Unconditional Love

Written By: Lauren aka Riph Raph

Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT, although I'd like to own Raph, but... ah--I do own the character Adalida, however, her name is from the song "Adalida" by George Strait. "Unconditional Love" comes from the song of the same title by Clay Davidson. Much later it the fic are the lyrics to "I Love A Rainy Night" by Eddie Rabbit.

8am. It's quiet here in the farmhouse. I guess I might be the only one up... well, then again, there's only me, April, and Casey. I'm hoping Donnie will show today. As for Leo... he'll probably come, sometime. Raph... I don't even know *where* he is, so I'm not exactly expecting an appearance from him anytime soon.

My thoughts keep me occupied as I head downstairs. I take a peek out a window in front, just to check. I'm wondering if Shadow will come. I sighed. Thinking about all of this way too much. I'm trying to get (almost) everyone together and it isn't Christmas. It's still for a special reason though, aside from it being a beautiful June day.

I headed for the kitchen and stopped in the doorway, my jaw dropping to the floor. It can't be...

Earlier in the week...

*ring, ring* "Hello?"

"Mikey."

"Don!" I said, surprised. "So, you're not a total recluse yet?"

"Ha, ha, very funny. I saw you last Christmas."

"You were the only one," I added.

"Yeah, I know," Don said, then paused. "That's why I called. It's next week, you know."

I looked at the calendar on the wall. "Ten years since Splinter died," I said, quietly.

"I found Leo. He said he's going to come, but said I shouldn't pick him up..."

"You're comin', too!" I said, excitedly. "Don-san!"

He chuckled. "I have ways of talking Leo into things."

"Didja find..." I began.

"Not yet," Don said, then sighed. "I must admit he's done an excellent job of vanishing into stubborn air."

My turn to chuckle, but it subsided quickly. "There's always a chance he'll show. That's why we come here. It's the one place he's most likely to show up at."

"Ever the optimist, eh, Mike?"

"Well, one of us has to be," I said. "So, when're you coming?"

"I'm leaving later on today. Should get there in a few days... I'm driving down. It's easier that way," Don said.

"I'll fix up yours and Leo's rooms, then," I said.

"Thanks, Mikey. I gotta get going and finish packing. I'll see you in a few days," Don said.

"Bye."

"Bye, Mikey." *click*

I hung up the phone, then went into the living room.

"Who was that?" Casey asked.

"Donnie. He's coming in a few days," I said.

"Good," April said. "Leo?"

"Don talked to him. He'll show."

"Raph?" April asked.

I sighed, then shrugged. "Don't know, we can't find him. Well, I guess two outta three ain't bad." I started towards the stairs and went up to fix up the rooms.

Looking out over a swamp... I'm sitting at the edge of it. My good eye narrowed to a slit as I focused on movement at the other end of the water. 'Nother gator. If it weren't for the gators, I'd never get a good workout.

The movement stopped, and I'm left staring at green water. It's actually nice lookin', with the sun out and all. From the weather, I know it's June, but, hell, it doesn't really matter out here. Me against nature... I like those odds. I stood up, then start down my well-worn path. At the end, there's a ledge, and on a clear day, I can usually see most of Baton Rouge.

Some nights I take a hike down there, mostly I just look, though. Tonight feels different, like something's pulling me down to the city. Maybe I'd better go... for the hell of it.

"How did I let Donatello talk me into this?" I asked myself. The truth is, I didn't really want to go back to the farmhouse, even though I would like to see m brothers again. Then again, it isn't like I'm going to see *all* of them. If Raph can detach himself from us...

But I shouldn't think like that. We all went our separate ways. It shouldn't surprise me that he seemingly couldn't care less about us anymore.

It tore him up when Splinter died. I swear, that was the *only* time I saw that stubborn idiot cry. He was more broken up than Mike, and poor Mikey was bawling for two days! Thing is, Raph only cried the first day, then holed himself up for the two days after.

I tried my damnedest to keep us together, I really did. But it didn't take long before Raph finally just up and left. I guess it'd been two weeks. We'd barely seen him. Then he disappeared, left in the middle of the night like he usually did... except he never came back. I keep wondering if there was anything that I *could've* done.

Probably not. Atleast he left calmly. We hadn't argued or fought for about a month. I had thought we were co-existing rather well. And then he left. Then I did.

But... I going back. I've decided. I want to see my brothers, April and Casey, and maybe even Shadow again.

I just can't help but wonder where Raphael is.

Midnight. The city is fairly quiet, but not as dark as I like it. I can't wait any longer, though. Something keeps pulling me. I glanced around at my surroundings. It's funny, I kinda feel like a part of this city. Of course, walking around this late, I run into all the drunks. But, then again, when you're a mutant turtle, I guess it's best that only the drunks see you.

There's no one on the street, which slightly surprised me. It's an amazingly clear night, and definitely brighter than I normally like. Ah, screw it, I need to find out what's pulling me.

I take advantage of some shadows and slip into them. It's amazing the details you pick up on when you've only got one good eye. My gaze landed on someone finally. They just crossed the street and... I could swear they just looked right at me. Shit! I moved farther into the darkness as the person begins their approach.

Should've stayed at the swamp. But no, I just had to find out what was compelling me to come down here. Dammit! I looked around for that person again only to find they've disappeared. Now, where the hell did they...?

"It's you!"

I turned, still concealed in darkness, and faced the owner of a rather familiar voice.

I plopped down on the couch. Geez, fixing up Leo's and Don's room took alot longer than I'd thought! Well, then there was all the shopping I did, too. Maybe I shoulda let April and Casey help, but... it was stuff I really wanted to do on my own.

"Mike?"

I turned and saw April enter the living room half asleep. "I didn't wake ya, did I?"

"No," she replied. I returned with a look saying 'I don't believe you.' She sighed. "Actually, you did wake me up." She came over and sat next to me. "You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but..."

"Uh oh," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Seriously, Mike," she gave me a glare to add emphasis. "What do you think Raph is doing?"

"Well..." I began, but paused. Truth is, I didn't have a clue. Just feels like forever since... "I don't know. If I did, I'd be looking for him. But right now, I don't feel like searching every square inch of this country, or the rest of this continent just to find him and have him blow me off, either."

"Shadow?"

She smiled. "You did recognize me. It's been a while."

I frowned. "Yeah, guess so." Beat. "What're you doin' here?"

"College," she said. "Umm... Raph, you think we can talk somewhere where I can actually *see* you? Talking to the darkness is interesting, but kinda creepy."

I sighed. Great, just great. She's gonna ask about it, I know it. "A'right, follow me." I lead her back towards the swamp, but turned towards the ledge. When we reached the top, I kept my back to her. "Well?"

"You're being stubborn."

"So?"

Next thing I knew, she spun me around to face her and she gasped. "My God! What happened to-?"

I put a hand up to stop her. "Not important. Why do ya wanna talk to me?"

"Well, Don got my email address. He sent me an invite to go back to the farmhouse. He explained about his and Mike's get-together. he didn't really get into why..."

I let out a shaky breath I didn't know I'd been holding. "Ten years since Splinter's death." How did I know this? After all the years of willing myself not to remember. Never really know what time of year it was. Trying to distract myself, make myself forget the hurt, forget the emptiness...

"I'm going," she said, cutting through my thoughts.

I blinked. "What?"

"Just what I said: I'm going," Shadow said. "I assume you didn't know about it. Do you wanna come with me?"

Do I wannna go? Damn, I couldn't handle his death then, I sure as hell couldn't take it now. Just thinking about it is tough enough.

"I've only been away from them a few years. They miss you. Really."

"You go."

"Without you? I don't think so."

Now, why the hell is she so determined...

"You're coming with me, so don't argue," she said, grabbing my hand and pulling me along. The strange thing is, I let her.

Present

I can't help the smirk that crosses my face as I watched Mike's jaw hit the floor.

"Raph!" he yelled, then jumped up, ran over, and hugged me.

I rolled my eye. "Announce it to the world, Mikey. Yes, I *am* alive."

he pulled away and it finally sunk in. His smile faded and his brow lowered. "What..." He paused, looking like he was searching for something to say.

"Don and Leo re s'poseta show?" I interrupt. Mike nodded. "I'll tell ya then."

Mike smiled again. "I can't believe you're here. How

As if on cue, Shadow came in with her bag. "Uncle Mike!"

Mike's jaw dropped again and did the same to her as he did me. I shook my head and sat down at the table, nabbing the cup of coffee that Mike had had in front of him.

Soon, they joined me at the table. Mike kept giving me this dopey grin.

"Shadow, I can't get over that you actually found him!" he said, happily.

"Mikey," I said, glaring at him, "you're makin' me ill. Stop it." I paused for effect, then pointed at the eye patch. "Don't make me show you what's left under here."

Mike cringed. "I won't say another word."

Shadow laughed. "Sure, scare the crap outta poor Mikey."

"Hey, just remember that me comin' here was *your* idea," I reminded her, then saw Mike's questioning look. "Sorry, Mike, but, no, I didn't exactly want to come."

"What the hell's all the commotion down here...?" Casey asked, entering the kitchen. A surprised look crossed his face. "Raph?" Beat. "Shadow!" He went over and hugged her, then turned to me.

"Hug me and die, Casey," I said, adding a grin.

Casey grinned back. "Told ya you oughtta wear a hockey mask."

"Yeah, yeah," I said, waving him off.

"I must be hearing things because I thought..." April began, then came through the doorway. "Raph!" She rushed over and hugged me.

I faked a cough. "Can't... breathe..."

She pulled away, looking at me like she's trying to figure out if I'm real or not. Then I can see her gaze rest on the patch.

I shook my head. "Don't ask, I'll explain it later."

She nodded, then went over to greet Shadow.

"Raph, you keep saying that..." Mike said.

I sighed. "For one, it's actually a long story and..." I paused, looking down at the mg I snitched from Mike, "...well... it's..." God, why can't I even explain why it's so tough to explain. Something keeps nagging at me that I'm gonna lose it once I start talking about it. "I'm just not thrilled with remembering what happened, that's all." I looked up to see then staring at me. Wonderful. Gee, now I can't wait for Leo to show. This is too much. I stood, grabbing my bag, and headed for the stairs. Half way up, I remembered that Mike wasn't expecting me and wondered if I even still *had* a room here. I kept going, deciding to check for the hell of it. I turned the doorknob and stepped in to find... the room hadn't been touched, except to be dusted. A smile tugged at my lips and decided to get out of my 'swamp' attire. I wondered if any of them had even noticed...

I know I shouldn't be following him, but I have to. I just have to talk to him alone. At the top of the stairs, I'm surprised the door is still open. I can see him rummaging through his bag that's still sitting on the bed. I knocked on the doorframe. "Hey, Raph?"

"Yeah, Mike?" he replied, without turning to me.

"Where've you been?" I asked. So much for small talk.

