ONE
Burbank, Ragusa house, night

Carmine (comes through the bedroom doorway)- Oh, not again. (he picks up BooBooKitty) This cat's gonna hafta learn howta swim if you don't cryin' into him.

Shirley (gets up off the bed and takes BooBooKitty)- He's my cat... I can cry into him if I wanna.

Carmine- AngelFace, it's been a week since they left.

Shirley- You don't think I know that!? I don't know, maybe we should've gone, too...

Carmine- There ain't all that much to go back to in Milwaukee, except a few friends.

Shirley- I'm sorry, Carmine. It's just wishful thinking. (she sits on the end of the bed)

Carmine (sits next to her)- Someday we will.

TWO
Milwaukee, Knapp Street, apartment A, next day, early afternoon

Laverne is sitting on the couch, watching a TV that isn't there.

Lenny (comes in)- I'm gonna getcha a TV, then you'll have som'en to watch insteada the wall.

Laverne keeps staring.

Lenny (goes over to the end of the couch)- Vernie? (nothing; he sits next to her; waving his hand in front of her face) Yoo-hoo? Anyone home?

Laverne (comes out of her trance)- Wha-? (sees Lenny) When did you get here?

Lenny- A minute ago. Why were ya starin' at the wall?

Laverne- I dunno. I was so happy to be comin' back here... We got here and now I'm just depressed. I miss Shirl.

Lenny- You knew ya would before we left.

Laverne- Yeah, but I thought Shirl and Carmine would be just a day behind us or som'en. It's been a week. I don't think they're gonna come.

Lenny (shakes his head sympathetically)- We gotta get a phone.

Laverne (glares at him)- I don't need a phone, I need my best friend! I need Shirl! Half a country is too big a distance!

Lenny- No kidding! I drove the whole way! I'm just glad we didn't see that stinkin' motel we ended up at when we first went out to california.

Laverne (starts laughing and sniffling)- Why'd ya hafta bring that up? (pause) I still can't figure out how Shirl could tell that story. The only thing true about it was her beatin' up on Squiggy.

Lenny- I'm still tryin' to figure out how ya got that plunger on my head.

Laverne (starts laughing hysterically)- It wasn't easy! (she calms down slightly) You guys really overdid what we were wearin', though.

Lenny- A little imagination... alot of wishful thinkin'. (starts laughing) It was so funny when that guy found us at Cowboy Bill's and said he was lookin' for "Lenny and Laverne Kosnowski and Andrew and Shirley Squiggmann"! Then Shirley went and spoiled it.

Laverne- It'a a good thing! Shirl told me pop didn't take that well. Then again, he also didn't take the news of us gettin' married all that well either. My pop doesn't like anything, except me and Edna, and even Edna had left for a while, there.

Lenny- How do ya think he woulda reacted to findin' out that that part Squig said about you pickin' me up was true?

Laverne (starts laughing again)- "He's mine!" (pauses for laughter) Not well, that's for sure!

There's a knock at the door.

Lenny- I'll get it. (he gets up, goes over to the door, and opens it) Yeah?

Man- Telegram for Laverne Kosnowski.

Laverne- A telegram for me?...

Lenny (fishes for some change in his pocket; pulls out 50 cents)- Here ya go.

Man- Gee, thanks. (he gives Lenny the telegram and leaves)

Lenny closes the door.

Laverne- You read it. Telegrams give me the creeps.

Lenny- So ya want me to get the creeps? (smiles at her; she makes a face) Just kiddin'.

Laverne- Read the thing, huh?

Lenny- Okay, okay. (he starts reading and his smile quickly fades)

Laverne- Som'en's wrong. (she stands up) Shirl and Carmine? (nothing) Squig? (nothing) Pop and Edna?

Lenny hands her the telegram.

Laerne reads the telegram, then crumples it and tosses it in the trash can. She goes over and sits on the couch again then starts crying uncontrollably.

Lenny goes over, sits next to her, and put his arm around her.

Laverne (through tears)- We never shoulda left!

Lenny- Ya wanna go back for a coupla days?

Laverne (sniffling)- Yeah... (pause) Why did pop hafta die?

