Shelley Long
Arianna Huffington
Stephanie Miller
Julianne Malveaux
John Popper
Rod Steiger
Paul Rodriguez
Tom Arnold
Gilbert Gottfried
Michael McKean
Bill: Wow!
Hey, Happy New Year!
Audience: Happy New Year!
Bill: Oh, good acting.
[ Laughter ]
And what a -- not just a year, not just a century, it is the Millennium that has turned.
Oh, my gosh.
And haven't the centuries just flown by?
I tell you --
[ Laughter ]
It seems like just yesterday they were teaching evolution in the schools.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
No.
You know, a lot has happened in this millennium, not that I have to tell you.
And we're just going to review the highlights.
First important thing, the crusades.
I've got to say --
[ Laughter ]
How about those crusades?
Tens of thousands were impaled and abandoned -- a record only being broken later by Wilt Chamberlain.
[ Laughter ]
Way to go, big guy.
[ Applause ]
And Columbus, who could ever forget Columbus, especially here in America?
[ Laughter ]
And his attempt to find an ultimate route to the Spice Girls, what a historical --
[ Laughter ]
No, that was the age of discovery.
Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean, I guess.
The Indians, when he came, knew that he was European, because when he waded ashore, he was wearing a speedo.
They knew he was European.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, I finish up with Magellan, who went around the world.
You know, before him, there was no word when a hoo -- hurker --
[ Laughter ]
When a hooker -- what the hell?
Now, things really started to get exciting in the 16th century.
That's when Copernicus argued that the Earth moved around the sun, which has been a belief widely held until the past decade, when we finally realized that the world revolves around teenagers.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And I wish I could say that it's all been progress, but, unfortunately, this century that we just passed, the 20th century, has been the bloodiest ever.
Germany started World War I, and then under Hitler, they started World War II.
Pat Buchanan points out that this is one of the rare times when the original was topped by the sequel.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
And no sooner did we defeat fascism than we had the Cold War.
Probably the most memorable moment -- Kennedy saying, "Ich bin Ein Berliner," "I am a Berliner," which is aggressive, but certainly not more believable than Hillary Clinton saying, "I'm a New Yorker."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, you are a good crowd for this show.
Panel Discussion
Bill: Let us meet our panel, which will mix -- our panel will mix the guests we actually have here in the studio today with, through the magic of our time machine, the portal 2000, a guest from the past.
First, she is the author of "Wall Street Main Street and the Side Street: A Mad Economist Takes a Stroll," Dr. Julianne Malveaux.
Doctor!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome aboard, Doc.
Julianne: How you doing?
Good to be here.
Bill: Happy New Year.
Julianne: Thank you.
Bill: Sit down.
Oh, there you go, okay.
There's your book.
He's a golden globe-winning writer, a well-known star of movies and TV and our rowdy buddy.
Tom Arnold is right over here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Tom: How are you?
Bill: You've come as yourself.
Tom: Yes, I have.
Bill: She's the host of talk radio's nightly syndicated "Stephanie Miller Show," Stephanie Miller!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, you.
Good to see you.
Thank you very much.
And, finally -- oh, I'm glad we're getting to use the Portal 2000.
You know, those have really come down in price.
[ Laughter ]
She's a war hero, a cross-dresser, a saint.
And she's on a first-name basis with God, courtesy of the Portal 2000, Joan of Arc, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Beeps and whirs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, Joan.
[ Sustained applause ]
Thank you.
I would have kissed you, but I don't know if it's proper to kiss a saint.
Shelley: Oh, well, I didn't know if I made you -- you know, not so much time.
Oh, it burns me up!
[ Laughter ]
A little joke.
Bill: Okay, well, we want to --
Stephanie: Whew!
I wondered what that smell was.
Shelley: I know, that smoke.
Oh, I was terrified.
I thought, you know, oh!
Bill: No, that's not that.
That's Freud's cigar.