He pulled out his old, red bandanna--which didn't really look red anymore--and turned to me. "Ya know, I'm gonna explain everythin' later." He tied on the bandanna.

"I know, but Shadow was in college in Baton Rouge..." I started.

"Ya got it, Mike," Raph replied, cutting me off, then removed the cloak. He pulled out his old belt and a pair of very new sai.

"Is it nice down there?" I asked, genuinely interested.

"I'm plannin' on goin' back, if that's what ya mean."

I frowned. I really wish he'd stay around. "So... anything you wanna share with me now?" Now, I'm pushing it, I know it.

Raph chuckled. The hell? I must be delirious!

"Mikey, ya just don't give up. You'll find out everythin' later," he said, then walked up to me, and patted the side of my head. "So, just be patient, or you'll be the one I try my new sai on, kapeesh?"

"Gotcha," I said. This is gonna be one interesting get-together.

"You couldn't just let me walk here, could you?" I asked, slightly irritated.

Donnie gave me a quick look. "Well, since when did you start hitch-hiking, Leo? I can think of so many times when you told Raph..."

"Fine, fine," I said, waving him off.

"Leo, you can't hold a grudge against Raph forever. Maybe the circumstances won't allow him to come back," Don argued.

"Or maybe he's just being Raph and doesn't want to see us," I argued back.

"The house is just ahead. Think you can hide the sour expression atleast until after our arrival?" Don said.

I sighed, wondering if this was such a good idea after all.

Don parked the van, and we got out, hauling our bags with us up the walk, then the porch. Don knocked, and it's a matter of seconds before the door was whipped open.

Mike's giving us such a wide grin, he looked ready to explode. "Leo! Donnie!" He flung one arm around each of us. Geez, he's nearly choking me.

"Down, Mikey," Don quipped, grinning.

"Hi, Mike," I greeted, unable to keep my foul mood in his presence.

Mike closed the door after us. We dropped our bags by the door and headed into the living room. "Look who just decided to show up!"

"Shadow!" Don and I said in unison. She came over and gave us hugs, exchanging more greetings and "how are you’s”.

"Now, I know why I hate reunions," Casey commented, from the couch, and received an elbow to the gut from April.

"It's the nauseating feelin'."

I froze. No way... I turned.

"Seen a ghost, Leo?" Raph asked, smirking at me.

He proved me wrong. "Yeah, I'm looking at one now." I returned the smirk.

Raph left his spot in the doorway and joined us, first clapping me on the shoulder, then he turned to Don. "Hey, Donnie."

"Good to see you, Raph," Don said, then his expression dropped. "My God, what happened to you?"

I did a double take. I really must be out of it, because just now I noticed Raph's eye patch.

Raph sighed. "Well, I guess I gotta tell it now." Beat. "A'right, if any-a you need a snack or whatever, do it now..."

Flashback...

I brushed off my hands. 'Nother day, 'nother gator,' I thought. Now, it was a daily occurrence, but I really enjoy the fight they put up.

"You make it look too easy."

I looked over and was greeted by a very welcome face. "A'right, how long've you been there, Adalida?"

She smiled. "Long enough." Beat. "Hungry?"

"Starvin'," I replied.

"Why do I bother asking?" Adalida said, starting down the path.

I followed briefly, then caught up to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"I wish you wouldn't fight those gators, Raphael. I mean, every week, there's news of someone being killed or seriously injured..." Adalida began.

And I interrupted. "But I ain't just someone. 'Sides, I've been doin' this for nearly three years now, but the gators don't learn."

"I just think it's dangerous..." she said, the worry still evident in her voice.

I swear, I'd be content just to stare at this girl forever. Petite, just over 5ft., brown hair, blue-green eyes, fair complextion. Even above that: she accepted me.

I shook my head. "I don't know why you didn't run off screamin' and leave me."

Adalida sat next to me on her couch. "I don't scare easily." She smiled.

God, I love that smile. I always feel like I could get lost in it. I returned the smile and slipped an arm around her shoulders again, pulling her closer until our lips met.

She opened her mouth enough to let my tongue enter. I wrapped my other arm around her waist, and she obliged, putting her arms around my neck.

I let my hands begin to roam her back, stopping when my thumb brushed the hook on her bra...

Present...

"Waitaminute!" Mike cried out, wide-eyed.

"There are ladies present," Leo reminded.

I threw my arms out in irritation. "Did I forget ta say 'no interruptions'? And I know! Geez, gimme a little credit, a'right? Nothin' happened anyway..."

Flashback...

...But Adalida gave me a gentle push away. "Raphael..."

Tried and bombed again. I sighed. "I'm sorry. I... got a little carried away."

She smiled. "It's okay," she tapped my beak, "but you keep forgetting."

"Yeah," I agreed, disappointed, and now in the need of cold water.

"Want some music?" Adalida suggested.

I shrugged. "Sure."

She got up and went over to turn on her radio.

"...Police are cautioning citizens of an above average numbers of alligators near and in the swamps. Take caution if you must go near them. Should you see a gator..."

"Oh, my..." Adalida gasped.

I smiled and cracked my knuckles.

She gave me a worried look. "Raphael, don't."

"They wanna be rid of those gators? I'm just the turtle to do it," I said, then got up, and gave her a quick kiss. "I'll be back before supper."

"Please be careful," Adalida said.

"I'll be right back," I said, then left for the swamp.

It was quiet when I got there--no gators in sight. I walked around and started thinking I'd get back even sooner. I skimmed the edge of the water, looking out in the opposite direct of the water, taking in the beauty of the land.

Before I even knew what happened, I was in the water and nearly smacked my head on a huge rock. Foruntately, I got a hand up in time, but my wrist wasn't as lucky as my head. Landing, my hand bent in an awkward direction and I could almost hear it break. 'Shit! Addy's gonna have my shell for this!'

I surfaced and practically came face-to-face with thel argest gator I'd seen to date. With a bad wrist, I knew I had to get the hell outta there, assuming I enjoyed living. But for some reason, I couldn't get myself moving. The gator closed in, snapping at me. I dodged it, so it started clawing at me.

I ducked under the surface, thinking I'd out-smart it, but it followed suit and hit me hard in my side with its tail. Then I saw another claw come at me... and everything went dark.

"Raphael?"

The voice sounded so distant in the darkness. I'm surprised I heard it over the jackhammer in my head. God, my head hurt somethin' fierce.

"Raphael, please wake up."

Now, I could hear the voice right next to me. I knew consciousness--and pain--wasn't far behind.

"Addy?" It came out no louder than a whisper.

"Oh, Raphael! Thank goodness!" she said, sounding extremely relieved.

"Hurts," I managed, then tried opening my eyes. I groaned as the headache grew. Finally, I got one eye open... but I tried opening both...

"I'm afraid I've got some bad news," Adalida began.

"Wrist broken?" I whispered.

"Sprained, but there's something worse, I'm afraid," she said, then paused, " the gator... clawed your face and..."

The whole room did a 360 and I felt nauseaus. "Blind in that eye..." I groaned.

"I shouldn't have let you leave," she said.

"Not yer fault..." I whispered, then sucked in a deep breath and tried to sit up.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Adalida asked.

"Need to... see it..." I choked out, trying to stand.

She tried to keep me from standing. "No, you need to rest, Raphael."

"Screw it," I mumbled, but she still held onto me. But I tried my damnedest to look at what was left. God, I didn't even know where I was, the room kept spinning.

"I won't let you," Adalida said. I gave her what I thought was a light shove.

The sound I heard sounded too much like the distinct *crack* of a head meeting a hard wood floor. The room spun again. "No..." Dizzy, nauseaus, and now guilty about hurting her, I knelt near her, feeling around for a pulse. I blinked my good eye, trying to get some focus, but the room just kept spinning and everything remained blurry.

I let out a choked sob. What had I done? How could I have been so stupid? She... loved me... and I... hurt her...

Present...

I looked at the floor, a tear pricking my eye. A quiet, choked sob escaped my lips. Before I knew it, a tissue appeared in front of me. I looked at Shadow, giving me somewhat of a forced smile and I did what I could to return it.

God, the walls I'd spent so many years building just about came crashing down (again?). I finally ventured a glance around at everyone... sadness evident in their faces, even Leo's.

"I killed 'er," I choked out again. "Jus' an accident." I put a hand over my eyes. "I hate remembering this."

"Hey, Raph, I'm sorry about buggin' ya with it earlier," Mike said, slowly.

I waved him off. "S'a'right. Knew I'd have to tell ya this some time."

"So... what happened after that?" Leo asked.

"Heh?" I looked up at him.

"What happened? What did you do?" Leo asked again.

What the hell's he gettin' at? I shrugged. "Went back to the swamp and stayed there. Took me the longest damn time to go back to the city."

"So you left her there," Leo stated.

I glared at him. "'Scuse me?"

"Was she really dead? Did you check for a pulse?" Leo asked. Now he decided to become 'Fearless Leader' again? Finally thought he'd mellowed out...

"Leo, knock it off," Don said.

...But it was all I needed at that moment. "The fuck?" What the hell're ya doin', Leo? Here I am actually pourin' my heart out, bawlin' in front of all of you and you..." I spat, quickly passing pissed.

"Obviously, she'd helped you survive. You didn't help her. You ran away," Leo said, still calm.

I must've had that 'ready-to-explode' look on my face cuz everyone else got up and left the room.

"Shit! Leo! I was half dead when I woke up! I had no fuckin' clue of what the hell I was doin'!" I yelled. I paused, then added, quietly, "I didn't push her that hard." It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself instead of Leo.

Leo looked at the floor, then me again. He sighed, running a hand over his face. "Raph, I... I didn't mean to... I mean..."

"Dammit, jus' say it!" I cried out. He's killin' me.

"I'm sorry," he said, quietly.

I heard a knock at my door. "Raph?" Mikey.

I didn't answer, figuring if he really wanted to talk, he'd try again.

"Raph, it's Mike..."

"It's open," I said, more or less to the ceiling.

The door opened and Mike came in, closing it after him. "Hey."

"Hey," I returned. I watched him look around the room. He had no idea how to start whatever he wanted to say.

He started roaming around, looking at what few new items I'd added to the room. He stopped at the dresser and picked up a small frame. "Is this...?" He looked at me. I nodded. "Doesn't it... hurt... to look at?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I said. I lied. It hurt all the time. It hurt when I didn't look at the picture.

"She's pretty," he said, absently, replacing the frame.

"Mm," I agreed.

Next, he picked up the discarded bandanna and stared at it. "What's it like?"

I smirked. "Wanna see it?"

Mike's eyes practically fell out of his head. "Not really." He replaced the bandanna.

