* * *

     Daddy waited up
     In the kitchen by himself
     I came stumblin' in that night
     With liquor on my breath

Around 2am, I finally returned to the lair, drunk as all hell. I knew Sensei was ill and it tore me up... but the alcohol dulled the pain. I staggered my way into the kitchen with every intention of making coffee and passing out in my room. Imagine my surprise when I found Splinter at the table... er, he found me stumbling in--again.

"Raphael," he said, calmly, but even drunk I could see the disappointment in his eyes.

"Sensei," I slurred. He motioned for me to sit, so I did. He got up, poured a cup of tea, and brought it over to me. I stared into it at first. It ain't coffee, that was for damn sure.

     He said, "Son, I know you live here,
     But this is still my home.
     It's my way or the highway..."
     So, I said, "Alright, I'm gone."

"My son, why do you choose to do this to yourself?" Splinter asked. I shrugged in reply. "Raphael, this is a trying time for all of us." He paused and a coughing fit overtook him. I looked up, waiting for it to pass and for him to continue the lecture. He became composed once again, but spoke in a weaker voice. "I do not have much time left. I ask you to fill one request: Please stop this foolishness, Raphael. I am afraid once I am gone, you and your brothers will be torn apart..."

I laughed sardonically, interrupting him. Splinter looked at me, concerned. "Ya think my drinkin's gonna tear us apart?" I laughed again. "Well, hell, then it won't really matter when yer gone, then, huh?"

"I know you are not in your right mind, Raphael, but I still do not appreciate being spoken to without respect," Sensei said.

     And before I slammed that door, I said, "I hate you."
     He just shook his head and said, "Okay."

"I don't need ta listen to this," I said, standing abruptly, knocking my chair over. I left the kitchen, heading for my subway car, then slammed my door closed.

     "...But you can't stop my love for you.
     It'll be here, that's a given,
     As long as I am livin' on this earth,
     One thing is true.
     You can turn away, forget me,
     Curse my name, but love won't let me let you go.
     Son, always know... my love is unconditional."

There was a knock at my door. "Raphael, please open this door," Splinter said, as forcefully as he could, before coughing again.

"Why the hell should I?" I yelled. "All yer gonna do is continue the lecture an' punish me. I ain't a kid anymore, dammit! Jus' leave me the fuck alone!"

Splinter sighed, then turned and walked away from the door quietly.

* * *

I bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. 'The hell? Haven't had that dream in... years,' I thought. "Shit." I got up, deciding it wasn't a good idea to try and go back to sleep with *that* memory lingering around in my head induing real life nightmares. I opened the door a little first, making sure that there wasn't anyone in the hall. 'Why should there be? It's 2am.' I groaned at the coincidence, then headed downstairs and to the kitchen. 'How ironic.'

I stopped dead in the doorway, seeing Leo at the table. He looked up, but didn't say anything, just looked at me. "Couldn't sleep?" I asked, leaving out the "either" I wanted to throw in there.

Leo shrugged. "Just felt like getting some tea." He motioned to his mug.

The irony of this whole scene hit me like a ton of bricks and I sat down heavily at the table. "Well, I couldn't sleep."

"Want to talk about it?" he asked, his curiosity slight piqued.

I shook my head. "It isn't really what you think." I paused to glance at him.

I watched as the expression on his face turned to one of sympathy. He understood. "Splinter," he said, quietly.

"It was a dream I haven't had in years. Like a memory that won't leave me alond... because it is a memory." I paused, feeling those protective walls faultering again, then said carefully, "A little over a week before Sensei died." I looked at him. "I suppose you remember how I'd been dealing with it."

"Drunk off your ass," he replied, flatly.

"Yeah," I said, smirking slightly. "There was one night when I came in, Sensei was in the kitchen. I don't know if he'd just been in there or if he'd been waiting for me." I let out a shaky breath, then continued, my voice beginning to crack, "I didn't have any sense about me and said some things to him I never got to take back. If I hadn't been so damn stubborn..."

Leo rested a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure he knew you didn't really mean it. Is this why you took his passing so hard, then left?"

I looked Leo in the eyes (in a sort of cyclops manner). "I felt so guilty about it. Everything around me reminded me of that night. I thought I'd go crazy if I didn't get out of there." Beat. "And I had to leave in the middle of the night. There'd been no way I could've let myself leave at any other time... I wouldn't have been able to with you guys around."

"You could have left us a note," Leo said, sincerity tinging his voice.

"Guess I could've, but at that point I didn't really know what I was gonna do or where I'd end up. I just kinda... kept moving farther away. Hitching rides in storage cars of trains, mostly, a few truck beds here and there. Made it all the way to Lousiana. Then it wasn't too long that I met Addy..." I paused, then smiled sadly at the memory.

"You didn't tell us how you met her," Leo said.

"I didn't?" I asked, genuinely surprised that I hadn't. I really got sidetracked by everyone asking about my eye. I thought about the meeting for a moment. It had a bad side to it, also, but it really hadn't turned out that bad. "I'll have to remember to tell the others tomorrow, but I'll tell you part of it now."

"If you don't mind," Leo said. "It's up to you."

"I'll start it, anyway..." I said.