Shelley: Oh, I see.
Bill: Freud is backstage.
We want to cover the most vital issues of the entire millennium, the things that have persisted through time.
It's unfortunate to say, but I have to say it.
If you look at the past 1,000 years, war -- war has persisted.
It is probably the biggest issue from century to century.
You certainly prosecute --
Shelley: Yes, we were doing it when I was there.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: And when people mention today, it's very controversial, women in the military.
They always mention you --
Shelley: Really?
Fascinating.
Bill: And the great things that you did leading your Army.
But today I think we have a situation where we have a touchy-feely Army.
Stephanie: First of all, I don't know what you mean by touchy-feely.
Are you referring to Tailhook, or what are we --
[ Laughter ]
Because may I just say, a hard man is good to find.
[ Laughter ]
And I don't think --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Please.
Stephanie: I don't think the military is getting that soft.
Shelley: I know what she means.
I've been watching for centuries, you know.
I know what she means.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: I'll give you an example.
A woman cannot carry a .50-caliber machine gun.
Julianne: Some women can.
Bill: Some, very few.
Julianne: And you shouldn't exclude women on the basis of the fact that some women cannot.
If someone can meet the qualifications --
Bill: What do you mean, "You shouldn't exclude"?
Julianne: You should not exclude women, especially when you have a culture --
Bill: The military is too important to play politics with.
It is our defense.
Julianne: It's not about playing politics, Bill.
Bill: You would never have won your war -- well, I guess you lost yours.
[ Laughter ]
Julianne: She probably would have been --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Shelley: No, no!
No, no!
I lost my personal war, only that I lost my life.
But, no, France became French again, because we succeeded!
Did you forget?
Bill: Well, to me, that's a loss.
[ Laughter ]
I'm kidding.
I kid France.
Shelley: So terrible.
Stephanie: She proved that women can serve in the military?
Please, if we were to Kosovo -- am I right, Joan? -- We would have been out of there in one or two days.
We would have been like, "I'm bloated.
I'm bitchy.
There's no chocolate in this whole country!
We want you people out of here!"
You know what I mean?
Tom: Bill, Bill, you've never been married or divorced.
[ Laughter ]
And I can tell you, there's some women in this country that both of us know that we want on the front lines.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Stephanie: What are you referring to?
That's not nice!
Bill: All right, we will take a commercial, and we will be right back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Duncan: Okay, that was Rat's Ass with "Spit Cup," off her new one, "Stiff Crumpet."
But, hey, it's time for another "Millennium Minute."
Let's go all the way back to the year 1190.
That's when Genghis "Puffy" Kahn begins his conquest of Asia, paving the way for futures visit by Cheap Trick and eventually Michael Jackson.
The Kahn name pops up in the history books throughout the millennium beginning with Genghis and Kubla, and by the mid-'70s, Jimmy and Chaka.
[ Laughter ]
For "The MTV Millennium," I'm Duncan Weekly.
Bill: Okay, Stephanie Miller had to go on to the next millennium.
And we love Stephanie, but we have a very special guest.
He led the Spanish inquisition.
And his name became a --
Shelley: That's not funny, Bill.
Bill: Well, we're going to let you two have a [ bleep ] out here.
His name became a byword cruelty and torture, the inquisitor general of the Spanish inquisition, Tomas de Torquemada is with us!
[ Beeps and whirs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow, I didn't --
Paul: Sorry, Joan, no hard feelings.
[ Laughter ]
Well, you're another girl in the fire.
Bill: That's true.
You tortured a lot of heretics.
You were a heretic.
You were burned --
Shelley: Oh, no, I was accused of being a heretic.
I was not, though.
Paul: Yes, I am here to promote my new book, "You Know You're A Heretic When --"
[ Laughter ]
It's a big seller, big seller.
Bill: In this segment, let's get into religion -- certainly, another huge theme that has occupied this millennium.