"Imagine my surprise," I began, not really surprised at how Mike had gotten me talking, "a year later, when I finally went back to the city and found a discarded mirror, as if the reflection the water gave off hadn't been enough. Took me long enough to finally yank off the bandage." I sighed. "So I found a patch, I'll spare ya the story of that, it's kinda borin' anyway." Beat. "I don't know how Addy did it..." I closed my eye. 'She's dead,' I thought, again. 'I killed her... But it was an accident! I wasn't thinking straight.' As a result of my internal struggle, a tear escaped and rolled down the side of my face.

Mike noticed. "I shouldn't've brought it up..."

I opened my eye and looked at him. "It ain't yer fault, Mikey. It's mine."

He shook his head. "She must've been somethin' cuz... uh--well... er..."

"Spit it out," I said, smirking, watching him get flustered. He was nervous. Must've been my outburst out Leo. They didn't hear how it ended.

"Well, aside from that little bout with Leo, you seem a little more... uh..." Mike said, then paused, looking for the right word.

"Emotional?" I supplied him.

He debated it a moment. "It was one of my choices."

I sat up. "Calm? Level-headed?" Beat. "Nah, those don't sound right." I grinned.

"I'm sorry, Raph," Mike said, after another brief pause.

That apology, I knew, was for the loss of my friend. "Thanks, Mikey," I accepted.

* * *

     Daddy waited up
     In the kitchen by himself
     I came stumblin' in that night
     With liquor on my breath

Around 2am, I finally returned to the lair, drunk as all hell. I knew Sensei was ill and it tore me up... but the alcohol dulled the pain. I staggered my way into the kitchen with every intention of making coffee and passing out in my room. Imagine my surprise when I found Splinter at the table... er, he found me stumbling in--again.

"Raphael," he said, calmly, but even drunk I could see the disappointment in his eyes.

"Sensei," I slurred. He motioned for me to sit, so I did. He got up, poured a cup of tea, and brought it over to me. I stared into it at first. It ain't coffee, that was for damn sure.

     He said, "Son, I know you live here,
     But this is still my home.
     It's my way or the highway..."
     So, I said, "Alright, I'm gone."

"My son, why do you choose to do this to yourself?" Splinter asked. I shrugged in reply. "Raphael, this is a trying time for all of us." He paused and a coughing fit overtook him. I looked up, waiting for it to pass and for him to continue the lecture. He became composed once again, but spoke in a weaker voice. "I do not have much time left. I ask you to fill one request: Please stop this foolishness, Raphael. I am afraid once I am gone, you and your brothers will be torn apart..."

I laughed sardonically, interrupting him. Splinter looked at me, concerned. "Ya think my drinkin's gonna tear us apart?" I laughed again. "Well, hell, then it won't really matter when yer gone, then, huh?"

"I know you are not in your right mind, Raphael, but I still do not appreciate being spoken to without respect," Sensei said.

And before I slammed that door, I said, "I hate you."
He just shook his head and said, "Okay."

"I don't need ta listen to this," I said, standing abruptly, knocking my chair over. I left the kitchen, heading for my subway car, then slammed my door closed.

     "...But you can't stop my love for you.
     It'll be here, that's a given,
     As long as I am livin' on this earth,
     One thing is true.
     You can turn away, forget me,
     Curse my name, but love won't let me let you go.
     Son, always know... my love is unconditional."

There was a knock at my door. "Raphael, please open this door," Splinter said, as forcefully as he could, before coughing again.

"Why the hell should I?" I yelled. "All yer gonna do is continue the lecture an' punish me. I ain't a kid anymore, dammit! Jus' leave me the fuck alone!"

Splinter sighed, then turned and walked away from the door quietly.

* * *

I bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. 'The hell? Haven't had that dream in... years,' I thought. "Shit." I got up, deciding it wasn't a good idea to try and go back to sleep with *that* memory lingering around in my head induing real life nightmares. I opened the door a little first, making sure that there wasn't anyone in the hall. 'Why should there be? It's 2am.' I groaned at the coincidence, then headed downstairs and to the kitchen. 'How ironic.'

I stopped dead in the doorway, seeing Leo at the table. He looked up, but didn't say anything, just looked at me. "Couldn't sleep?" I asked, leaving out the "either" I wanted to throw in there.

Leo shrugged. "Just felt like getting some tea." He motioned to his mug.

The irony of this whole scene hit me like a ton of bricks and I sat down heavily at the table. "Well, I couldn't sleep."

"Want to talk about it?" he asked, his curiosity slight piqued.

I shook my head. "It isn't really what you think." I paused to glance at him.

I watched as the expression on his face turned to one of sympathy. He understood. "Splinter," he said, quietly.

"It was a dream I haven't had in years. Like a memory that won't leave me alond... because it is a memory." I paused, feeling those protective walls faultering again, then said carefully, "A little over a week before Sensei died." I looked at him. "I suppose you remember how I'd been dealing with it."

"Drunk off your ass," he replied, flatly.

"Yeah," I said, smirking slightly. "There was one night when I came in, Sensei was in the kitchen. I don't know if he'd just been in there or if he'd been waiting for me." I let out a shaky breath, then continued, my voice beginning to crack, "I didn't have any sense about me and said some things to him I never got to take back. If I hadn't been so damn stubborn..."

Leo rested a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure he knew you didn't really mean it. Is this why you took his passing so hard, then left?"

I looked Leo in the eyes (in a sort of cyclops manner). "I felt so guilty about it. Everything around me reminded me of that night. I thought I'd go crazy if I didn't get out of there." Beat. "And I had to leave in the middle of the night. There'd been no way I could've let myself leave at any other time... I wouldn't have been able to with you guys around."

"You could have left us a note," Leo said, sincerity tinging his voice.

"Guess I could've, but at that point I didn't really know what I was gonna do or where I'd end up. I just kinda... kept moving farther away. Hitching rides in storage cars of trains, mostly, a few truck beds here and there. Made it all the way to Lousiana. Then it wasn't too long that I met Addy..." I paused, then smiled sadly at the memory.

"You didn't tell us how you met her," Leo said.

"I didn't?" I asked, genuinely surprised that I hadn't. I really got sidetracked by everyone asking about my eye. I thought about the meeting for a moment. It had a bad side to it, also, but it really hadn't turned out that bad. "I'll have to remember to tell the others tomorrow, but I'll tell you part of it now."

"If you don't mind," Leo said. "It's up to you."

"I'll start it, anyway..." I said.

Flashback...

"Hunters! Shit!" I cried out, diving for cover... er, diving into the water. I stayed under a few minutes, then surfaced, spitting out water. "Close one." I heaved a sigh. This was going to take some getting used to.

My thoughts were broken when I thought I heard a noise. I turned and looked all around, but found nothing. I started for the edge of the swamp and was suddenly smacked hard on my side, sending me careening into the rocks. 'Damn gator...' I thought, then blacked out.

"Such an amazing creature."

A voice? Well, I don't think it was in my head.

"Come on, wake up. Please?" the voice urged. Sounded friendly enough.

My eyes cracked open and I found a young woman smiling down at me. I groaned, but she kept smiling.

"That's a pretty nasty injury to your head. A decent size bump and several cuts, scratches, and bruises," she explained.

"Man..." I moaned.

"You can talk," she stated, still smiling. "Do you have a name?"

I stared at her blankly. Name...? "Ugh... I can't remember."

Her smile fell a little. "That, unfortunately, usually comes with a head injury. Memory loss, that is. Do you remember what happened to you? I found you washed up on the shore of the swamp hidden back in the hills."

Even though my head was swimming, I managed to grasp everything she said. "No, I don't, I... can't seem to remember anything." Beat. "What's your name?"

"Adalida. My friends call me Addy," she answered, her smile becoming full again. "Now, you need a name... atleast a temporary one until your memory comes back because I'm afraid I'm not very good at guessing a name without any clues."

"S'okay," I said.

"Let's see, then... what would be a good name..." she said, then tapped her left index finger to her lips. "How about something simple... um... Michael?"

The name sounded familiar enough, but I couldn't place it. "Okay." I tried to push myself up.

"Oh, be careful. You've also got atleast a mild concussion, hence the memory loss. Here, I'll help," Adalida said, then helped me sit up. "So... how is it that I'm here talking to a five foot turtle?"

"If I could remember, I'd tell you," I said, regretfully, beginning to feel a twinge of annoyance.

"That's okay. Do you remember if there are others like you?" she asked.

That also struck a chord... albeit a very small one. Still, nothing was surfacing in my brain. "I can't recall."

"Oh. Well, in that case, are you hungry?" she asked.

"I'm starvin', despite the dizziness," I said, giving her a small smile.

"I'll get you something to eat and something for the dizziness..." Adalida said, standing.

"Adalida?" I asked.

She turned. "Addy," she corrected.

"Thank you, Addy," I said.

"You're quite welcome, Michael," Addy returned, with a smile.

Present...

"Wow," leo said.

I yawned. "Ya mind if I save the rest for tomorrow? I gotta retell whatever I tell you to the others anyway."

"No, that's fine. Try and get some sleep," he urged.

I stretched and yawned again. "An' prob'ly be plagued by that damn dream again."

"Well, I think maybe I'll try and catch up on some lost sleep, then, myself," Leo said, standing. "Good to have you back, Raph, even if for a little while." He clapped my shoulder as he walked by.

I yawned again. "Thanks, Leo, appreciate that." He left the room as I finished. Maybe I will try for some more *yawn* sleep. Slowly, I lowered my head to the table, resting it against my arms, and waited for the sleep to wash over me.

* * *

     Life is like a circle
     Slowly turning on itself
     And, girl, it took losing you
     To finally know how daddy felt

"I killed her."

     We stood in this bedroom
     A year ago today
     Hanging on the pride and anger
     As we threw our love away

"Raphael, please don't go."

And before you slammed that door, you said, "I hate you."
But tonight if you could hear me say...

My reflection. Shit. That damn gator. I *am* a freak.

     "You can't stop my love for you.
     it will be here, that's a given,
     As long as I am living on this earth,
     One thing is true.
     You can turn away, forget me,
     Curse my name, but love won't let me let you go.
     Girl, always know... my love is unconditional."

I loved you, Addy, I swear I did... I still do.

* * *

Michelangelo strolled towards the kitchen to start breakfast, but he stopped in the doorway and frowned. "Awe, man." He walked over to the table and sat down, placing a hand on my shell. "Raph? You awake?"

I turned my head to look at him. His eyes went wide.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned, removing his hand slowly.

I sniffed a little, picking my head up, then wiped away the lone tear streaming down the side of my face. "'Nother dream."

"Huh?" Mike gave me a confused look.

Told Leo about the first dream. "I didn't get much sleep. I seem to be attractin' bad dreams... or bad memories... both, really," I explained, then sighed and yawned.

"Well, if you wanna try and sleep in some, I'll have lunch ready about noon," Mike offered.

I gave him a small smile. "Think maybe I'll take ya up on that. Jus' let the others know I'll be around, okay, Mikey."

