ONE
outside 730 Knapp Street, late evening
Shirley and Carmine are coming home from a date. Lauren and Kristin are sitting on the stoop.
Lauren (seeing them coming)- Kristin, that's who ya haven't met yet. (she points) Shirley's boyfriend, Carmine.
Kristin- Carmine?...
Shirley and Carmine reach the steps.
Shirley- Hi, ladies. Out for a bit of fresh air?
Lauren- Yeah... it's a beautiful night. Right, Kristin? (no answer; she nudges her) Right, Kristin? (she looks at Kristin, who's staring at Carmine)
Shirley (noticing)- Kristin...
Kristin- Carmine... Ragusa?
Carmine- Kristin!
Kristin jumps up and they hug.
Shirley- Ahem!
Carmine- Shirl, you'll never believe this!
Shirley- Try me.
Carmine- Kristin's my sister!
TWO
later
Kristin and Carmine are still talking out on the stoop. Lauren got tired of not being able to get a word in, so she went inside.
Lauren is at the bottom of the stairs leading to the fourth floor. She starts going up slowly.
Lauren (thinking)- Why didn't I know she had a brother? She knew that Squiggy is my step-brother. I just can't understand it. (she reaches the top of the steps; goes over to her apartment; puts the key in the lock and turns rhe doorknob and is about to go in and close the door behind her)
Lenny- Lauren!
Lauren (cringes, then turns around)- Why do ya hafta yell like that so late?
Lenny- Because I like to... Where ya been?
Lauren- Out on the stoop.
Lenny- Ya don't look too happy. Whassa matter?
Lauren- I just found out that Kristin has a brother.
Lenny- Ya didn't know that?...
Lauren- no... my best-friend can't tell me that?...
Lenny- Squig didn't tell us about you.
Lauren- True, but I expect that from him.
Lenny- So, who's her brother?
Lauren- Carmine.
Lenny- No, really.
Lauren- Really.
Lenny- Really?
Lauren (annoyed)- Yes!
Lenny (teasing)- Now, you're bein' loud.
Lauren (going into the apartment)- Good night, Lenny. (she closes the door behind her)
THREE
Lauren & Kristin's apartment, next morning
Lauren trudges into the living room. Kristin is on the couch, asleep. Lauren goes over to the couch.
Lauren (quietly)- Kristin, wake up. (nothing; a little louder) Kristin, wake up. (nothing; loud) Kristin, wake up!
Kristin semi jumps and rolls off the couch and onto the floor.
Lauren (sarcastically)- Did Len teach ya that? (normally) What time did you come in?
Kristin- Uh... before or after I stopped to see Squig.
Lauren (cringing)- When did you finally plop on this couch?
Kristin (looking at her watch)- About four-fifteen.
Lauren- Well, aren't you just a little night owl... Why didn't ya tell me ya had a brother?
Kristin- Well, it's a long... very long story.
Lauren- Ya got a shortened version?
Kristin (getting up)- Carmine came out here after he finished eighth grade. He wanted to live on his own, but our parents didn't want him to. He snuck out one night and came out here. (she sits on the couch)
Lauren- I wonder if there're gonna be anymore little surprises like this. {Uh, most likely no, but ya never know!}
FOUR
Laverne & Shirley's apartment
Shirley had told Laverne about Carmine being Kristin's brother the night before, but Laverne still can't get over it.
Laverne- And ya think ya know a person...
Shirley- Laverne, please. I'm trying to eat breakfast here and you're disrupting me.
Laverne- Sorry. It's just such a surprise.
Shirley- We've had too many surprises since those two moved in.
Laverne- Since Lauren came.
Shirley- True, but which was the bigger surprise? Lauren and Lenny or Kristin and Squiggy?
Laverne- That's easy. Kristin and Squiggy.
Shirley- I definitely agree with you there. Okay, try this one: Kristin and Squiggy or Len asking you to marry him twice?
Laverne (giving Shirley the evil eye)- That's not fair... they're equal.
