Everyone ready for the fight scene?

Mike: Not unless Em's gonna do it naked. ;)

MIIIIKKKEE! :p

Peter: (Blushes) Um, ready. :p :">

Micky: I'm so glad I have no part in this. ;)

Davy: This is bleeding ridiculous.

(We open back in the ballroom. Peter frowns.)

Peter: That's all I have. I hate fighting, but that is how many native tribes work.

Mike: (Yawns heavily; leans against Emma) 'Kay, who next?

Emma: Mike, you smell like a brewery.

Micky: He needs some excitement to wake him up.

Peter: Finding the Lost City of Gold wasn't exciting?

Micky: This man needs a serious fight scene, and I'm the man to tell it!

Lauren: *sighs* Oh, dear God, the humility of it all...

Micky: What?

Valerie: Ok, I'm scared now.

Emma: Do we really want him to do this?

Micky: Too bad. Okay, so the Queen wants the ladies to fight for their men, all except for Lauren and myself. Anyway, the Queen has a brilliant idea...

(Fade in on a large square of dirt surrounded by heavy wood fences. The Queen's guards, male and female, hold off the crowd of onlookers. Some of them wear pants and loincloths. Some just wear ordinary 30s clothes and a little gold jewelry. Several women inspect the three Monkees, checking their teeth, their eyes, their limbs. Young girls in particular, some of them wearing schoogirl jumpers and wrap dresses under their gold chokers and headbands, ogle Davy. The Queen looks Peter over, admiring his strong, slender legs and arms and golden hair.)

(The Queen then goes over to Pruitt, who sits in the gold-covered plush 309 chair. His men sit or stand around him, including LeMarque, who eyes Valerie. Valerie, Daphne, and Emma stand on one side of the square, stretching and getting ready to fight.)

Pruitt: (He doesn't notice the wooden container attached to the gold wire that's been put up next to him) See anything you like, Your Majesty?

Queen Leaya: Yeah, the blondie. Blondes are as rare as snow in these parts. He'd certainly add status to my collection.

Pruitt: He's yours, Your Majesty...after you win him and show us to the treasure, of course.

Queen Leaya: Yeah. You can have your share of the profits, and we'll keep the chicks and the men.

Pruitt: Except for Nesmith. I have dealings with him.

Queen Leaya: The thin chap? You can have him. I don't know if any of me girls want him, but he's too skinny to be of interest to me. Not much of a breeder there. And the little one is too young and small. My daughters and their daughters are more than welcome to him.

Pruitt: (Raises his eyebrow) You're a grandmother?

Queen Leaya: Great grandmother, actually.

Pruitt: How do you do it? You're the youngest, most beautiful great-grandmother I've ever seen.

Queen Leaya: Good genes.

(The camera follows the gold wire down to a clump of bushes next to the royal box, where Micky and Lauren are listening in on Pruitt and the Queen's conversation.)

Pruitt: (Over Micky's side of the wooden container) What's your secret?

Queen Leaya: You'll find out.

*Micky and Lauren exchange disgusted looks.*

Pruitt: What did you do to the men? They seem a bit dazed.

Queen Leaya: It's a drug my medicine women gave them. We always give them to the males before the women fight for them. It makes them dazed and drowsy and unable to speak or call out. It's only temporary - works for about twenty minutes to a half-hour. Long enough for the fights to wind down. It'll keep them from being a distraction.

*Micky rolls his eyes.*

Pruitt: You're certain you'll win this.

Queen Leaya: I saw those little cream puffs that came in there. Don't get me wrong, they're all nice birds, but they're hardly up to the skills of my most trained warriors (smirks) or myself.

Pruitt: (Does some smirking of his own as he eyes Leaya's trim body) And you've got some nice skills there. I never thought I'd be admiring a great-grandmother.

Queen Leaya: You'll get an education here, mate.

*Lauren makes a gagging motion. Micky nods in agreement.*

Queen Leaya: I'm going to give my girls a bit of the old what-ho pep talk. Care to join me?

Pruitt: No thank you. I was never much for pep. (We cut back to the Royal Box as she leaves, to be replaced by LeMarque. Pruitt continues to him) Do you have the boys ready?

LeMarque: Oui, Boss, but I thought you said...

Pruitt: Do you think I care about her or these Negro idiots? We'll need her to find that secret and the treasure. She'll tell us where it is as soon as she knows we intend to blow everyone in her kingdom to smithereens if she doesn't agree to what we want.

LeMarque: Except for Mademoiselle Cartwright. She is mine.

