Everyone ready for a tree hunt? ;)

Mike: What the heck. Anythin' to run some energy out of Mick and the kids. ;) :p

Peter: Sorry, I have shopping with Valerie and Jordan to do.

Micky: I'm ready!

Davy: And I just know bettah. ;)

(We open with a shot of the MonkeeMobile driving down a wooded highway in California. Cut to the inside of the MonkeeMobile. Micky's driving. Mike sits next to him. Katie and the twins are in the second seat behind them. The third is spread with a blanket.)

Katie: Let's sing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" again!

Mike: We sang that three times already, cowgirl. Let's sing somethin' else.

Ursula: Why are we driving all the way out here again?

Micky: For one of the most important parts of the holiday, picking the perfect Christmas tree.

Ursula: I thought you wanted another one of those Santa Claus ties.

Mike: (Under his breath) He'd better not. That's what I'm gettin' him for Christmas.

Micky: No, I had to promise that we will return with only a tree.

Katie: Are we gonna get a big tree?

Mike: Not THAT big, Cowgirl.

Ursula: Micky, did you decide how big you wanted this tree?

Micky: Between six and seven feet. It'll be big, but not too big.

Ursula: Are you sure it's a good idea to chop it down? I seem to remember you telling me what happened the last time the four of you tried to cut down a Christmas tree on your own.

Mike: (Waves a book) Em found this field guide to California plants and animals in the library. It'll tell us what we can touch and what we can't.

Katie: Can we sing "Deck the Halls?"

Mike: (Sighs) Why not? I don't think we've done that one yet.

(As they start singing, we see a huge truck filled with logs coming up behind them...VERY close.)

Mike: (As they finish the song) Mick, what's the weird face for?

Micky: *low* Jerk's riding our tail.

Mike: (Looks behind him; frowns) Well, move and let him pass.

Ursula: (Tries to sing again) "Tis the season to be jolly..."

Katie: (Taps Little Mick and looks behind her) We're being followed by that big truck! Do you think it wants to eat us?

Little Mick: Nah, that's silly! He's already full of those logs he's got.

Micky: *mutters as he changes lanes* Don't know why this guy couldn't just pass us.

Mike: Probably thinks he's bein' funny.

Micky: Well, he's got a heck of a load to be messing around with.

Mike: (The truck nudges them as they pass) I think he still wants to mess with us.

Katie: Papa, is that big truck gonna leave?

Mike: I sure hope so, darlin'. He's takin' up the road.

Micky: And he's really annoying, too!

(The truck finally does speed up and pass them, the huge drivers smirking at Mike and Micky as they go by.)

Micky: I do NOT like the looks they were giving us.

(The truck continues to speed...but remains right in front of the guys.)

Mike: I think these nitwits want to race.

Ursula: Not with children in the car!

Katie: I wanna race!

Mike: Don't help, Cowgirl.

Micky: Why do they think their huge truck can outrun our car?

Mike: Because they're idiots?

Micky: Goes without saying.

Mike: I have an idea. (He whispers into Micky's ear.)

Micky: *frowns* All right. I'll do it because we've got the kids with us.

Mike: Much as I'd like to show those jerks a thing or two, we can't do it while we have little guys here.

(The two cars stop at a traffic light. Cut from Micky looking determined to the truck drivers smirking and laughing. When the light turns green, the truck takes off with a noisy roar...and the MonkeeMobile does a U-turn and goes in the opposite direction at normal speed.)

Katie: (Huffs) Aww, I thought we were gonna race!

Mike: Katie, racin' on these streets isn't allowed. We could get in trouble.

Ursula: (Under her motor) Or killed.

Micky: *sighs* Well, that was interesting.

Mike: Now, we just need to find a good, solid forest, before those guys figure out what we did and come back.

Katie: Let's get a tree!

Ursula: (As they come up to a sign that says "Christmas trees - cut your own") What about here?

Micky: Looks good to me.

Mike: Let's pull up an' get movin', then.

(Cut to a long shot of the two adults and three children walking through an obviously fake forest. Mike has Katie and Shelly's hand. Little Mick follows behind his father, who carries the saw.)

Mike: Ok, we need to find somethin' that's nice and full and straight, doesn't have anythin' livin' in it, and ain't too tall or short.