And my position on this has always been that religion has caused more wars, death and destruction than anything else in human history.
Is that not true?
Paul: You're Jewish, aren't you?
[ Laughter ]
Oh!
Julianne: You better watch out there.
But, Bill, I think you're actually wrong.
I mean, I think that what people have done in the name of religion has caused harm.
There's nothing wrong with God.
It was about capitalism and greed.
Paul: Whatever is wrong with God, we can fix.
[ Laughter ]
Julianne: No, Bill.
Shelley: There's nothing wrong with God.
Julianne: There's something wrong -- but there's something wrong with y'all!
Bill: Yes, it is man that needs fixing, but isn't it man who invented religion as a bureaucracy between him and God?
Julianne: That's not clear.
Bill: Of course it -- what about the crusades?
Julianne: The crusades were about --
Bill: Not to get personal.
Julianne: Well, the crusades were about grabbing land as much as anything else.
As she said, they wanted --
Bill: The crusades was about restoring the Holy Land to one religion from another.
Paul: Hallelujah, yes!
Julianne: It was about grabbing land.
[ Laughter ]
Paul: You're right, you're right.
You know, you are right.
Julianne: It was about grabbing land to promote an economic system.
Paul: Well, you know --
Shelley: Julianne is right.
I think is was not just for religion.
I think there was some who were sincere and some who were not sincere.
Paul: Yes, there was --
Shelley: But, you know, even for me, the place, exact place I've been watching, you know, for centuries, the exact place where I was burned at the stake.
You know what it is now?
Paul: You were burned?
[ Laughter ]
Shelley: Yes, by people like you.
It is not a hot dog stand.
I know that's what you are thinking.
[ Laughter ]
I was thinking that, too.
Julianne: It's a postcard stand.
Paul: It is a McDonald's!
Shelley: No, no, but there's one very close.
But they -- no, it is a chapel.
It is a church, and it is beautiful.
Paul: A chapel?
Shelley: And it is very inspiring, and there's a hotel across the street, soup du jour, everything, ah!
[ Laughter ]
Bill: The French only care --
Shelley: Yeah, I love the food.
Bill: Still about the food.
Paul: There is so many -- so many French in hell.
[ Laughter ]
This is why the rest of us are going to heaven, because it is crowded with the French people in hell.
Shelley: Oh, if you were there -- he knows about the population in hell, I am quite sure.
Tom: Let me ask you a question.
Paul: Oh, you lived in hell.
You were with Roseanne Barr.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Paul: You know hell.
[ Applause ]
Tom: Oh, yes.
Paul: You have done time already, my son.
Tom: Oh, yes.
Paul: You're going to go straight to heaven, I tell you.
Tom: Thank you.
My question for you is this.
That is true.
Now, you know, I'm Jewish, and --
Paul: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Tom: You killed a lot of Jews.
And I got to know what -- what did you have against Jews?
I mean, this is in the 1400s before we had taken over Hollywood and the media, so what was it that we were --
[ Laughter ]
What were you so mad about?
Paul: Well, they -- they modified their penis, for one.
[ Laughter ]
This is an insult against God, because it implies that God didn't make you perfect already.
But, no!
The Jews had to come, and they nip and they tuck and make it -- it's disgusting, you know?
Because a penis should look like this.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
But you people made the penis look like this!
[ Laughter ]
I no like.
I no like.
Tom: Right.
Shelley: No excuse for burning up 2,000 people.
Paul: Yes, I did have to go there.
Julianne: He did have to go there.
Paul: I go everywhere.
Bill: Certainly --
[ Laughter ]
Paul: I am a time traveler.
Tom: What do you think of the Jewish penis?
Shelley: Oh, I'm not supposed to know about the Jewish penis.
[ Laughter ]
I was 19 years old.
But what I've observed, it could be an improvement.
Paul: Yes, yes.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Let's talk about justice for a second, because I know you were both involved.