"Sure, bro," he said, then clapped my right arm as he got up. he began milling about as I stood.

I got to the doorway and stopped. "Mikey?"

He turned. "Yeah?"

I shifted a little. "Thanks for callin' the reunion," I said, then turned for the stairs. I was almost to my room, when Leo came out of his room.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Get more sleep. Had another round of bad memories to disturb my sleep," I explained, yawned, then added, "Told Mikey already."

"Be around for lunch?" Leo asked.

"Yeah," I replied, then went into my room.

Don stepped out of his room. "What's with him?"

Leo sighed. "You'll find out soon enough, Donnie."

That afternoon, I called a town meeting in the living room. A'right, so there's only seven of us. I'd just rehashed what I'd told Leo in the middle of the night.

"She named you 'Michael'?!" Mike exclaimed, overjoyed.

I rolled my eye. "I knew I should changed it."

"So, when did you finally start remembering everything?" Don asked.

"That took a while, since I didn't exactly have much to remind me of you guys," I said, then added, "took about two months." I paused and smiled. "All it took was a Renaissance book."

"Well, whaddaya know," Casey said.

I ignored him. "Can I keep goin' now?"

Flashback...

"What're ya lookin' at?" I asked, leaning over her shoulder.

"Working on a paper for my Art & Society class. It's on the Renaissance," Adalida explained.

"Could I look at that book?" I asked.

"Sure, I need to take a little break anyway," she said, then got up and went into the kitchen.

I sat in her chair and began flipping through the book. On one page, I spotted the name Donatello. I looked up from the book. The name sounded familiar. I flipped a few more pages and Leonardo da Vinci caught my attention. Flipping a few more pages, I saw Michelangelo. I looked up again, realizing that 'Michael' didn't sound right anymore. I turned some more pages and my eyes finally landed on it. I stared at the page wide-eyed. "Addy!"

She came running in. "What is it? Something wrong?"

"Your book," I said, finally comprehending everything. I smiled at her and held up the book, pointing to the name. "Raphael."

"Well, what do you know," Addy said, smiling.

"I remembered. An' my brothers and..." I stopped, the excitement of remember who I was quickly depleting, "...our Sensei's... father's death about four months ago." I closed the book, placing it back on the table, and looked down at it. It was somewhat similar to the book Splinter had used to name us... A choked sob escaped from me.

Adalida came over and sat on the arm of the chair and put her right arm around my shoulders. "Raphael," she said, "don't hold back your emotions. Not for me, please."

At that moment, that was all I needed, the flood gates flew open, and I was bawlin' into her shoulder.

Present...

"Oh, Raph," April said.

"If it hadn't been for that text book of hers, I don't know how long it would've taken me to remember everything," I said, shaking my head. "She did so much for me. An' I... I... didn't do a damn thing for her!" I pounded my fist on the arm of the chair. "Not a fuckin' thing!"

I knew I shouldn't have been doing this, but watching Raphael... it's tearing me apart. I hope this will work.

I dialed zero.

"This is the operator."

"Hello. I am in search of someone's phone number. She lives in Baton Rouge, or atleast she did. I am unsure whether she's still there or not. Her name is Adalida..."

"Don't the rest of you ever have anything to say? I'm the one that keeps spillin' his guts, here. Yer makin' me wish I could brood a little," I said. "Donnie, anything from you?"

Don raised an eyeridge. "Seriously, Raph, you don't really want to hear any of my 'stories', do you?"

I debated that for a moment. "Yeah, yer right. Mikey?" I turned to him.

"Living here? Ask Leo when he comes back in here," Mike said.

"Where'd he go, anyway?" I asked.

"Right here," Leo said, coming back in the room, from behind me.

"Gah! Don't do that! Geez, Leo!" I complained, almost laughing.

"Oh, God, not Pictionary!" I said.

"Sorry, Raph, but it's my pick," Mike said.

"Hey, where the heck'd Leo go to anyway? He's been gone a couple hours now," I asked.

Don shrugged. "He didn't say he was leaving."

"Oh, great. First, we got Raph all emotional on us and now Leo's brooding," Mike said, then grabbed my shoulders. "What'd you do with Leo?!" He laughed.

"Don't make me teach ya how to swallow a sai, Mikey," I said, then grinned.

Mike let go of me. "Heh. You're definitely Raph."

Suddenly, the front door closed. "'Bout time, Leo!" I called. "Where ya--" I stopped dead when Leo came in the room, accompanied by... "Adalida?" This had to be a dream, another nightmare. I'll wake up screaming any minute.

She smiled. "You do remember me, Raphael."

Leo must have understood the look on my face. "It's really her, Raph. I found her," Leo said, smiling.

Before I even registered standing, I was across the room, picking her up in a hug.

Don waved Leo over. "That's really her?" Leo nodded. "How'd you find her?"

Leo shrugged. "I called information."

Mike clapped his shoulder. "You, my brother, are awesome."

I finally let Addy go. "I thought that you were--" I couldn't finish.

"Dead?" Adalida finished for me. "No, but I had a rather lovely concussion."

"So, you're not mad at me?" I asked.

She smiled again. "Not a bit. You weren't in your right mind. Matter of fact, I think you were in shock." She raised a hand to my face, next to the patch. "Red looks good on you."

"Maybe that's why he's blushing!" Mike called out.

We turned and found everyone watching us. "Are you going to introduce me, Raphael?" she asked.

"Oh, right!" I said, then paused. "First, though, Leo," I nodded, "thanks."

"You've got a great family and friends, Raphael. How could you leave them?" Adalida asked, sitting at the foot of my bed.

I laid, sprawled, staring at the ceiling. I shrugged. "Circumstances at the time." I sat up. "It was just a really bad time for us, and I just couldn't handle it, so I ran away from it."

"Are you going to stay here?" she asked, surprising me.

"No, I wasn't--" I was suddenly cut off by Addy scooting across the bed and giving me a kiss on the beak. "Wha- What was that for?"

"Would you stay if I stayed?" Adalida asked.

My jaw dropped. This was all so overwhelming. "Uh... yeah," I finally managed.

"Then we're staying," she said, then sat back a little. "Raphael, I have to tell you, I tried looking for you, especially back at the swamp. Where had you gone?"

"I was there... sometimes... and usually ended up wrestling the gators," I said, watching her frown at the mention of gators. "Anyway, I'd found a better hiding place to live and that's where I stayed. I thought I'd killed you, Addy. I felt so guilty about it, I had to get away... but I just couldn't leave."

"So much guilt you had. I wish I'd been able to find you long ago, but I'm so glad your brother found and brought me here," Adalida said.

I motioned for her to sit next to me, against the headboard, and I wrapped my right arm around her shoulders. "I'm glad, too."

I woke with a start. I lifted my head from the pillow and looked down next to the bed. Raphael was sitting up and breathing heavily. "Bad dream?" I asked.

He looked at me and frowned. "Sorry I woke ya." He paused. "Yeah, another one."

"Another?" I questioned.

"Last coupla nights," he answered, "either no dreams or bad memories, actually." He paused again and leaned against the wall. "What the hell's happened to me?"

I sat up. "What are you talking about?"

"Yesterday, before you arrived, Mike said I'm all emotional. These dreams..." Raphael said, then sighed. "I was always the loner, the one that would go off and brood, the one who acted first and maybe thought later. I'm not sappy or overly emotional. I've hardly even cried. I'm not big on alot of talk." He paused. "But all I've been doing since I got here, these last few days, is be the complete opposite of what I was ten years ago and..."

"But ten years is a good amount of time," I said, interrupting him. "We all tend to change over time. I think it would be safe to say that if someone had told you fifteen years ago that five years later you'd be headed towards Baton Rouge--"

"I'd've laughed in their face," Raphael finished. "Then Splinter was ill and died. That changed everything. It changed us. It changed me."

"Those are the things your dreams have been about, right?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, quietly.

I moved off the bed and onto the floor next to him, then wrapped an arm around his shoulders. I wished I could think of something more to say, but the words wouldn't come. I looked him in the face again and saw a single tear rolling down his face. I wiped it away with my free hand, then he look up at me. I could tell there was so much he wanted to say. There were memories and such that I knew I'd get out of him in time. I could read so much in his one eye than I could anyone with two eyes. There was just so much emotion tucked away...

*knock, knock*

"Raph?" Beat. "Adalida?" Beat. "It's too quiet in there! Wakey, wakey, breakfast call!"

My eye blinked open. "Go 'way, Mikey," I mumbled, shifting slightly against the wall. I looked to my right and found Addy still asleep, leaning on me. I smiled. It wasn't a dream... but maybe a dream come true. I had the sudden feeling of not wanting to let her go. "Addy?" I asked, quietly.

Her eyes opened little and she looked up at me, sleepily. "Morning already?"

"Yeah. You just slept through Mike's wake up call," I said. "You're a sound sleeper."

"Oh," she said, not really hearing what I'd said. She yawned and stretched, leaning against me a little more. "Ooh, this floor is hard..."

"Well, maybe we could share the bed instead of the floor tonight," I suggested, then instantly regretted it, realizing how it sounded. "Uh, I didn't mean it like that."

Adalida smiled at me. "I know what you really meant, Raphael, and it would definitely be more comfortable than this." She stretched again.

"Mike, stop poundin' on the door!"

I smirked. "As usual, Mikey's makin' his mornin' rounds. Guess Donnie's not a mornin' turtle anymore." There was another knock at our door. "We're comin', Mike, we're comin'," I called out, then stood and offered a hand to Addy and helped her up. We left the room so Addy could get breakfast... and I could wring Mike's neck.

I watched Mike come in the kitchen first, then saw Raph and Addy. I still couldn't get over that he was actually here, nor the stories he'd told us, especially the one about him running out on Adalida. He'd been disoriented, scared. I would've ran, too.

"That smells good, Michelangelo," Adalida said, standing next to Mike.

He smiled. "Thanks, and you can call me Mike."

"Mike," she repeated, smiling.

"Watch out for him, Addy. Ya compliment his food and the next time he makes a new dish, he'll try it out on you first," Raph said, then gave Mike a smirk.

I smiled and continued with my breakfast.

"Jus' what are you smiling at, Donnie?"

I looked up and met Raph's gaze, which is definitely something to get used to. "Just that we're all here... and not arguing or fighting."

"I'll second that," Leo said, entering the room.

"Mornin, Leo," Raph greeted.

This is definitely something to get used to.

"Morning, Raph," Leo replied. "Hey, Don? Is he giving you a hard time?"

"Nope," I answered.

"And now, for everyone who was lazier than me and Donnie, breakfast is served," Mike said, placing a large plate of scrambled eggs on the table, along side a pile of toast and assorted fruit.

"Lazy?" Raph asked. "Mikey, I've always been that way. But last I remember, you weren't exactly a mornin' turtle."

"Yeah, living on a farm'll do that to ya," Mike replied with a shrug. "Now, where's the rest of our little group?"