Katie: (Points to a tree that just comes up to the top of her head) How 'bout this one? I could put the star on top!

Mike: Sorry, Cowgirl. Too short.

Katie: Awww!

(An instrumental version of "Oh Christmas Tree" begins as the group continues tramping through the forest. Katie peers into a hollow log. She and Little Mick try to climb into it before Mike pulls them out. Who knows what lives there?)

*Micky points out a tree to Mike, only to be interrupted by the hoot of an owl. Micky moves on.*

(Mike points out a tree to Micky...only two see two chipmunks, one with a red nose, run onto a branch and make faces at them. Katie and Little Mick giggle at their antics.)

(Katie and the twins gather branches for Micky to make into wreaths and centerpieces.)

(Katie points out one tree. Mike shakes it really hard. There's a flurry of needles that fills the screen. When it's passed, the tree is bare. Mike makes a face, takes Katie's hand, and moves on to find something a little less dry.)

(Mike points out a thick tree to Micky and the twins. Hey, what about this one? He starts shaking the tree.)

*Micky nods. He likes it.*

Mike: (As the song ends) Great! Ok, who wants to do the cuttin'?

Katie: Is this our tree?

Mike: Sure looks like it.

Shelly: Who's gonna cut the tree?

Mike: You can do it, Mick. It's your tree.

Micky: *grins* Thanks. *starts sawing the tree*

(Cut back to the car pulling into the driveway of Micky and Lauren's house. Lauren, Emma, Robbie, and Leah come onto the porch to meet them.)

Emma: Well, did you find a tree?

Mike: (As he and Mick haul the tree out of the car) Sure did! It's a beauty, too.

Katie: (Runs up to her mother) Mama, we found a tree! A real tree!

(The twins run over to their mother, jumping up and down and talking at once.)

Lauren: All right, all right, you two! You know I can't understand you when you both talk at once.

Shelly: Mommy, look at our tree! We found it!

(Mike and Micky haul the tree into the house. Emma frowns as they set it up in the usual corner.)

Emma: It has an awful lot of gaps in it.

Mike: No, it doesn't.

Katie: (Sticks her head in the branches) Hello in there! (Looks at Little Mick) I wonder if a tree is supposed to have this many holes?

Micky: It looks great!

Emma: It looks like a gear missing most of it's tread.

Little Mick: I like it! Daddy picked a nice tree!

Mike: Darlin', don't be so picky. It'll look much better decorated.

Emma: Lauren, it's your house. What do you think?

Robbie: "I wanna know how you got a tree to grow in Unca Micky's living room!"

Katie: "It's not growing in the living room! We brought it from a forest!"

Robbie: "Oh."

Lauren: I think it'll look great with the decorations.

Emma: You know, since you guys are already dressed and have the saw out...

Mike: Darlin', it's too early for our tree.

Emma: I'm not going to wait just because you're a Scrooge.

Mike: But we're already home!

Micky: Judging from the look on Emma's face...we're headed back out.

(Cut back to the road again. Micky is once again driving.)

Mike: How do we get conned into these things?

Micky: We're the men. Let’s face it, we're suckers for what our wives tell us to do.

Ursula: (Mutters) No, you're just suckers.

Micky: Heard that, Urse.

Ursula: If I listed every time one or more of you fell for some con man's lines - including you, Mike - we'd be here for the rest of December and possibly into January.

Mike: (Mutters as we hear roaring behind the guys) Yeah, yeah.

Ursula: (Frown in her voice) Oh dear. I hate to tell you boys this, but...they're back.

Micky: *glances in the rearview mirror* I don't believe it.

Mike: (Sees the familiar truck on their tail again) Not those jerks! I thought we gave them the slip!

Micky: We did, but we found each other again. *pauses* Can we race them this time?

Ursula: I really don't think...

Mike: (Sighs) Sure, why not? As long as we don't end up spendin' the holidays dead.

Micky: I have no intention of doing that.

("Run Run Rudolph" begins as the truck drivers pass them, smirking again.)

*Micky stomps down on the gas, keeping up with the truck.*

(Mike is almost yanked back in his seat!)

(The truck pulls ahead, the drivers grinning.)

Micky: *stomps down harder on the gas* Come on, c'mon!