We talk about the death penalty a lot on this show, but rarely do we have an executioner and I guess an executionee.
Shelley: Exactly, exactly.
I didn't like it.
Bill: Yeah.
Shelley: I'd say no.
Bill: I guess my question --
[ Laughter ]
Is justice on Earth really possible?
Because in America nowadays, even with our sophisticated justice system, people say, I guess, what they said even in your day and your day, is that no one is getting justice.
Paul: Justice on Earth is possible only if you don't have Judge Ito.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Shelley: Don't laugh at this man.
He killed many people.
You'll just encourage him.
Bill: Yes, he killed many people.
Paul: I send them to heaven.
Shelley: He could get out of here and be amidst you.
I'm telling you, it's a big danger.
Bill: All right, Joan --
Shelley: I think that the justice is very difficult.
I think we should be praying for it.
We should be working for it.
Perhaps we should be fighting for it.
But the ultimate justice, of course, is with God.
[ Applause ]
Bill: Joan, I know you're all fired up to get out of here.
Thanks again for joining us, hot stuff.
When we come back, good things come in little packages.
We're going to be joined by Emperor Napoleon.
Bill: All right, let's meet our next guest.
He redrew the map of Europe, invaded Russia, and if he had gotten lucky at Waterloo, we'd all be speaking French right now.
Please welcome the Emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Beeps and whirs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Hello.
Gilbert: Yeah!
Oh, very nice, very nice!
I passed through the transporter.
Now I'm going to turn into a fly.
[ Laughter ]
I've seen that happen to Jeff Goldblum.
You know, you might not understand the way I talk, because I'm French.
So I've got this very thick accent.
Bill: Yes.
Bill: In this segment, I would like to talk a little bit about democracy, which I know might put a stone in your shoe and yours, because both of you really were not familiar with that.
But in this millennium, it certainly has been one of our great achievements, is to become Democratic nations.
And most of the world, I can happily say now, are Democratic.
Now, in democracy, of course, we have a lot of rights, which we have now traded in the last years of this century for stupid rights --
[ Laughter ]
Like the right to know.
Thomas Jefferson, a contemporary of yours, we have to hear about the fact that he banged his slaves.
[ Laughter ]
Julianne: Well, it would be a different story if the man didn't talk about the pursuit of happiness.
We know what he was pursuing, you know?
And it wasn't exactly happy -- I mean, he was person who talked about the unequal rights of slaves.
His hypocrisy is what we're unearthing, not his sexuality.
Paul: Excuse me, I'm not familiar with the term "Bang."
[ Laughter ]
Is it like, "Bang, bang, you're dead"?
Bill: No, it's --
Paul: Or is it like, "Bang, bang"?
Bill: It's something I was trying to keep from you, because I know you would not appreciate it.
It was about sex.
And I know you claim that when you put people to death, it was for the lying about the sex, not the sex itself.
But --
Paul: Well, you know those little altar boys, they talk a lot.
They talk a lot.
They don't know when to shut up, I tell you.
Tom: I don't think people should -- unearthing bodies is a scary thing to me, because, for the reason I suppose it's scary to everybody here, because I don't want to die and then have them dig me up and then make fun of my penis, because they will.
[ Laughter ]
You'll be naked.
You're naked in a casket.
Julianne: Why are you men so fixated on your penises?
Tom: Well, because we are.
But, listen, if you're --
if you're alive, then you got to -- if they're going to see your penis naked, you have a little warm-up time, maybe work something out.
[ Laughter ]
If you're dead, I'm telling you, I don't want -- when my penis is on display, I want it to be you know, something I've spent a little time --
Julianne: Believe me, that's the last thing that someone is looking for.
Tom: Oh, people love to look at penises, ma'am.
Paul: Yes, yes, yes.
[ Laughter ]
Tom: I'm telling you, they can't resist.
It's too funny.
Doctors in surgery, they lift up and they look at your penis, and they show it around to everybody.