I finished up my plate. "Hang on, Mikey, I'll do the next round of wake up calls..." I went to get up, then saw Shadow, April, and Casey trudge in. "Never mind."

Casey stopped while the ladies grabbed plates. "Wow. Breakfast without a brawl. Whatta concept!"

"Ya lookin' for a brawl, Casey?" Raph asked.

I looked over and saw an evil glint in his eye and a smirk forming. 'Oh no...'

"Casey, just grab some breakfast and sit," Leo said.

Casey muttered something, which earned him an elbow from April, then grabbed a plate.

Raph sat back in his chair, still smirking, while eyeing everyone.

Suddenly, I got an idea. Why didn't I think of it before? "Hey, Raph, can I talk to you a minute in the living room?"

He gave me a questioning look, then shrugged. "Sure." We got up and went into the other room, away from everyone else. "What's up, Donnie?"

"Well, I was thinking..." I began, and Raph smirked. "Anyway, I wanted to ask about your eye..."

"Donnie, I really don't..." he started.

I shook my head. "No, no. What I meant was, lately, I've been working on a new experiment involving eyes. I just thought maybe..."

Raph laughed a little. "I hope it's a big experiment, Don, cuz there really ain't much to work with, but if ya really wanna have a look for yourself, be my guest." He pulled off the bandanna and sat down. "Now, jus' don't go and get nauseaus, Donnie."

"Enough talk, big mouth, and let me look," I chided.

"It's your breakfast," he said, then pulled off the patch.

My eyes went wide. "Wow..."

"I told ya, but ya didn't listen, didja?" Raph said.

"Yes, you did," I said, then pulled out a small flashlight from my belt.

"Feeling brave, huh?" he asked, smirking.

"Just tell me if you can see the light at all," I said, then switched the light on to take a better look.

"Ya know, I threatened Mikey with it," Raph said.

"Mike would probably pass out," I commented. "See any light?"

"Only getting a very dark gray," he replied. "Is that good or bad?"

"Well, good in that everything's not totally black. Bad in that gator really got you good," I said, then paused. "So, Adalida really patched this up for you?'

"Yeah, at the time she was studying to be a nurse, but she got away from it. She'd said after she finished cleaning it up she almost passed out," Raph explained.

I switched off the light. "I'll take a look through my paper work and see what I've got." Beat. "Oh, uh, if you don't mind going along with this, that is."

"Do I mind? Hell, no, Donnie, I don't mind," he said, replacing the patch.

"Then that leads me to another question," I said, then watched him replace the bandanna. "How long are you planning on hanging around?"

"Indefinitely. Addy's gonna stay, too," Raph said.

"That's great," I said, as we started for the kitchen.

"Hey, Donnie, do me jus' one little thing. Don't mention this to the others, okay?" he said.

I stopped. "Why not?"

"I wanna make sure whatever you do works first," Raph said, then smirked.

There's been something really odd going on the last few days. I haven't seen much of Raph and Don. It's weird because those two never really conversed much. I'd tried asking Adalida if she knew anything and didn't get far. Tried asking Mike, too. He just said I'm paranoid and I told him that was beside the point. Speaks of the devils, though, they just entered the living room.

"You two are up to something. Care to share?" I said.

"Better round everyone up, Donnie," Raph told him. Don smirked and headed off.

Withins minutes, I'm still confused, and our whole group was once again gathered in the living room. Of course, I wasn't awfully surprised to hear Casey muttering under his breath.

"A'right, a'right. I know yer all gettin' pretty sick of this town meeting crap, but I gotta thank Don," Raph began.

I glanced at Don and saw him smiling. Oh-kay.

Raph continued, "Cuz thanks to him..." He paused and pulled off the bandanna.

"Nooo!" Mike cried out, shielding his eyes.

"Mikey," I said, then he gave me a pleading look. I rolled my eyes.

"Anyway, I was kinda doing somethin' here," Raph said, then pulled off the patch...

Adalida stood. "How...?"

Don shrugged. "Just some experiments involving eyes, nothing much. I'd checked it out and after some searching through papers and other sources, I found there was something I could work with." He paused, watching Adalida walk over to Raph. "Not bad, huh? Kinda like laser surgery."

"Don-san!" Mike said, loudly.

"Yeah, well, it ain't perfect, but..." Raph started, smirking.

"...But contacts aren't that bad," Don finished, grinning.

"I don't know about tomorrow."

Addy turned to look at me. "You'll be fine."

I sighed. "I wanna believe that, but tomorrow it'll be ten years." I paused and let out a shaky breath. "I still haven't even gotten rid of the guilt."

She propped herself up on one elbow. "I find it amazing that you can overcome something so major an nearly losing an eye, then going through a surgery to have it fixed, and being injured numerous times before, yet you can't heal from this."

That felt like a punch to my plastron; it was so true. "Addy, I'm not good with emotions. I'm better with actions and... apparently, that's been bawlin’ like an idiot lately!"

Adalida gave me a wide-eyed look. I'd said that last part alot louder than I'd meant.

I dropped my head, removing my eyes from her gaze. "I'm sorry. Didn't meant to snap atcha... I'm jus'... not doing too well with this situation."

"Have you tried meditating?" she suggested. I looked up abruptly to give her a questioning look. "Well, it couldn't hurt, could it?"

"I don't have the strength for it," I admitted, and it was true, too. I was emotionally drained from having years of suppressed feelings come out nearly all at once. Truthfully, I'm surprised I didn't have a nervous breakdown, or something to that effect. "I jus' need some rest."

Adalida didn't say anything more. She just watched me. Actually, I'm pretty sure she was watching my eyes, especially the, eh, 'enhanced' one. I wanted to close my eyes and get out from her scrutiny, but her gaze was warm, inviting. She wanted me to say more, but I really had nothing more to say... or atleast not at the moment. Seeing that I wasn't gonna talk anymore, she lowered herself off her elbow and stretched an arm across my plastron. Feeling her warnth, I let out a sigh, and finally closed my eyes.

* * *

"Raphael."

That voice. It couldn't be, but I felt the presence. I turned, then looked down slightly at Splinter. Looking into his eyes, I realized I couldn't stand any longer and to my knees. I looked at the ground and squeezed my eyes shut. This couldn't be happening...

"My son," Splinter said, then placed a furry hand on my shoulder, "please look at me."

I let out a shaky breath and looked up. "Sensei..."

"Raphael, I am sorry for the guilt you feel and have felt these last ten years. I am sorry I was never able to speak with you after that night. I knew then and still know that you had not meant what you said. However, in a way, despite the guilt, you have managed to better yourself, my son. I am proud of you. I was always proud of you, Raphael. I forgive you, but do you forgive me?"

* * *

I watched him as he slept. He hadn't woken up once and seemed to be alot more peaceful, yet I couldn't helpt but wonder when I saw a few tears slip down his face. I knew it was another dream, but it certainly seemed to be better than the last few he'd had.

I gently wiped away the tears. It was just after 3am, and I knew I should get back to sleep, but watching Raphael as he slept... I found it very comforting and that I couldn't stop watching him.

"Addy?"

"Mm."

"Adalida?"

"Hm."

"Pretty little Cajun queen?"

My eyes popped open at that and was met with Raphael smiling at me. "Thought you didn't like country music."

He shrugged. "Eh, livin' in Louisiana'll do that to ya. Some of it's okay."

I returned the smile. "And to think I had a song named after me." I paused. "What did you dream about last night?'

Raphael's brow lowered. "Whaddaya mean?"

"I woke up in the middle of the night and saw tears. I got curious," I said.

He sat up and I followed suit. "I... 'spoke'... with Splinter." My eyes widened, and he continued, "He forgave me and asked me to forgive him. I can understand his forgiving me, but I haven't got a clue why he wants me to forgive him."

I smiled again. "You said yesterday that you're going to say something at his gravesite."

"Yeah?" he questioned.

I sighed. "Make sure you mention that you know he's forgiven you and that it's okay that he isn't still here."

"Hm. But he told me he knew I hadn't meant what I said," Raphael said.

"Think about the circumstances surrounding that night," I said, then got up. He watched me with a somewhat bewildered look. "Did you ever tell him you loved him?"

The look on his face fell. I really struck a chord with that. I picked up some fresh clothes and some personal items and headed out the door for the bathroom.

I could hear footsteps overhead. I paused momentarily to remember which room was above the kitchen: Raph & Adalida's. I made a small face at the thought. Of the four of us, Raph got the girl first? And considering one of the things he told us earlier... I went back to making breakfast. I really didn't want to be thinking about them being in the same room.

Moments later, I heard footsteps from someone coming in the kitchen. I turned, expecting Adalida, but found Raph at the table. "You're up early." I grinned, remembering the "morning turtle" comment.

He nodded, acknowledging that he'd atleast heard me, but made no attempt at replying.

My grin dropped. "Hungry?" I asked, trying again.

Again, Raph didn't answer, and I suddenly got the feeling maybe he hadn't changed as much as... "Was I really as awful to Splinter as I think I was?" he asked.

I blinked. Well, he completely caught me off-guard with that one. I briefly thought he was just joking, but the look he gave me said he was serious. Unfortunately, I had no idea of how to answer him. "Why're you asking?"

He sighed and his serious look turned into one of defeat. "Never mind, Mikey. It ain't your problem."

Let me just say the defeated look on his face didn't match the tone of his voice, which sounded like he was irritated. Something in the back of my mind said that Raph might be returning to his old self, but I couldn't really believe that. But, I was wondering if maybe it had something to do with offering to say something at Sensei's gravesite later today. I frowned and kept tending to breakfast, dearly hoping for Adalida to be the next to join us.

"Morning, guys." Leo. He isn't who I asked for.

I looked toward the ceiling. 'Please don't set him off... please!'

"Mornin'," Raph muttered.

"Hey, Leo," I greeted, then turned slightly to see Leo sit opposite Raph. 'Oh no.'

"You're up early for a change," Leo commented.

Still watching them, I saw Raph look up at Leo and give him a plain glare.

Leo shrugged. "What?"

"Not today, Leo," Raph grumbled, then sat back and crossed his arms over his plastron.

Leo looked completely confused. "But I didn't..."

"Leo," I cut in, giving him a glass of orange juice, "the pancakes'll be ready in a minute."

"Okay, Mike," Leo said, then took a drink of the juice. He looked at Raph again, but didn't say anything.

Adalida came through the doorway next. "Morning, fellas." She sat next to Raph and gave him an odd look. "All right, what happened?"

Suddenly, I felt the need to run for cover. Why?

Leo shrugged again, but still didn't say anything.

"I don't wanna talk about it. Not now," Raph said. "Can we please just eat?"

I let out a small sigh, then stacked the pancakes on one large plate. 'Close one.' I put the first batch on the table and began to make the second for everyone else and myself. Maybe one of these days I should try sleeping in...