{Author's note: I'M SORRY for the dramam, but if the series had actually gone on for another season or 2, there woulda been one of these. It'll get happier, don't worry... besides I wanted to try a little drama.}

THREE
Burbank, Ragusa house, evening

Shirley- I wish I coulda called Laverne! A telegram is so impersonal!

Carmine- It was the only way we could get word to her quickly.

The phone rings.

Carmine- I'll get it. (he goes over to the phone and picks up the receiver) Hello? (listens; to Shirley) It's Lenny.

Shirley- They got the telegram?

Carmine (listens)- Yeah. (listens) Sure, you can stay here a coupla days, no problem. (lsitens) Okay, bye. (he hangs up the receiver)

Shirley- Poor Laverne.

Carmine- Pretty obvious how she took it.

Shirley- And Lenny?

Carmine- Shirl, he was never that emotionally stable to begin with. I could tell he was sniffling.

Shirley- We should go get the guest room ready.

Carmine- Yeah. Boy, this is awful.

There's a knock at the door.

Shirley- You got the phone, I'll get the door. (she goes over to the door and opens it)

Squiggy- Hello.

Shirley- Hi.

Squiggy- Whassa matter?

Shirley- You didn't hear?

Squiggy- Hear what?

Shirley- Laverne's father died.

Squiggy- Naw... yeah?

Shirley- Yeah. I sent Laverne a telegram and Lenny just called. They're comin' back for a few days.

Squiggy- That's just rotten, ya know. Boy, I'm gonna miss 'im yellin' at me. I remember when he let me call 'im "Jay". Yw know he told me I was the son he never wanted?!

Shirley- That's... very nice... and touching. We've gotta get the guest room ready before they get here...

Squiggy- Can I help?

Shirley- I guess so, sure.

They go into the guest room to find Carmine standing in the midst of a huge mess.

Carmine- This could take a while.

Shirley- Well, we've got some help.

Squiggy- It's the most I could do.

FOUR
2 days later, Ragusa house, morning

Laverne and Lenny came the night before.

Shirley is playing with Tommy, while Laverne watches.

Shirley- He's gotten big already, lookit him!

Laverne- Yeah.

Shirley- Vernie, you've gotta snap out of this slump. It's okay to be sad, but being a lump is pathetic. I mean, I'll admit I was not happy this past week while you were in Milwaukee and I won't be happ when ya go back, but I'll get over it and you'll have to get over this... please?

Laverne- Shirl, ya don't understand. Ya know why I'm actin' like this? Because I feel responsible for my popo not being around anymore. I feel like if I hadn't left...

Shirley- Then maybe he wouldn't have died. Laverne, remember when you refused to visit your mother's grave? You said that if you'd been a better person she wouldn't have died. you're doing the same thing all over again.

Laverne (has a look of thoughtfulness)- I didn't realize that. Neither of those things hadta do with me. Awe, Shirl, you're the best! (she hugs Shirley)

Carmine (coming in the room)- Look like things have goten a little happier. (he goes over and sits next to Shirley)

Laverne- Where's Len?

Carmine- Well, see, we were sorta listenin' and what Shirley said sorta got to him... he's lookin' at that picture of his mom tryin' to put his head through the bars of the playpen.

Laerne- I remember that picture. I meant to get that away from him. Atleast this time I won't get phony flowers shot at me.

Shirley & Carmine- Huh?

Laverne- Remember, Squiggy had that magic act he was tryin' to get to work and that was one of his props. When Len came to talk to me, he brought that phony gun that shot the phony flowers. he nearly scared me half to death with that thing.

Lenny (coming in the room)- I nearly scared ya with what?

Laverne- That gun that shot flowers from Squiggy's magic act.

Lenny- I remember that. You ended up puttin' the whole thing in a vase with water. (he goes over and sits next to her)

Laverne- Yeah, I realized how silly that was, but I put it in the vase anyway. I wonder what happened to that thing.

Lenny (reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls something out)- This thing? (he clicks the trigger and the flowers pop out)

Laverne- You sneak! Ya knew what I was talkin' about the whole time!

Lenny- Yeah... I thought ya could use a little cheerin' up.

Laverne (takes the gun and flowers)- Thanks!... All of you, thanks!