Paul: You need to get a better hospital.
[ Laughter ]
Gilbert: Hey, could I please see your penis?
Tom: Sure!
[ Laughter ]
Julianne: If we could get back to Thomas Jefferson --
Bill: Yes, I would, but --
[ Laughter and applause ]
Julianne: This is just getting a little too phallocentric for me, Bill.
Bill: Not to dwell on this, but, I mean, you're a historian.
You know that Napoleon's penis was on display.
And the rumor was that it made the rounds.
Gilbert: All over the world, my penis!
[ Laughter ]
Unfortunately I couldn't travel along with it, but --
Bill: That's true.
Gilbert: But I have one of the few penises that has frequent flier miles.
[ Laughter ]
My penis checks on to a plane, they give it a bag of peanuts, an orange juice, and it's very happy.
Julianne: And you mean that's all you're getting, peanuts and orange juice?
Gilbert: I take the bus, my penis is flying first-class.
[ Applause ]
Bill: But what I'm trying to say is that don't we want to recognize and judge --
Gilbert: My penis.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: No, the leaders that we have by their accomplishment, not by their shortcomings?
No offense there.
Gilbert: Yes.
Julianne: Well, but hypocrisy, Bill, is relevant in so many ways, and especially when you talked about it.
You gave us a great intro on democracy.
And you failed to talk about the contradictions in democracy of the United States that we're such a tiny piece of the millennium
-- you know, 200 and some years, compared to the thousand years --
Bill: I don't think we're a tiny piece of the millennium.
Julianne: We are a tiny piece of the millennium.
We need to put ourselves in context.
Gilbert: Can we talk about my penis again?
Julianne: No, no.
Bill: You want to be remembered for the Jews you killed, not the Jews you slept with.
Paul: I never slept with no Jews, and if I have, they were converted.
[ Laughter ]
But you know what?
Let me say one thing.
You know, you speak about democracy, and you look and you point your holier than thou finger to me.
And you say that I burned a lot of people and that I did things, you know.
But you in America had a thing called the confederacy, that you also had bad fruit hanging from a poplar tree, no?
Bill: I think that's what you were bringing up.
Julianne: Well, the racial history in this country is absolutely despicable.
And you're absolutely right about that.
And the issue with Thomas Jefferson is simply that you had these uptight white people say, "Oh he could not have possibly slept with slaves^-- could not possibly have had black offspring."
How do you think you got black people who look like me?
[ Laughter ]
Paul: Yes, yes.
Julianne: Somebody was doing something they had no business doing.
[ Applause ]
Paul: I was -- I'm glad you mentioned that, because I was going to look at you and go, "Hey, there is a white man in the woodpile."
[ Laughter ]
Julianne: Yes, and I'm in denial.
I've been trying to get rid of him ever since.
[ Laughter ]
Paul: I kind of see Jeffersonian logs.
Julianne: Oh, not at all, not Jefferson.
Paul: Yes, it's either that or Sinbad.
I don't know, but I --
[ Laughter ]
I see something.
Bill: All right, Julianne, listen.
Thank you for coming by.
Torquemada, thanks for dropping in.
When we come back, we'll be joined by Sigmund Freud and Arianna Huffington.
It's true, she knows everybody.
Duncan: All right, that was Lick Dickerish with "Mass Meat" from the "Pokemon" soundtrack.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, let's get back to the millennium.
16th century, yeah, Nostradamus -- prophet, yes -- predicts future events with remarkable accuracy, including World War I and II, the assassination of President John Kennedy, the older guy and Lauryn Hill's sweep of the '99 Grammys.
Nostradamus' eerie prediction of a postmodern authentic environment, where the masses turn their wandering gazes upon the foibles of the chosen few, is the basis for what eventually becomes MTV's "Real World."
Because I knew that we added a drunken lesbian.
Hey, for "The MTV Millennium," I'm Duncan Weekly!
[ Applause ]
Part 2