Pruitt: And I still want to get my hands on Nesmith. Shoot the rest after the fights are done.

LeMarque: But, didn't you say...

Pruitt: I said what that egotistical bitch wanted to hear. Although (eyes the Queen as she talks to several women in a circle) I wasn't lying about her looks. She DOES look damn good for a great-grandmother.

LeMarque: Amen to that!

(Cut back to Lauren and Micky's side of the gold wire.)

Lauren: There has to be something we can do.

Micky: *Pushes his goggles up and rubs the bridge of his nose* I'm thinking, I'm thinking. *Looks up suddenly* Wait... *digs in his pockets until he pulls out a small Swiss Army knife*

Lauren: Micky, please tell me that's a new gadget of yours and NOT just a normal knife.

Micky: No, it isn't a normal knife. When the fights begin, you'll see. *pushes his goggles back down*

(Micky and Lauren make their way out to the fenced-in dirt square. Emma, Daphne, and Valerie stand to one corner.)

Emma: This is crazy! What did they do to the guys?

Valerie: Oh, my poor Peter...

Daphne: They look so dazed.

Emma: (Turns to Micky and Lauren as they arrive) Well, what did you find out?

Micky: Nothing good. The Queen's over-confident. Pruitt just wants to kill all of us.

Emma: Oh, is that all?

Lauren: *nods* Yeah.

Valerie: What's wrong with our men? They haven't said a word since they were brought out here, and they all look dazed.

Micky: They've been subdued by a drug the Queen has a habit of using on any and all men.

Emma: Why that... (She angrily starts towards the Queen before Valerie, Daphne, and Lauren grab her)

Lauren: Down, Em. Going out there in a huff won't win the fight for you.

Emma: Then what will? We're not buff warrior women!

Valerie: I don't know. I play a mean game of tennis.

Micky: *holds up his Swiss Army knife* This.

Daphne: You must be joking.

Micky: Nope.

Emma: How are we going to use that little thing to win?

Micky: You won't be using it. I will.

Emma: How...

Micky: You'll see.

Queen Leaya: (As we hear the sound of drums over the crowd) Hello, fellow Kalawahus! I welcome you to today's match between three of our finest warriors - including myself - and three outlanders! May the best woman win!

(A huge, hulking woman who was feeling Mike's arms comes out first. She can barely fit in her tight shirt and trousers. The grin she gives Emma is ferocious.)

("Star Collector" begins as Emma goes out to the ring. She ducks around the woman when she tries to grab her. The woman reaches for her...but she throws out a feathery branch taken from a tree and tickles her stomach with it. She giggles, and Emma darts away.)

(The woman grabs Emma around the waist. She dangles there, struggling. The woman throws her over her shoulder. She lands hard, spitting dirt.)

*Micky aims his knife. A rope shoots out from it, wrapping around the woman's foot and tripping her!*

(Emma kicks the woman in the rear. The woman takes longer to get back to her feet...giving Emma enough time to jump on her. Some buttons come off her shirt as she does, giving the crowd a fairly nice view.)

(The woman manages to push Emma off of her. She lunges for Emma again, but she opts for the straight-on approach. She head-butts the woman...which leaves the woman doubled over and Emma holding her head.)

(The woman makes a leap for Emma again. Emma tries to hit her in the chin, but she ends up holding her hand instead.)

(Emma grabs the wire that tripped the woman earlier. When the woman lunges for her again, Emma ducks down and wraps the wire around her feet. She runs around and around the woman...until the woman finally collapses on the ground, dazed and tangled in wire. Emma puts her foot on the woman's back and grins, her hands on her hips. Daphne and Valerie cheer and hug each other. Mike smiles a little.)

(Queen Leaya narrows her eyes as five of the male slaves carry the huge warrior woman out of the square. Daphne goes in next. Her opponent is a small, lean woman in a short skirt and tight, cleavage-baring shirt, holding a staff and looking mean.)

*The lean woman swings her staff at Daphne, but it's suddenly knocked from her hands and goes flying out of the square. Someone off screen screams. The lean woman looks at her empty hands.*

*Daphne jumps at the woman while she's preoccupied. The two roll around on the ground, pulling hair and swinging fists.*

*The lean woman ends up on top and tries to punch Daphne, but Daphne moves, and the woman punches the ground. She cradles her injured fist and, distracted, gives Daphne an opening. Daphne punches her square in the jaw, knocking her out cold.*

Queen Leaya: (As the song ends) The outlander is the winner!

Pruitt: (Growls) I hope you have better tricks on you than your so-called warrior women.

Queen Leaya: You bet I have, big boy. I'm through playing games with these chits.

