Hold on, everyone, I'm coming! (He goes through the door. As he does, we fade out on him and fade in on the hallway. The four MonkeeWomen are walking down the hall, Valerie still dragging Lauren in a trance.)

Emma: For the last time Daph, we are NOT going to the kitchen! Imagine yourself something to eat!

Daphne: Aw, but Em...

Valerie: Can we stop somewhere and rest for a minute? I cannot keep dragging Lauren around like this. :P

Emma: (Sighs) Fine. (Opens the nearest door and peers in) Ok, no devils here. Come on, guys.

(The four women enter the room. Three pairs of eyes widen as they realize the room is dominated by the back half of what looks like a huge, metal square object covered with buttons and wires.)

Emma: What in the...

Valerie: *eyes widen* Oh my goodness!

Daphne: What the heck is that?

Emma: (Peeks around the front) Guys, look! It's Alex! Alex: *slams both fists on the computer* DAMMIT! How could he figure out how to get through those monsters? They should've scared the shit outta him!

Emma: "He" who?

(Emma goes back to the back end of the computer. She tugs at a large panel on the bottom and realizes it's loose.)

Emma: Valerie, help me get this panel off! Daph, keep an eye on Alex, but don't let him see you. If he catches us, we're all sunk.

Daphne: *nods* Okay.

*Valerie helps Emma tug at the panel.*

Emma: Got it! (She and Valerie finally get the panel off) Now, to figure out how to rewire this thing or at least stop it. Val, do you have any experience with computers?

Valerie: Some, but I'm usually on the other side of the computer.

Emma: I know one person with any kind of computer experience, and that's Micky. :p

*We switch back to Alex, who's shaking his head now. He starts clacking away again. A new scene appears on the monitor. This time we see an outdoor scene with very green grass and a bluer-than-blue sky. Sets of brick blocks float in the air, along with some flashing blocks marked with question marks.*

(There's a black light, and Mike falls onto the very green grass. He stands, dusting himself off and grumbling Spanish curse words.)

Mike: God damn that asshole! When I get my hands on him, I'm gonna...

Alex: *materializes as the illusion again* You're gonna what?

Mike: I'm gonna do this! (He takes a swing at Alex...but goes straight through him) What in the HELL happened? I must have hit my head harder than I thought.

Alex: *folds his arms, grinning* No, you fool, I'm not really here. I'm just a figment of your imagination, here to tell you what your funhouse is like.

Mike: What if I ain't in the mood for fun?

Alex: You don't wanna have fun? Just because I called it a funhouse doesn't mean it has to be fun, Knight. *looks around Mike* Whadaya know, they're early. ;)

*A couple of turtle-like creatures, green and red in color, come trotting up as Alex fades out.*

Mike: (Frowns) What in the HECK are you guys supposed to be? (One bumps into him...and he shrinks to a little bit shorter than Davy! He squeaks with a slightly higher voice) Ow! Well, I guess you ain't friendly!

*A brown, mushroom-shaped creature waddles up next.*

Mike: First turtles, now a demented mushroom! What next?

*A tiny cloud with a smiley face appears in the sky next. A little creature pops up from in the cloud and tosses a spiked ball. The ball unfurls, and appears to be similar to the turtle creatures, except with spikes. The cloud creature continues to toss the spiked creatures.*

Mike: Ok, that's it. I ain't takin' anymore of that stuff Jack gave me yesterday.

(He ducks around a spike ball, then jumps and hits a brick. Much to Mike's surprise, not only does it NOT hurt, but he hears a "cling" sound and sees a coin appear!)

Mike: What did I do, hit a bank? (He hits one of the flashing bricks; a brown and red-spotted mushroom pops out) I hope this ain't poisonous. (Picks up the mushroom - it's almost bigger than he is!) Down the hatch. (He takes a big bite out of the mushroom. There's a dark light, and he returns to his normal size; looks himself over) That's certainly better.

*The Koopas (turtles) and Goombas (mushroom-like creatures) start coming towards Mike again, this time there's a Koopa, then three Goombas, then two more Koopas.*

(He accidentally steps on the first non-spiked red turtle. It hides under it's shell. Mike shoves it away with his toe. The first Koopa slides right through the three Goombas and two Koopas, knocking all five creatures off the screen, before going over the side of a small ravine.)

Mike: (Raises his eyebrows and grins a little) Hey, I think I have somethin' here.

*The little guy in the Smiley Cloud reappears, tossing the spiked guys.*

Mike: (Looks up) Hey, buddy, watch where you aim those things! They could put somebody's eye out!

("Little Red Rider" begins as Mike hits another flashing block. A flower sprouts out of the block. He jumps on the block and picks the flower. As he does, his uniform changes from red with black trim to white with red trim. He frowns at the flower, wondering what it's supposed to do. He shakes it a little...and suddenly, the flower spits out a trail of flame that char-broil three spiked creatures!)

*Some of the creatures Mike hits with fireballs turn into silver coins, which he collects.*

(Mike grins wickedly and aims the fire flower at the little guy in the clouds.)

*The little guy turns into a silver coin upon being hit.* :P

(Mike collects the coins and hops on the cloud, "riding" it over turtles, mushrooms, grass, blocks, and giant green and orange sewer pipe-like entrances. He leans back in the cloud, enjoying his ride.)