(Ursula pulls ahead of the truck, honking her horn as snarkily as an oversized GTO can.)

Micky: *crows* Woo hoo!

(Mike just smirks back at the truck drivers.)

(Ursula honks her horn over the music again. Boys, watch the road! They hit a "road ends here" sign as they fly past!)

*Both guys screen and almost clunk each other as they dive down in the front seat.*

(The car goes careening into a parking lot next to a small shack with another Christmas tree sign next to it. They cautiously peek their heads over the dashboards as the song ends.)

Mike: Holy...cow...

Ursula: Are all of you all right?

Micky: Uh, yeah...

Mike: No. Anyone mind if I be sick all over the road?

Micky: Nope. Don't mind at all.

(Mike staggers out of the car as Micky goes out to check Ursula and make sure she's ok.)

Ursula: Next time you pull a stunt like that, keep an eye on the road or put me in autopilot, please!

Micky: *shakes his head* I'm really sorry about that, Urse. I'm pretty sure that with your reinforced shocks, you should be free of any damage.

Ursula: Nothing feels broken.

Micky: That-a girl. Now, once Mike returns, we can go find another tree.

(Mike comes back, wiping the back of his hand. He looks a little shaky but otherwise fine.)

Ursula: Mike, you look pale.

Mike: I just lost the coffee and donut we had goin' up here, but I feel a little better. (Nods at Micky) Come on. We've gotta find us a tree as good as the one we found for you guys.

Micky: And we will!

(Cut to the obviously fake "woods" again. The guys tramp through the dead leaves and sticks.)

Mike: I'm sure glad we're in California. I can only imagine how cold we'd be if we were wanderin' around in the mountains or in the mid-west somewhere, or even in Lauren and Pete's New England.

Micky: I'd say we'd be freezing our baguettes off. *snickers*

Mike: I don't know how those two could stand the cold winters up there. It never gets that cold in Texas.

(They continue to tramp along, inspecting trees.)

Mike: Seen anything you like yet?

Micky: Not really.

Mike: (Stops by a tall, somewhat thin tree) Hey, how about this one? Might look nice in the corner near the bandstand.

Micky: It seems a bit thin. Then again, there isn't a whole lot of room in that corner, either...

Mike: (Points at a big, fat tree) Ok, then, how about this one?

Micky: It'd certainly fill the corner...and the back door.

Mike: We could put it on the other side of the livin' room, near the TV.

Micky: No, it wouldn't work over by the TV.

Mike: Damn! (He stomps off and stops by a third one) How about this one?

Micky: It's kinda short, isn't it?

Mike: The kids will be able to decorate it!

Micky: The kids can have a fake tree to decorate.

Mike: (Sighs) Look Mick, it's gettin' dark. Why don't you pick a tree?

Micky: But it's for your house.

Mike: Fine. (Grabs another tree) How about this one? It ain't that big, and it ain't fat or thin.

Micky: *Looks the tree up and down* I don't know.

Mike: I like it. It ain't too big, and it ain't small. It's a little taller than me.

Micky: But there's just something about it...

Mike: I'm takin' it. Hand me the saw.

Micky: *puts the saw behind his back* But, Mike...

Mike: But what, Micky? Did you see a squirrel in there?

Micky: There's just something about it...

Mike: Mick, cut it out! (He grabs the saw) I like this tree, ok? I'm gonna take it home.

Micky: Fine. *sighs*

(Mike takes the saw to the tree. Cut to the front of the Pad. The two guys head into the kitchen. Emma's making dinner for Robbie and Katie.)

Mike: Em, we're home!

Katie: (Jumps out of her seat) Papa! Did you bring us a tree?

Mike: Yeah, Cowgirl, we did.

Robbie: (Waves his spoon) Papa! Papa!

Katie: Where's the tree? I wanna see the tree!

Mike: Ok, Mick, let's bring her in!

(They haul the tree into the living room and stand it up in the middle, in front of the bandstand.)

Emma: (Shakes her head) Honey, we can't use this.

Mike: (His face falls) Em, why?

Micky: *mutters* Told ya.

Emma: It's too dry. Look at the needles! (She points to the ground. There's already a ring of green there, and a few more fall even as Mike moves the tree) Not to mention, there's still too many gaps.

Mike: God, darlin', doesn't anythin' every satisfy you?