The morning was pretty uneventful, other than the early breakfast that Mikey told me about. Lunch went well, although that was mainly because Raph hadn't said anything the whole time. He did glance at me a few times. Now, I'm wondering if he's really mad at me for making him come here or not...

"What's up, kiddo?" Raph asked, sitting next to me on the grass.

I looked ahead to see the others and dad still sparring. "Not much." I paused and decided I'd feel better if I just asked him. "You aren't pissed at me for dragging you here, are you?"

He sighed. "Considerin' that I really didn't wanna come... I ain't mad atcha, I never was. Mattera fact, if ya hadn't dragged me along, then I would've never found Addy again... well, Leo would've never found her for me." He paused. "Why the hell'd he do that, anyway? I've never been nothin' but a pain in the ass to him..."

I put a hand on his arm. "Raph... you're rambling. You've hardly said a word all day and now you won't shut up. What's wrong? I mean, you should be happy that Adalida's here."

"I am happy she's here, Shadow. The problem is, well, this whole reason behind you draggin' me here. Why Mike and Donnie got together on this...." Raph said.

"You're still not at peace with Splinter," I said, becoming painfully aware that apparently he'd never resolved any problems with their father.

"No," he answered, simply. "Now, I'm gonna say something for him in a few hours." He paused, then said, quieter, "Dammit, Shadow, what'm I gonna do?"

I knew I didn't know the whole story, but I felt I knew enough from what I'd gotten from the others. "Don't prepare. Just speak from the heart." I moved my hand from his arm and thumped the upper left side of his plastron. "I know it's in there, Raphael. You can do this."

His gaze stayed on the ground, letting what I said soak in, then he looked at me and smiled. "Thanks, Shadow." He ruffled my hair, then got up and rejoined the others.

The four of us stood around the inconspicuously marked grave of our Sensei... our father. I moved my gaze around the others, hoping they weren't waiting too impatiently for me to begin. I just wasn't sure where my emotions stood, and considering my entire life until I had left ten years ago, the others probably didn't think I had emotions... or atleast strong one. But Splinter's death had hit me hard, especially since I had never apologized to him for being a huge pain in the ass. A part of me has always said I never needed to apologize because he knew... I loved him and respected him, even though it didn't show most of the time. But I still feel guilty.

Why, though? Damned if I really know. Probably, truly because I'd never said "I'm sorry" to him. And after that night, just days before... I shouldn't have been out getting drunk off my ass, I should've been watching over him, protecting him like he did us. But no, I had to be selfish. I had to act like there was nothing wrong. I had to be me.

My gaze met Leo's. I wondered how long he'd been watching me. I'll say one thing for the guy: he's mellowed from the 'perfect son, I'm in charge' Leo that I knew ten years ago. I knew Sensei's death had really gotten to him... it really got to all of us: Leo because they were so close, Mike because of his strong emotions, Don because of the encouragement that some day he'd attempt an experiment that wouldn't blow up the lair, and me because... kinda like Mike, he understood me.

I blinked. While Leo's gaze remained fixed on me, his eyes gave off a saddened look. Then he nodded slightly. I've always wondered if Leo was truly a telepath...

I took a deep breath and stepped forward, slowly releasing it. I stopped out just far enough to make it so my back was turned to them, and I just stopped. I could feel my heart beginning to thud and my throat felt dry. Moments ago, I was pretty sure I could do this, now it feels like my legs are ready to give out on me.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder. I turned my head to the right and found Leo next to me.

"Take your time," he said, quietly, but in a slightly cracked voice. He wasn't keeping it together very well, either. I nodded my thanks, and he stepped back again.

I just needed to concentrate on my breathing for a few moments.

Poor Raph. He's been standing there for about twenty minutes now. I really couldn't stand seeing him like that: vulerable. I didn't know why he offered to say something. Mike and I had only planned a get together that involved simply visiting the gravesite. Of course, we hadn't exactly planned on Raphael making an appearance.

Watching his back, I got an idea. I looked at Leo and Mike to get their attention and nodded my head in the direction of the farmhouse. They got the idea immediately and we headed back, leaving Raph to do whatever he felt he had to.

I can't do this. God... why can't I do this? This wasn't fair. I want him to still be alive. I want to tell him face to face. I don't want to do it like this.

Suddenly, I heard a clap of thunder. I looked back and found I was alone. "Where the hell...?" The guys left me out here!

It started raining and I looked up. The rain felt good, almost refreshing. I wanted to leave, though, and just go inside and dry off. I turned back to face the grave again. I stared at it.

It had to be the rain. I fell to my knees, crying. It just wasn't fair. "Master..." I sniffed, then continued, my voice cracking, "I'm sorry, Sensei. I really am. God, I don't know how you put up with me. I was a real ass. But, I'm tryin' to be better. Lookit, I'm cryin' here." I looked down and ran a hand over my face. "I realized it too late, Sensei. I never made my apologies. I was too damn proud. Now, it's too late. You're gone..." A sob escaped my lips, then I looked up at the sky, letting the rain mix with the tears. "Why?" It came out barely a whisper. I dropped my head into my hands and let the tears fall.

"Man, we've got a real storm on our hands, here," Mike said, looking out a front window.

I came up next to him. "And you guys left Raphael alone out there?!"

Mike looked at me. "Yeah, but..."

"Someone should go get him!" I said, then looked around at everyone. No one moved. "Fine, I'll do it." I grabbed my coat and one for him, went into the kitchen, and left out the backdoor.

I stopped on the porch, finding Raphael sitting, huddled in the corner. He looked at me, but said nothing. I moved closer and sat next to him. Still he said nothing, just sniffed every few seconds.

I closed my eyes momentarily. He'd been crying. I put his coat around him, and he looked at me again, with a small smile. I returned it and leaned against him. Seconds later, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I closed my eyes again and listened to his ragged breathing. I knew he didn’t want the others to see him like this, so I figured maybe I should just make myself comfortable. We're probably going to be out here for a while.

I woke up a while later and looked at my watch. It'd been over two hours since I came out, and it was completely dark now. The rain had stopped, thankfully. I listened carefully and was met with silent breathing from Raphael. He'd finally fallen asleep, too. I closed my eyes again, not wanting to wake him.

Then I felt him shift. I looked up at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," he replied, quietly. His eyes were red and his voice cracked. He just looked so drained. "Maybe we oughtta go in."

"Okay," I agreed and stood, then stretched. The porch was bit made for taking a nap on. He stood and also stretched, then we went inside. We ended up finding everyone in the living room.

Raphael stopped long enough for the others to see him, then he trudged upstairs.

I went to hang up the coats, then returned to the living room. I sat on the couch, next to Mike.

He looked at me carefully. "Where was he?"

"Sitting on the porch," I answered, then stood again. "I ought to get him something warm to drink."

"There's cocoa mix on the counter," April suggested.

"Thanks," I said, then went into the kitchen. I made two mugs of cocoa and went upstairs. The door was open an inch. "Raphael?"

I watched his fingers wrap around the edge of the door, near the bottom, then he pulled it open. He was sitting on the floor, in the same spot where he'd slept.

"I made some cocoa," I said, then handed him a mug.

Taking it, he gave me a small smile. "Thanks, Addy." he sipped it. "I dunno what happened, I just..."

I rested a hand on his arm. "I don't need an explanation, but if it would make you feel better, I'll listen."

Raphael sniffed, still warming up. "I apologized... as best I could. I don't know if I covered everything or not. I screwed up so much when I was younger, if I'd kept a list, it'd prob'ly take three life times to make up for it all." He took another sip. "They didn't say anything, did they?"

"Mike only asked where you were and I said you were sitting on the porch," I said, then took a sip. "I think they understand, Raphael."

"Addy, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I said, feeling a bit nervous.

"Could you... never stop callin' me 'Raphael'? Sensei always used our full names and it reminds me of him," he said.

The feeling dropped and I smiled. "What else would I call you?"

"Well, the guys've had alot of names for me over the years," he said, then added, "most of which I wouldn't expect a wonderful woman like you to repeat." He paused, realizing what he'd said and looked down into his mug.

"You'd be surprised," I said, then grinned at his shock.

"On second thought, maybe not," Raphael said, then finished the cocoa.

I finished mine, then took his mug, and set both on the dresser. I returned to my spot on the floor next to him. "You seem to be liking the floor a little more than the bed."

He shrugged. "I think I'm getting away from them."

"You never refused when I offered you my spare room," I said.

"You never had to wake me up. I slept on the floor alot, then," Raphael confessed. "But I could probably readjust..."

I let my eyes lock on his and the realization hit me. "You really like me, don't you?"

"'Course I like ya," he said, quickly, looking away.

I turned his head so our eyes met again. "I meant, you *really* like me." I paused a beat. "You're afraid of hurting me." He nodded his head, momentarily unable to speak. "Because you thought you lost me before."

He nodded again, but found his voice this time, "I've done alot of things I regret and I already hurt you once..."

I stopped him with a short kiss, then pulled away. "Friends can share a bed."

Raphael gave me an odd look, one I hadn't seen before from him. "You take the bed, I'd better sleep down here."

Gah, what a day it'd been... and I'm still awake even though it's technically tomorrow. I just couldn't sleep, so I decided to take Mike's advice and occupy myself with bad horror flicks. In fact they're so bad, after 5 minutes I popped the thing out of the VCR and started looking for anything on TV. In all truthfulness, I should've booted up the computer and surfed the 'net.

I sighed. Maybe I will go get on the 'net, it might just help me fall asleep...

"Still up?"

I turned and found Raph coming towards the couch. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep," I paused, noting that he looked about twice as bad as I felt... atleast. "You?"

"No rest for the weary," he commented, then sat heavily next to me on the couch. He ran a hand over his face. "Why the hell'd you guys leave me out there?"

"Well, I could tell by the way you were just standing there that you weren't exactly about to start talking, especially with us there. I just remembered about what happened between you and Sensei and... I just thought you'd want some time alone," I said.

"So, it was your idea? Geez, I thought Leo did it to get back at me for something I did like 13 years ago," Raph said, then gave me a half grin that quickly fell. "It actually felt kinda good, being out there." He paused a beat. "I apologized to him, Donnie. I didn't know what else to say."

"Truthfully, Raph, I really don't think you had to say anything. He knew we loved him... that you loved him. You didn't mean what you said that night..." I said.

"I know that, I just can't figure out why I said those things, drunk or not. I'd come in on previous nights, before he got sick, just as drunk or moreso and I never said anything like that to him." He sighed. "After that, I was so afraid he was mad at me I avoided him." He dropped his head, sniffed, and raised a hand to his face. "Why can't I get a hold of myself?" He sat back looking defeated.

For all that I knew and could say, for my want to give him an answer, I couldn't. I'd thought about saying he'd kept his feelings inside for too long, but that wouldn't help anything. I did realize that I was currently finding out why he'd been sitting on the porch for atleast two hours earlier in the night. I did the one thing I could do for him and rested a hand on his shoulder.