Valerie: (Cut to the others at the dirt square) Girls, that was great!

Emma: (Blushes) Uh, thanks.

Daphne: Thanks.

Valerie: I'm next. (Gulps) And it looks like I take on the Queen.

Emma: Don't worry, Val! We're right here for you.

Valerie: That's not what I'm worried about. She's...well, look at her! (Nods at he limber Queen as she struts into the square)

Emma: Someone has to help Valerie, and someone has to get the guys away from those warriors.

Valerie: Maybe Micky should stay here with that knife.

Lauren: Perhaps we can all help with the guys during the mass chaos that I'm sure will begin when Micky's knife takes down the queen.

Emma: Sounds good to me! I'm starting to think Paradise is overrated. Forget the stupid treasure and the stupid secret of eternal youth! Let's just get the guys and get out of here.

Valerie: No way! I want to find SOME treasure!

Emma: Break off a piece of one of the buildings as we leave. They're all made of gold. That's enough treasure for six lifetimes.

Emma: What do the rest of you say?

Micky: I say whomever wants treasure that badly, there's plenty of gold around! Pick up whatever you can get your hands on and carry.

Emma: Thank you, Micky.

Queen Leaya: (Raises her hands to the yelling mob; Pruitt and LeMarque watch with interest. Pruitt points several of his men in the direction of the largest building) And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Your Queen wants the golden-haired outlander male for her household, but this female (indicates Valerie - the crowd snickers at how thin she is) lays claim to her. We shall now fight for the golden-haired male. Let the games begin!

Valerie: (Clenches her fist as she and Leaya circle each other) You underestimate me, Leaya. I'm a top athlete back in Los Angeles. I play tennis, ski, ride horses, bike, roller skate, and was the captain of my girls school's field hockey team for two years running.

Queen Leaya: I've white water rafted, hunted wild leopards and ocelots, run faster than an ostrich, and have sired five daughters, eleven granddaughters, and seventeen great-granddaughters.

Valerie: (Grins) Ok old woman, you have me on that last one.

Queen Leaya: (Squawks) OLD WOMAN? (She takes a whack at Daphne with both fists, hitting her hard in the side. Daphne doubles over. She kicks her legs out from under her, knocking her to the ground. Peter frowns when he sees Valerie go down.)

Emma: VAL!

(Emma starts towards Queen Leaya as she kicks Valerie again, this time in the rear. Valerie can only groan. Leaya's warriors block Emma and Daphne from the dirt square...but they don't bother Lauren and Micky.)

(Valerie gets shakily to her feet. She tries to pull away from Leaya again, but the lithe queen yanks her arms behind her back. She screams.)

Emma: We have to do something! She's getting killed!

(Valerie struggles, trying to pull away from Leaya. Leaya smiles wickedly and pulls her arms harder.)

*Micky takes careful aim with the knife and blows on one end of it! A dart flies from the knife and sticks in Leaya's arm. Micky pumps a fist.*

(Leaya frowns as her arms fall away from Valerie. Valerie scrambles to her feet as Leaya shakes her arms. Her arm's asleep! She pulls out the dart, making a face at it. Glaring at Valerie, she lunges for her, but Val's prepared this time. Valerie meets her head-on, and the two women struggle fiercely, screaming and barely moving an inch.)

(They finally push each other aside. Leaya shoves Valerie against the fence.)

Valerie: Got any more great ideas, Mick? (She finally shoves Leaya away with her foot)

*Micky takes aim again and shoots another dart at Leaya, this one finding the back of her neck.*

(Leaya's eyes bulge. She falls over onto Valerie, dazed. They do a little waltz together, the music actually getting waltz-like for a few seconds. Leaya finally falls over onto Valerie, unconscious.)

Valerie: Um, I think...I think I'm the winner. (Groans) Someone help me, please! This Queen is heavier than she looks!

(Two of the warrior women help Queen Leaya back over to the side of the fence. Valerie hugs the others.)

Valerie: Thanks, guys. (She turns to Leaya as her women help her to her feet) We won, Leaya. Our claim on these men was successful. They're rightfully ours.

Queen Leaya: (Rubs the back of her neck) I think you played dirty there, but a deal is a deal, mates. (She's about to hand the keys to the boys' chains over to Valerie when we hear a gunshot. The camera cuts to Pruitt, who has shot his gun into the air.)

Pruitt: Don't anyone move! We have all of you surrounded! If any of you try anything funny, we'll blow you to Kingdom Come and back!

Emma: (Eyes widen as we fade out) Oh god.