Shirley- Maybe... does Lauren know that fact, though?
Laverne- Would she care? (she pauses) Okay, Shirl, I got one for you: Kristin and Squiggy or you bein' in Squig's little black book?
Shirley screams.
Laverne- I knew I'd get 'er with that! (she laughs)
FIVE
Lauren & Kristin's apartment, afternoon
Lauren is sitting on the couch, staring at the door.
O.S. Kristin- Gimme a minute. I wanna get my skates! (she comes in the door) Have you seen my roller skates? (she starts digging in the closet)
Lauren- Nope. I take it you two have alot-a catchin' up to do.
Kristin- You better believe it! Ya know, I always thought that I was lucky to have a brother like him, but do ya know who's luckier? (she pulls out her skates)
Lauren- Who?
Kristin (putting her skates on)- Shirley. (she ties the laces) Well, gotta go. (she rolls out the door)
Lauren (half-heatedly)- Bye.
The door flies open.
Squiggy (angrily)- Hello.
Lauren- Whadya want?
Squiggy- Why don't Kristin wanna spend itme wit' me no more?
Lauren- Squig, don't speak when you're angry. I can't understand you.
Squiggy- She's brushin' you off, too!
Lauren (standing up; she goes into the kitchen)- Yeah, she is! She's my best-friend, who never told me she had a brother, and just happened to move out here where he is because I happened to come out here because you're here and... What the heck was the point I was tryin' to make!?
Squiggy looks at her, confused.
Lauren- It doesn't matter. She's snubbing me and you and it ain't fair.
Squiggy- Yeah!
Lauren- I'm gonna talk to 'er later tonight... no, wait, me and Lenny are goin' out... Squig, how about you talkin' to 'er?
Squiggy- Me? She won't listen to me...
Lauren- That's all she's done since she first saw ya out here!
Squiggy- Alright, I'll do it.
Kristin just got home from roller skating and is
taking her skates off.
Squiggy (coming in)- Kristin?
Krstin (looks up)- Hi, Squig!
Squiggy- Don't 'Hi, Squig!' me! You been snubbin' me
and Lauren since you realized your brother was
here... And why did ya just now realize that?!
Kristin- In case you're wonderin', yes, he is my
brother. (she sighs) But we had a huge fight the same
night he left. I tried to talk 'im outta leavin',
but he wouldn't listen. I knew he was here the whole
time, I just wanted to actually be here for other
reasons than to make up with him.
Squiggy (moving next to her)- Like what reasons?
Kristin- To live with my best-friend... (she looks at
Squiggy) and to be near my number one favorite guy!
(she kisses him)
Squiggy- I can live wit' that.
They sit on the couch and start making out.
Lauren- I can't believe they threw us outta the
theater!
Lenny (loudly)- Yeah! So what if we snuck up to the
balcony!...
Lauren (clamping her hand over his mouth)- Shh! Ya
wanna give the whole neighborhood a free encore?
Lenny shakes his head no.
Lauren- Good. (she takes her hand off his mouth)
They start walking again.
Lauren- I hope Squig was able to talk to Kristin. I
don't like being her thrid wheel. That makes me so
angry...
Lenny- Well, I don't like havin' an angry girlfriend.
Lauren- Oh, suckin' up now, huh? (she pauses) Keep
goin'
Kristin just told Lauren what she told Squiggy.
Lauren- So, that's why ya wanted to spend so much
time with him.
Kristin- Yeah, I just wanted to make sure things were
okay between us. I think he still remembers what
happened, but it doesn't seem to matter.
Lauren- That's good (she pauses) I hope you and Squig
didn't have too good a-time afterwards. (she
winks at her)
Krstin- Yeah, well, I kinda had a bird's-eye-view of
you and Lenny out on the stoop!... (she winks at her)
Lauren- We're even.
They shake hands. {No "stu-pid!". That's the boys'
thing.}
late evening
SEVEN
Pfister Street {everything had a Pfister name!}
EIGHT
Lauren & Kristin's apartment, late night
THE END :)~