Raph turned his head to look at me. He didn't say anything. Basically, this was all still new to him.

I took the opportunity and watched his eyes, more specifically, the one I helped fix. If I hadn't known better, I'd swear nothing had happened to it, but I did know better and seeing the emotion in it tore me apart.

He sniffed again. I noticed his eyes go unfocused; he was looking at me any longer. "Why'd you an' Mike hafta do this? I coulda found Addy without Leo. Why'd Shadow hafta find me?" He paused, his voice beginning to crack. His gaze shifted to the floor. "Why'd she hafta drag me here? Why'd I let her..." He let out a choked sob.

He wasn't questioning me. I could tell from the way he wouldn't look at me again. And he wasn't looking for answers. He was just rambling, letting his emotions finally get the best of him. He was tired, physically and emotionally. He was looking for any amount of comfort and I was it. I'm always so good with words, but right then, I couldn't think of anything. So I just sat, my hand still on his shoulder, and kept him company. I was glad I couldn't sleep.

After a few minutes, he had quieted down and I saw he'd fallen asleep sitting up. A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. Raph could probably sleep standing up and I was pretty sure he'd prove me right some day.

I sat back, just out of arms reach and leaned my head against the back of the couch. This way, I felt like I was looking after him. I think that was what he was looking for, whether he'd ever admit that or not. I closed my eyes. He had pretty much spilled his guts to me and there was no way I was going to leave him here. Within minutes, I fell asleep, too.

* * *

"Raphael."

I looked around for the owner of the voice. It was incredibly familiar, yet for some stupid reason I couldn't place it. I was about to give up on finding its owner when I felt a hand rest on my shoulder... a furry hand. I turned and found myself looking into the friendliest eyes I'd ever known. It was Splinter.

He watched me, his gaze unwavering, as I stared at him, practically in shock. This certainly wasn't the Astral Plane. He couldn't be there. But maybe I...

"My son," he said, calmly, evenly, and promptly out of my reverie and onto him.

I tried to say something, some sort of greeting in return--anything, really--but I couldn't find my voice. Instead, I dropped down heavily to my knees.

Sensei followed suit, but situated himself to the lotus position, directly in front of me and within reach. "Raphael."

I looked into his eyes once again, willing him to say whatever it was he wanted to say. I just wanted whatever this was to be over.

His first statement was a huge understatement: "You are feeling guilt over my death."

I felt like I'd just had the wind knocked out of me. My breath caught and I could feel the wetness in my eyes, threatening to spill over. I wanted to turn away so badly... but I couldn't break the gaze.

"You took my death the hardest. I knew you would. I understood your actions before I passed, despite that some were alcohol related," he continued, remaining as calm as ever.

God, I felt like I was being turned inside out. I started wondering if the pain I felt was noticeable on my face. It probably was, considering the way he kept pausing.

"I thank you, Raphael, for the words you spoke earlier tonight. I heard them and appreciate them, and even though it was quite unnecessary, I accept your apology. However, now, you must accept mine."

I don't know how, but I finally found my voice. "Your apology?" It came out incredibly choked and quiet, it didn't even sound like my voice.

"My apology for causing you so much pain."

"But it wasn't your fault!" I blurted, almost becoming hysterical. This wasn't right. It couldn't be.

"Maybe not, my son, but I still wish to apologize. Do you accept?"

I nodded. "Yes... I accept." It came out no louder than a choked whisper.

* * *

"Raph! Raph, wake up!"

I muttered something incoherently, shifting a bit.

"Get some water!"

Then I felt myself lash out.

"Here."

Something didn't want to let me go.

*splash*

My eyes popped open and I saw my brothers gathered around, looking pretty worried. I noticed Donnie holding a glass and looking the most worried.

"Dammit, Raph, you scared me half to death!" Don said, then put the glass on the table and ran both hands over his face.

I couldn't stand the looks on their faces, especially Donnie's. I leaned forward and covered my face with my hands.

"Another dream?" Leo asked, sounding more like he already knew, but still kept it as a question.

I shook my head. This time, I was pretty sure it wasn't a dream. "Wasn't a dream." I paused, trying to get my voice back. Finally, I looked up again. "I saw Splinter."

Don and Mike gave me surprised looks, while Leo gave me a small smile. I wasn't sure if that was good or not.

"What happened?" Leo asked.

Ever been completely and totally emotionally drained? That's what I was. So much so, that I couldn't even sleep. The guys had helped me to my room and Addy promptly freaked out. After recounting the vision to her and guys, I was shaking. I couldn't even sit up any longer, so I laid down and ended up staring at the ceiling, realizing there was something about the pattern to it...

"Raphael?"

I turned my head enough to see Addy come back in, holding a glass of water. I tried for some type of greeting, but all that came out was a "Hrm."

"I think I would have to classify this somewhere near a nervous breakdown," she said, but I wasn't sure why she had to tell me. "I talked with your brothers a bit more. I hope you don't mind."

"Don't mind," I said, managing a whisper. I tried to sit up--what for I'm not sure--but found I was too drained to even really move at all.

"Don't get up," Addy said, placing a hand lightly at the top of my plastron.

I was overcome with a sense of deja vu. My vision blurred a little. I closed my eyes against the wetness threatening to spill over. I didn't fight against being held down this time. I couldn't, so I let her leave her hand there. I'd never felt so vulnerable in my life. God, what had happened to me?

"Not much of a vacation for you two, huh?" I said, as more of a comment than a question.

Casey shrugged and looked at April. "Mike, we're all in on this together. It's better that we're all here," April said.

"So long as we get out of the way when Raph's feeling like his brooding, 'wreck everything and everyone in my way' self again," Casey commented, leaning back in his chair.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Casey. Look at all of us: we've all changed. The thing is, with Raph, it's more mental than anything. I think everything he's been through will have a lasting effect for the better," Don said.

"Thanks for the diagnosis, Doc Don-san," Raph said, appearing in the doorway, a slight smirk on his face. However, he looked worse for the wear: he had one hand on the doorframe and looked like he was holding himself up.

"You really shouldn't be up and about, you know," Don said.

"'Course I know that, but I could smell Mike's supper," Raph said, looking my way.

I grinned triumphantly. "I knew it'd get him!" I got up. "Take my seat and I'll getcha a plate."

Raph took my seat and looked over the others. He gave a snort, then commented, "I bet you guys're wishin' I hadn't shown."

"Why do you say that?" Don asked, as I sat the plate in front of Raph.

"The three-a you woulda had a nice quiet little remembrance and you two would had your vacation. I showed up a mess and just worse for all to see," Raph said, then took a forkful of spaghetti. "How in the hell do ya put up with me?"

"Years of training," I commented.

Don tossed me a look, then turned to Raph. "It isn't that we put up with you, Raph. We really do understand--well, for the most part--the problem you had with Sensei." He paused. "Did you know that for months after you took off, we looked for you? We looked everywhere..."

"We got to see Vermont!" I threw in, receiving another look from Donnie. I shrugged, grinning.

Raph shoveled another forkful. "Ya actually looked for me?" He raised an eyeridge at that.

"Yeah, they did. I burnt myself out after a while," Leo said, entering the kitchen.

"And they made me clean your half of our room when we got back," I said.

Raph smirked, but remained silent a moment. He sighed. "I've gotta be the biggest idiot in the world." He paused and looked at me. "Don't say it, Mikey. I wanna finish. I'm an idiot for the way I'd acted, then. I shoved everyone away cuz I couldn't handle Sensei dying. And that was only when I left. Before he even got sick... well, I had to do something for attention and it was stupid." He got up, went to the fridge, pulled out a Coke, and rejoined the table. "Obviously, I was never very good with emotions and, well, despite being a total wreck the last few days, I think I might finally have it all figured out."

"So... no more arguing and storming off when you don't get your way?" I asked, smirking.

"Mikey," Raph said, casually, "don't make me hurt you, cuz I will."

"You coulda done better," I teased, still smirking.

Raph finished his plate. "Now that I spilled my guts again, anyone seen Addy around?"

"She's out in the barn with Shadow," April answered.

I walked outside. It was a slightly cooler day, but it felt good. I headed towards the barn and paused at the door, leaning against it to listen. I couldn't hear anything so I knocked.

"It's open," Shadow called out.

I eased the door open and stepped in. "You two ain't talkin' about me here, are ya?"

Shadow and Addy exchanged glances. I could tell they were hiding smirks. Yep, they were talking about me.

"I'll take that as a yes," I said.

"Just can't keep anything from him," Shadow said, then stood. "I've gotta get something to eat." She left, giving me a pat on the arm on her way out.

"Nothing bad, since I'm sure you were wondering," Addy said.

I gave her a skeptical look. "So, what exactly were you talkin' about?"

"I asked Shadow about how you ended up here," Adalida said, then paused, "and I found out alot more about what you told me."

I sighed. "Not only did she blab, but she prob'ly also said she basically dragged me here."

"Actually, she said she 'coerced' you," she corrected.

"Same difference," I said, shrugging... well, to me it was the same.

"And I realized something," Addy began again. I gave her a questioning look when she wouldn't continue. She smirked. "I'd already met Shadow at college."

"You did?" I said, surprised. "So..."

"We both went to Southern University and we spoke several times outside of classes. We had similar interests. Then I asked about her family. Of course, she was fine talking about April and Casey, but when it came to her four Italian uncles, all she gave me were names," she paused, then smiled, "Leo, Mike, Don, and Raph. I didn't ask her anything more about you guys, mainly because I wasn't sure if should've even told her I knew you or you'd wanted her to know you were there. Matter of fact, I'd wished I hadn't even asked her. Made it harder knowing," she paused again. "But atleast since she'd told me about all that, when Leo called looking for me, I had a way of making sure he was who he said and that I'd actually found you again." She smirked.

"Wow," I breathed. Damn.

"It was kind of funny, actually, when she mentioned you guys. I mean, "Leo, Mike, and Don' are pretty popular names. If she hadn't mentioned you I wouldn't have thought twice," she paused, "after all, how many guys out there could be named 'Raph'?"

I smirked and shook my head. "You really amaze me, Addy."

Addy shrugged. "I never thought I'd run into someone who knew you. Of course, you hadn't mentioned anyone else, but your brothers and your Sensei, so it wasn't like I was looking for someone to question about you. It was just a big coincidence."

"Nice coincidence," I said, sitting next to her with a soft *thud*.

"Well, I'd remembered you had said you'd left on bad terms and didn't really want to see your brothers again, but I'd had this nagging thought. No matter what I go through, I'd want to see my family again. I figured you were the same way. I'd almost told her I had an idea of where you were, but like I said before, I didn't know if you'd wanted her to know."

I leaned my head back and looked at the barn's ceiling. "I still can't get over that you still thought about me after I hurt ya and left."