Emma: Mike, this thing looks like it was attacked by a satanic gardener.

Mike: We had a hard time chopping it down.

*Micky snickers.*

Emma: Honey, no. (She frowns as a couple of insects fly out) I hope there aren't any nests in there.

Mike: There's nothin' in there!

Emma: Take it back.

Mike: We can't just stick it back in the woods, darlin'!

Emma: Put it next to the garage until people collect them in January.

Mike: Darlin', we're not startin' our own woods here!

Emma: Do you have any better ideas?

Mike: No, but...

Emma: Just take it out there!

Mike: Oh, this is ridiculous! (Looks at Micky) Come on, Mick. We have to go find another tree.

Micky: I told you, Mike, but did you listen?

Mike: (Sighs) Yeah, yeah, I know.

(Cut back to a brief shot of Ursula on the road again, then back to the same fake woods.)

Mike: This is crazy. This is nuts. I should have told Em to just go and do it herself and I'd watch the kids. We're missin' dinner.

Micky: Let’s just find a tree and go.

Mike: (Grabs a tree) Does this look good?

Micky: *moves closer* Well...I don't know...

(The moment Mike shakes the tree, we see a blur of grey, red, and brown!)

Mike: Damn, I think I found a bird sanctuary.

Micky: Oh, great! *swats at the birds* :

Mike: (Drops the tree) Got any ideas, Mick?

Micky: We run?

Mike: (Sees more birds coming) We run. (They take off to the tune of an instrumental "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." Mike tries to leap over a log, but he trips over it instead. A stop-motion animation cardinal laughs at him as he comes up with a face-ful of dirt and dead leaves.)

*Micky swats at a couple birds that keep trying to nest in his hair. He keeps running, all the way to the nearest lake, and jumps in.*

(Mike grabs twigs and tries to swat at flies. At one point, it seems like a stop-motion fly grabs a twig from him and tries to hit him with it! Mike takes off before the fly can hit him.)

(Mike runs past the lake as Micky is chased out of it by two none-too-happy animated fish.)

Mike: (As he catches up with a soaked Micky and the music ends) Man, this is crazy!

Micky: You're right. Now I'm soaked because of it!

Mike: (Sighs and shakes his head) It's really gettin' dark. Let's just find a tree and get outta here, before these animals have us for a midnight snack.

Micky: *wraps his arms around himself* Fine by me.

(Once again, we cut to the Pad. This time, it's completely dark. Emma opens the door as the MonkeeMobile roars into the driveway. Katie peers under her arms.)

Katie: They're back! Papa's home! (She runs out to the car) Did you get another tree?

Mike: (As he gets out of the driver's side) Sure did, Cowgirl. Just let Uncle Micky and Papa get it inside.

Emma: It had better be a good one this time.

Micky: *mutters* Considering all we went through to get it, it should be.

Emma: (As Mike and Micky come in) Are you guys ok? Mike, you look a little pale...and Micky, you look a little damp.

Micky: I am.

Katie: You went swimmin', and you didn't bring us?

Mike: We didn't go swimmin', Katie. We had a little trouble in the woods.

Micky: I had to jump in a lake to get away from some crazy birds.

Emma: Crazy birds?

Mike: (Lifts the tree up) So, what do you think of this one?

Emma: (Smiles as she walks around it) Very nice, dear. Very nice indeed. Much better.

Katie: Ooh! I like this one! (She pulls on it) The needles don't come off!

Emma: And there's enough room for ornaments without leaving gaps.

Micky: Thank goodness.

Mike: Yeah, 'cause we ain't goin' out again.

Emma: It's too late to decorate it tonight. We'll let it settle and decorate it tomorrow after breakfast.

Katie: Yeah!

Emma: (Looks at Micky) You're welcome to stay for dinner. I kept the food hot for both of you.

Micky: That'd be great, thank you!

Mike: (Leans over Micky as Emma walks into the kitchen, followed by Katie) Should we tell her that we bought that last tree from the Boy Scouts lot downtown?

Micky: No. She thinks we did something competent for a change.

Mike: Yeah. Let's keep it that way. (They settle down as Emma brings them plates of food and Katie sits next to her father to ask him about the tree. We fade out on the guys as they begin their dinner.)