*Unfortunately, the little cloud eventually breaks up and sends Mike tumbling. He lands in a screen of bright blue water, where he sees fish swimming back and forth...and more coins!*

(Mike dives after the coins, but accidentally runs into a little orange fish with big eyes. He remains big, but his flower vanishes in a dark light, and his uniform reverts to it's original colors. He frowns. He has the feeling he's being followed...)

*A rather large fish appears behind Mike, following him.*

(Mike's eyes widen. The fish looks like the small orange fish, but it’s HUGE, about eight times their size. It opens it's giant jaws in an attempt to swallow Mike whole, but he swims away as fast as he can, barely missing three floating squid!)

(Mike finally swims into a pipe in an attempt to get away from the fish's gaping jaws. He lands in a dark cave-like tunnel made up of navy bricks and more flashing blocks. He's covered in seaweed, which he peels off of him in disgust.)

(He sees five more Goombas coming straight at him. He makes a face, takes a running jump, and lands right in the middle of the five, flattening all of them at once. He hits a flashing box and makes another flower appear, once again changing the color of his uniform. He hits a few more bricks and gets a few more coins. He hits another brick and gets a green mushroom. He eats it and the words "1 Up" appear next to him.)

(He jumps two more Koopas and sends them sliding, then follows them...until he comes to a very low brick overhang. It's so low, he can't fit, and there are no Koopas or Goombas around to make him little again. He turns back around and runs as fast as he can, then slides UNDER the bricks and comes up on the other side!)

(He goes down another pipe, this one dark blue. He falls into a room that's full of coins! He grabs as many as he can, then takes another pipe back to the surface. He's confronted with a series of girders moving. He jumps on a girder and rides it to the very top of the bricks, then jumps onto the bricks, then the next top girder. We only see his booted feet and the bottoms of his spandex-encased legs during this sequence. He keeps running past a pipe in the main room until he finds an opening. Three pipes stand in the opening. One has a "2" over it, one has a "3," and one has a "4." Mike shrugs and jumps into the "4" as the music ends.)

Mike: (Lands on gray bricks) Ouch! Man, don't they have any means of transportation around here that ain't hard on the rear? (Looks around. The gray bricks lead into a dark room lit by nothing but small pits of lava with balls of fire spitting out and lines of fireballs turning slowly.) Shit.

*There's a low thumping sound from inside the dark room.*

Voice: Are you afraid, Knight?

Mike: (Closes his eyes and gulps, then opens them and says, as defiantly as he can) No, I ain't afraid! I ain't afraid of no one! (He jumps as fast as he can, jumping over fire pits and around fire wheels and lands in another dark gray tunnel) Who are you? Show yourself!

*More low thumping sounds. Finally, a large dinosaur steps out, just at the end of the bridge leading over the lava. The dinosaur cocks his head in a familiar fashion.*

Dinosaur: Are you still not afraid?

Mike: (Closes his eyes again, then steps forward) Yeah, I ain't afraid of you, you overgrown handbag! I'll bet you're just an illusion, like Alex.

*The dinosaur breathes fire...very REAL fire!*

Mike: (Jumps aside, just barely missing getting toasted) Whoa! I take that back. You're real.

Dinosaur: Name's Bowzer. I'm REALLY good friends with Alex.

Female Voice: (Just beyond the dinosaur) Heeeellllpppp! Help me!

Bowzer: Aw, shut up, would ya?

Mike: (Frowns) Sounds like the dinosaur's been kidnappin' damsels in distress.

Bowzer: Why wouldn't I?

Mike: Well...(pulls out his fire flower)...two can play at this game! Stand back, pal, this flower's loaded!

*Bowzer gives an eerily familiar evil grin as more fireballs come up from the lava pit.*

(Mike is paying attention to his flower and not the lava pit. He's hit by the fireballs. He manages to put up his cape and not get burned, but he once again loses his flower and reverts to his original uniform.)

Bowzer: So, what're you gonna do without your magic flower?

Female Voice: Please, help me!

Mike: What did you do to that girl?

Female Voice: I'm trapped here!

Bowzer: She's in the dungeon behind me. You get past me and she goes free. *shrugs* I've seen more people get barbecued trying to past me than have gotten by.

Mike: (Frowns) I don't think I'll be gettin' through you (looks under them at the lava), and I sure as hell ain't gettin' UNDER you, but maybe... (He pulls back and takes another running jump, this time a very, very long one. We get a slow-motion shot of Mike jumping over the huge, crudely animated, and now very shocked dinosaur, before landing on the other side in the dungeon!)

*The dungeon is merely a dark room with the gray blocks. The woman sits on a stool, dressed like a princess.*

(It's the young woman we saw earlier with Alex, but she now wears a long, elaborate yellow gown with puffy sleeves and a crown instead of a tight black dress and collar.)

Mike: Who are you? Are you ok?

Princess: *stands* Oh, thank you! I'm the soul of one of custom car driver Amy Thomas, and thanks to you, I’m free! :D

Mike: I KNEW Alex was up to somethin' nasty! (Shake's Amy's faint hand) You're welcome, darlin'. You don't deserve to be stuck sittin' behind a dinosaur with some serious heartburn.

Amy: As reward for making it this far... *produces a key* this key fits the dungeon door and will allow you to proceed to the next level.

(The key has a zig-zag shape. Mike smiles.)

Mike: Thanks, Amy, and good luck! (He slides the key in the dungeon door and heads out; Amy waves and fades away in a blue light)