"A bump to the head," she said, sounding like it was nothing.

I gave her a skeptical look. "Concussion?"

She nodded. "Yeah... I know you didn't mean it..."

"I know, ya keep tellin' me that," I interrupted.

"But you still don't believe me, Raphael."

I dropped my head and sighed. "Fuck," I whispered, then looked at her again. "For all I knew, I'd prob'ly killer ya. I know it wasn't that bad and no I didn't mean it, but... God..."

"What's wrong?" she asked, concern washing over her face.

"Dammit," I muttered. "I did the same to you that I did to Splinter... almost the same thing. You, I can apologize to face to face for being so stupid. That's why since Leo brought you here I haven't had any dreams about when I left you there... I'm just left with the ones about mouthin' off to Splinter while I was drunk."

"But you said..."

"It wasn't the apology I really owed him. It should have been while he was still alive, not in some dream or to his grave," I said, feeling the anger building.

"You still apologized..."

"I wanted his acceptance of it... not in a damn dream!" I spat. "I've felt so damn guilty about both these things for the longest fuckin' time and now I can't get myself to realize that everythin's okay!" I paused, finishing in a whisper, "I just can't make myself remember that... shit." I paused, then warily looked at her again.

The look she gave me was sympathetic. It was actually comforting. She didn't take my outburst as against her. The problem was, she didn't reply.

So, we sat in silence. Eventually, she did put an arm around my shoulders. I heaved a mental sigh. She wasn't pissed at me.

It broke my heart to see Raphael like that. Deep down, he really did understand that everything was better... but the guilt that had built up remained and it wouldn't crumble without a fight.

I took a side-long glance at him. He was still staring at the ground. It was hard to believe that just minutes ago he'd been so angry and now... he looked so lost.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I wondered if anyone had heard his outburst. Or if anyone did, if they'd come and check. Personally, I'd rather just remain like this: sitting here, just the two of us.

Suddenly, I felt his shoulders shudder and I looked fully at him. He sniffed and ran the back of a hand over his eyes.

Yes, this was the same Raphael. The same one who'd fought gators. The same one who'd stayed together so well for so long. He'd said at one point that he'd actually made himself forget about his family... although they had remained in the back of his mind.

But I knew he'd only suppressed those memories. Now, they flooded him and his emotions were going to hell and back. He was finally dealing with them, though. Once everything was in the open, he'd feel better.

Or, atleast I hoped he would.

Raphael sighed quite audibly, and I looked at him once again. He met my gaze. "Gotta stop goin' to pieces like that." He smirked, then sniffed.

I smiled. "Because eventually you might lost track of some of those pieces."

His smirk turned into a half smile, sniffing again. "I'll remember that."

It was another few hours, we remained in the barn, talking. It had started raining outside and there was the occasional clap of thunder. I wasn't all that interested in making a mad dash to get back inside the farmhouse. Well, there were two things that threatened to change my mind: hunger and the need to use the bathroom.

"Addy?" Raphael asked, giving me an odd look.

"Huh?" I was a little too engrossed in my thoughts.

"Ya wanna go back inside?" he asked.

"Well..." I said, not sure if I really wanted (or needed) to, yet. "I am getting a bit hungry."

There was another clap of thunder--that was fairly close--and a flash of lightning.

"On second thought..." I started, but left it dangling.

"It'll be over in a while," Raphael said. "Hang on a minute." He got up and rummaged through some junk on a table. He returned with a portable radio in hand.

I took it from him. "I'll find a station."

He gave me an exaggerated pout.

I smirked, while playing with the dial. I stopped when I heard a familiar country song.

Raphael groaned. "Gah..."

"I thought you were starting to like some of these songs," I said. He shrugged. I shook my head. "Just when I think I've got you figured out."

   Showers was all my cares away
   I wake up to a sunny day
   Cuz I love a rainy night
   Yeah, I love a rainy night
   Well, I love a rainy night
   I love a rainy night

   I love a rainy night
   I love a rainy night
   I love to hear the thunder
   Watch the lightning when it lights up the sky
   You know it makes me feel good

   Well, I love a rainy night
   It's such a beautiful sight
   I love to fell the rain on my face
   Taste the rain on my lips
   In the moonlight shadow

Puts a song in this heart of mine
Puts a smile on my face everytime

   Cuz I love a rainy night
   Yeah, I love a rainy night
   Ooh, I love a rainy night
   Yeah, I love a rainy night...

I shook my head. Raining again. Another thunderstorm to boot. I sighed. Raph and Adalida still hadn't been accounted for. I swear, though, she's the best thing that's happened to him. I just can't help but hope he doesn't screw it up (again).

"Radio's saying there’s a chance of flooding tonight," Don said, stopping next to me. "Maybe we ought to go find Addy and Raph."

"Adalida will bring him in," I said, absently.

"So?"

I glanced at him. "What?"

"Penny for your thoughts," he said.

"Just thinking. Been doing alot of that since you picked me up coming here."

"Leo, you can't tell me you're still sore at me for not letting you finish hitch-hiking?"

I turned to him. "Actually, Donnie, you did let me finish. You picked me up."

"Picky," Don said, then paused. "Are they still in the barn, do you think?"

"Far as I know."

Donnie frowned. "Hmm."

"Something wrong?"

"Last I checked, the roof on the barn needed some mending that I never got around to."

"They'll be in here soon, then," I concluded, turning back to the window

Sure enough, about ten minutes later, the kitchen door was flung open and Adalida and Raph came running in, soaking wet.

"Dammit, Donnie, the barn roof was leakin'," Raph complained, grabbing the hand towel off the counter.

"I know," Don said, turning a page in his magazine.

Raph glared at him. Adalida nudged him and the two shared a look... one I hadn't seen before.

"Go dry off," Adalida said. Raph turned and left.

My surprise must have shown because she gave me a look, then smiled. "How did you do that?" I asked.

She shrugged. "He listens, Leonardo, really," she paused. "All of you really should talk--maybe together--sometime. He's really changed."

Don snorted from behind his magazine. "What's your problem, Donnie?" I asked, glaring at him.

"Nothing, really," he said, then put the magazine down. "Just that Raph's emotional now like Mikey, you've been moping and brooding around like Raph, Mikey took up my role in putting this reunion together..."

"And you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm just trying to keep us together, your old role."

Ouch. That made me wince, but Donnie was right, no matter how much it hurt. It seemed our personalities were starting to mesh. Without Sensei around, I know I've slipped quite a bit from being the "Fearless Leader" Raph always called me. Now, I either go along with the flow or on my own... usually the latter. "All right, I'll talk to him sometime."

"You could right now," Adalida suggested.

I sighed. "Fine." I got up and headed for the stairs. At the top, I turned for the room and saw the door still wide open. For a moment, I thought he hadn't gone in there.

Then he stepped out of the room and came to an abrupt halt when he saw me. "Followin' me, Leo?" he asked, a somewhat bemused look on his face.

"Adalida said we should 'talk'," I said, carefully.

He brushed past me, resuming what he was doing, heading for the bathroom. "Told me the same." He disappeared inside for a moment, then emerged with two towels. "Tried to tell her we have talked." He brushed past me again and went back into his room.

I followed, but stopped in the doorway, noting the pillows on the floor. I raised an eyeridge. "Something wrong with the bed?"

Raph came to a screeching halt, in mid-milling about. He had his back to me. Part of me wished I could see the look on his face, the other didn't.

I waited for him to say something... or move again, but he didn't. "All right, I didn't say that."

Moments later, I saw his shoulders slouch and he finally turned. His expression was unreadable... then he frowned. I think I'm losing my mind.

"I have no idea what I'm doin'," he said, somewhat absently.

"Excuse me?"

"With Addy," he supplied.

"You're okay around April and Shadow. Geez, with April you were the one that..." I started, but stopped when I saw him roll his eyes at the comparison.

"Not quite the same, Leo," he said. "Shadow's like a niece, April's a friend, or a sister. Addy... she's more."

"More?" I prodded, quickly becoming unsure if I really wanted to keep going in this direction or not.

"More," Raph replied, looking away. "Girlfriend more."

Well, I knew it. This quickly went where I thought it would. "I don't exactly have any experience in that department myself, Raph."

He sighed. "Great, then I'll be getting advice from Casey."

We shared a look, then burst out laughing.

The door across the hall opened. "Hey, ya oughtta check around first before ya talk about private matter," Casey complained. "An' I know what I'm doin'! April married me, didn't she?"

"Hey, Leo, recall someone passin' out before that ceremony?" Raph asked.

I grinned. "I do remember that." I looked at Casey, who scowled and slammed his door closed. "Was it something we said?"

I propped my feet on the railing around the porch.

"We should've brought the chairs out long ago," April commented.

"Yeah, then Raphael and I wouldn't have had to sit on the floor," I said.

She looked at me. "Addy, you cannot tell me you didn't enjoy being that close to him, can you?"

I gave her a wide-eyed look in return, then smiled. "Of course, I enjoyed it."

"Hm." April leaned back, a thoughtful look on her face.

"And just what exactly are you thinking about?" I asked.

"Ever consider a turtle for a boyfriend?" she asked, and my jaw hit the porch floor.

Shadow came out to join us. "There's nothing wrong with that, Addy. Compare any of those four to most guys..." She waggled her eyebrows.

"Shadow!" April said, nearly laughing.

"What? It isn't like they're really related to me. I just call them my uncles. Doesn't sound quite as bad as brothers..." Shadow said.

"So, I'm not crazy, then?" I said.

"Addy," Shadow began, "You've already got him. Face it." She paused. "And if you're crazy, then I'm crazy, too." She winked.

"I'll agree to that!"

Shadow turned to the door. "No fair listening, Mikey!" She jumped up and ran in after him.

April smiled. "It's nice having things back to normal."

"Yeah," I said, absently. God, what have I gotten myself into? I think I'm actually in love with a mutant turtle.

"Normal? What's that?" Raphael asked, appearing in the doorway. "Geez, nearly got run over by Mikey an' Shadow."

"I think maybe I'll go see if I can keep them from wrecking the house," April said, then winked at me. She got up and went inside.

"So... ah, did you talk to Leonardo?" I asked, then glanced over at him, in time to see him take April's vacated seat right next to me.

"Yeah," Raphael answered, simply. "You an' April were talkin', too."

"Yes," I said, then added, "is it me or did things become awkward all of a sudden?" I looked up and met his gaze.

"For me, everythin's been awkward," he said, then set his feet on the railing next to mine.

Silence settled in. It was so quiet I could hear my heart quicken its pace. It was just a matter of waiting now...

"So," Raphael began, calmly, "what exactly do ya do on a date, anyway?" He looked at me and smirked at my surprised expression.

The End... for now.

Stay tuned for the sequel/prequel fic, #2 in this series.

Feedback? Email me! lonewolfette@webtv.net